but can it really be so serious

 

Sometimes I'm not aware of what is triggering me and it all sneaks up and suddenly I hear myself telling myself something like "There are only 8 days from Dad's birthday to Mom's death day." (They're both gone.)

And then I'm surprised, like how could I not even realize what day it is? I had realized about an hour earlier that I've already completely missed my daughter's anniversary and her husband's birthday this month, and it hasn't been a full month since I got back from Texas.

So I'm losing time real bad again, apparently, and not sure why but I almost had a weepy meltdown at appt with my primary today (before I heard myself tell myself the countdown in the parking lot afterward), and I must've been really obvious because my primary talked me into a prescription for anxiety, very low dose buspar. Which I tried years ago and another doctor pulled me off after 3 days because I I was so fabulous on it that I very nearly called a customer a bitch with a big gracious smile on my face. I have no filter on buspar, but if I'm remembering the medication right, my family loved me on it and was sorry to see it go away so quickly. Years later I finally realize it's not pills that scare me, it's that I dissociate without warning, and that makes it feel like I have no control over my life when I'm on anything.

At any rate, parts of my head seem to be openly and sometimes very abruptly communicating with me nowadays, and maybe it's time now to really try something that'll knock the PTSD out of the way.

And now, for some reason, I'm watching an old Kristi McNichol movie on Tubi (Only When I Laugh), never saw it before and never planned to, and I recall that I've been randomly remembering old Hayley Mills movies all week, as well.

Something about my new blood pressure pill breaking through all the recent hyperthyroid hypertension has really busted open something in my head. I have no idea where this is going. I just know one of me inside my head was very relieved we were getting a prescription to try, and I know that because I actually felt that and the other reactions at the same time. I've been super pill phobic for years, thanks to a series of doctors throwing pills at me for years without properly monitoring or following up and all kinds of things going wrong. All I can say is since I met this doctor last summer, everything in my life has been getting better and better, and it's getting easier and easier to trust her. I could have avoided a lot of stuff I'm going through right now if I'd allowed her to talk me into more changes earlier on. She saw all this coming. She didn't say that or rub it in or anything, but she never dismissed me, either, like a couple doctors I've had who kept throwing opioid and head pills at me instead of readjusting meds I was already on for legitimate physical and mental complications created by the meds not being dosed properly.

This movie is making me cry. Maybe next time I'll look for That Darn Cat or something.

You guys know I blog out in the open so my psychologist can keep an eye on me if he wants to, right, because I can't go back, there is too much dissent in my head. I'm sure some of you picked up on this last year.

I bet Joker's dad was really a Mennonite who ran away from his family over secrets he took to the grave. And I bet his mom took even more secrets to her grave. I bet Batman could learn a lot from Joker's childhood.

I openly blog all my secrets, and now my kid is publishing a series of zombie stories. I like my kid, she turned out really cool in spite of me.

"I believe whatever doesn't kill you makes you... stranger." Wonder if Joker's dad smothered him to death to make the screams stop while he was hurting him and then resuscitated him.

I know a few people might not ever forgive me for saying stuff like that.

secrets

I know, right, some of you are checking your watches (and calendars) for the next write up in my Tom watch series, and I daresay someone even tapped a foot over the Star Labs blog I created and then left dangling because real life. Lotta real life. I barely have the TV on most days over last few months, and when it is on it's more a basic weather check than anything. You know, like making sure we're not under a tornado warning or something.

click pic for IMDb
screenshot from my TV while I was watching
The Capture of the Green River Killer

Plus I keep hearing there's going to be major disruption for some older phones and internet sites because of the expiring certificate thing, and promises of another huge intel dump about the same time. For those absolutely not paying any attention whatsoever, we've been through the huge wikileaks final dump, the very huge McAfee dump, several other very damaging dumps, and loads of it being blocked across all the medias across all the techs because someone doesn't want you reading any of that. This new dump coming is going into a Durham's telegram account, which will very shortly become a protected account if it already hasn't, and only those subbed will be able to read it, likely so that Telegram can't be forced to delete that account. You know, like they kept deleting anything remotely tied to JFK Jr for a few months, among others. Laugh all you want so you don't question why in the world it was important enough to BLOCK.

Since I've been on top of so much stuff for so long (years), I'm kind of on break and putting my fingers in my ears lalalala for everyone in general. I know what the dumps are supposed to be about, I know the struggles they've had trying to get all this info out, and I could care less about both paid and unpaid opinionators, haters, and trolls filling up every conceivable crack with so much junk that the average curious person would give up very quickly trying to find anything useful any more on the internet about what is really going on. This is a real war. People are dying over it. Just because you can't clearly see it on a screen or monitor doesn't mean it isn't happening. In fact, that is your big red flag regarding complicity and cover ups. Billionaires who own medias don't want you to know things that are very damaging to them and all their buddies. Just keep watching your scheduled programming like a good little citizen. Don't stop and think things through, whatever you do.

Just bear in mind, if you are a nonbeliever, that the more you defend 'the narrative' (think Orwell), the more mass brainwashed you come across. I don't care how high your IQ is, how much you believe in whoever you are following, or what your street cred is on social medias, if you are defending narrative, you look absolutely rock dumb to me. You can't do anything but parrot what you are told on screens, go you. You assume everything you are told is truth without checking, sourcing, and validating for yourself for whatever reason, go you. You think our biggest threat is covid and all we gotta do is beat this thing, go you.

I'm fighting for my own life this year. Electronic surveillance and attacks are very real. When you are a good citizen, they leave you alone. When you question the narrative, you have a really crummy time and some people die. That's just how it is now. I've seen enough of that happening to the midnight riders worldwide that I can never again trust 'government'. Government is there to own you, to rule you, to tell you when to get up and go to bed, what to eat, what to wear, what to think, what to believe. Government is not your friend, it is your slave driver. Before you dismiss me, check the last time you could live and move freely without restrictions...

World. Wide. It's called NWO. Scoff all you want, you are a slave. You have no real rights. Even if you do. what. you. are. told. you have no real rights. You have allowances. If you don't find that disturbing enough to look into, you may have already drunk the koolaid.

A couple years ago, banks would call cops if you entered with and refused to remove sunglasses, hats, and any type of masking. Now it doesn't even matter. Everyone has been able to swath their entire heads and faces beyond recognition and waltz into banks. No one even turns or blinks any more when big guys all in chains and black waltz in anywhere with no way to see their faces, because we've all been trained to think covid. Personally, I find that really funny, because surveillance was originally set up for face recognition. Nowadays, it takes brave people to waltz into public places without covering up their faces. Think about that for a bit. And we are now trained to hate, dis, jeer, and torture people just for that. If you aren't questioning that, you may have drunk the koolaid, especially if you call yourself any kind of humanitarian, including Christian.

Jesus flipped the tables the money changers sat at in the temple. Amos warned the gatekeepers about picking on the downtrodden and bowing to the rich and the powerful, especially warned the priests for what they did in secret.

I wonder what all these rich and powerful people have been doing in secret. That they don't want you to know about. So much so that people are dying over trying to share what that secret is. All over the world.

Imagine what the world would be like if there weren't a big, horrible secret to keep.

Those of you who need distraction right now, here is a vid trail. You're welcome.

afoot

 

Everyone (in my teeny tiny circle) is talking about the synchronicity of me being on the verge of blowing up into overactive thyroid just in time to take on a whole month of round the clock nonstop baby care and household chores this summer, and then making it home in time for a full cardio team to catch me exploding into hypertensive crisis just in time. My latest self education research is all about mental stress induced ischemia, which is basically blood flow restriction in response to psychological stress. Here is a handy article I found if you are interested.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/04/160403195916.htm 👈 click

I have the capability, which I've talked about before, of cutting my feelings completely off while I go handle very big things, and it's called delayed emotional response. It's been automatic since I was a kid. I have been learning over a few years to process a steady trickle of backlog to the point where I can now sometimes actually experience emotions in real time other than a hard irksome resistance that irritates other people, and I am able to feel more in the moment with my family. But sometimes when something big and hard comes at me very fast, I have the conscious option to simply flick a switch and shut all that off, thanks in part to a variety of childhood challenges that resulted in a sort of kaleidoscopic way of dealing in the now, like handing off a challenge to another part of me more capable of dealing, and then sliding back in when the challenge has passed. I've been learning how to 'share' memories on the inside so I don't compartmentalize like the old days, so I'm able to remember better than simply from a detached back seat driver state of mind.

More simply put, it was extremely fortuitous that I was physically able to stand in for my kiddo while she was dealing with the extremely challenging realization that she was meeting her mortality face to face with time rapidly ticking down until there were minutes to spare, according to the surgeon who worked on her. It was extremely beneficial that I didn't have to deal with having emotional meltdowns while her life hung in the balance, and it was so extremely handy that I was able to accomplish all this when she needed me the most, despite decades of fail and faceplant on my part.

She's ok, thank God.

So now I've been home about 4 weeks and it's time to pay the piper, as they say. 

I am learning that troponin levels can be associated with mental stress. Troponin is what they check to confirm heart attacks. I'm learning that a lifetime of mild troponin response from stress can be as damaging as an actual blood clot or other crisis related to heart disease. I'm obviously finding out what a lifetime default of 'fight or flight' does to people as they age, and now it's my turn to pay attention and hopefully get this smoothed out. (This seems unrelated to last January when I kept not breathing in my sleep until I nearly couldn't wake up and breathe at all. That isn't happening now.)

So this week several cardiologists apparently had a little conference about what to do with me, and then the nurses strongly encouraged me to hang out with them long enough to accept adapting to being on 3 blood pressure meds now (I would not have been compliant if I'd chosen to go home), since my emotional response can override anything anyone throws at me, including actual sedation, as seen in past events. I have such a strong fight or flight response, even after years of being coached down from a lifetime of high anxiety, that even on a day I think is going great and has been very peaceful, thank you delayed response, I can suddenly experience my chest, neck, and head going so tight that I have work just to breathe. I'm sure crashing down off my thyroid pills didn't help. The cardiologists strongly advised me to never do that again. Joke's on them, they never saw the 2012 crisis where I was supervised completely off it for longer than that just to keep me out of a hospital with the blood pressures I was dealing with, thanks to 2 decades of birth control screwing up other vital hormones.

Funny how none of this happened while we were all in actual in the moment crisis. I literally shoved everything aside and stepped up and super controlled all that while I needed to. I am very strong willed that way. (The story I tell of my dad pulling me out of ER right after a nasty accident is pretty telling of the way I can steel my will when I 'hand off' to another part of me.)

But now it's time to recover. I'm an old person again with palpitations galore that freak me out when I'm home alone for hours. Scott said I might need to start smoking pot, but I really don't wanna go that far. I'm not the best candidate for wise decision making even when I'm on top of my game, so I don't think getting a bit wasted is a good idea.

I guess the goal now is to relax. 😂😂😂 I may have to talk to my primary about chill pills. She's allowing me to keep a xanax prescription for lack of anything I'd be compliant on, and even these I break in half. I just really hate the idea of putting on weight, you know? I've lost 8 pounds so far during all this, and I vehemently do not want to put that back on. Meds are horrible for weight gain, and after years of handfuls of meds and finally slowly working my way off them and then working the weight back down over several more years, last thing I want is an anxiety pill making me eat like I'm on pot... *rolling my eyes*

👉 Every nervous giphy you could ever need or want 👈 click

And I don't even have any news on, lol. 😄

Distraction time.

In case you are wondering, as I do, whether directed radiation or even just electronics in general can hype up your thyroid, here you go.

The Effect of Electromagnetic Radiation due to Mobile Phone Use on Thyroid Function in Medical Students Studying in a Medical College in South India

I'm sure you could find more information along those lines. Interesting that I wasn't affected away from my home, though. Just have to keep saying that.