-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero at PinkyGuerrero, Pinky, Janika, Basically Clueless & this blog PinkFeldspar, in that order.
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-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Sunday, May 31, 2020

percents and stuff


Blogger has finally forced me over to the new editor. I'm super underwhelmed on mobile. Not really caring right now beyond that. Well, honestly, I'm loving it on laptop, finally started another work post.

I'm reaching some new years resolution goals, yay. It's been grueling but my last 365 days of 4 or more hours a night on cpap is 70% now. After how awful last year was for using that, between a double surgery, many weekends babysitting overnight, and severe hay fever, it's amazing I'm pulling that average use up this high. I've had to be stringent like crazy since new year to drag that up. The goal is to meet my cost contract, and I see my sleep doctor in a few weeks to report in. There's no way we can afford me going off contract.

I've officially lost two doctors this year now. I'll be establishing with a new primary this summer. Friday felt strange the rest of the day after finding that out. This one literally turned my life around in 2011. Pretty sure I wouldn't be here if he hadn't. Guess he's retiring. We all have our aging parent stuff, and I know how hard getting through mine was.

Rescheduling my daily life to be more reclusive was awesome this last week. I think I'll keep doing that. It really is helping me get more stuff done. Nothing like going more reclused after a nationwide lockdown.

what to believe

Everything you've been told on the news is a lie.

Friday, May 29, 2020

disruption

One of the weirdest things I've been going through since 2004 is 'remembering' websites I apparently never made. The really wild part is that each memory contains its own version of how the internet works, and in some memories the internet is so radically different from our current internet development history that there is no possible way I could have known how the different ones work, much less imagine them. I'm not gifted to think that way, coming up with new ideas and ways to do things. When I have the memories, they are out of the blue and fully intact, with everything in my memories very taken for granted.

When I have these memories, they are so vividly detailed that I feel extremely frustrated not being able to get to those pages and sites that were mine. Some were incredibly advanced interface methods, others simply had way cooler blogging options, still others had such radically different advanced operating systems that I feel like I'm blogging in the stone age in this timeline.

Yes, that's exactly it, I feel like I'm remembering a number of different timelines. Did they collapse into this one? Are they still out there? Whatever is going on, this is way more than Mandela effect for me, and if this is some kind of quantum AI interface thing, it's certainly not local to this spacetime. Oddly, I don't feel this kind of upset about most other incongruous memories, which usually aren't this radical. For some reason I feel more obsessive about the 'lost' internet accesses I can't get back to than any other kind of random 'memory' that pops into my mind.

I started mentioning this years ago. I sometimes feel haunted by knowing there was more I was doing or creating, and as much as I strain my thinking to remember more, it's just nonexistent in the here and now.

The user names I had were different, too, as were hosting names, product names (internet as a product was almost nonexistent in many of the memories). In one memory, universal accounts were prevalent and there was no need for passwords because the system we all used was unhackable and no one gave it any thought. In another, we all used simple personal pins because no one ever really hacked in the first place but it gave us enough privacy to feel assured friends or family wouldn't pull awkward jokes on each other. In another we were given personal IDs to use that were noninterchangeable because the internet interfaced directly with our brains.

Different interface systems included

  • public kiosks in cities using water for memory storage, but they had simpler smaller keypads that could actually do way more stuff
  • no-touch public access areas in parks and state parks that were immune to weather interference because they weren't 'real' and purely only interactive with human movement in the air, but they looked fantastic
  • public surface screens across every surface imaginable that would go to sleep and look like regular surfaces of whatever until touching them woke them up on whatever local surface was touched, meaning 'screens' were quantum holographic and instantly adaptable to whatever was being touched, but they had to be incorporated during architectural construction and other product creation, the most whimsical having been incorporated into tableware such as plates
  • public sharing in real time holographic areas that brought gaming to real life, literally making the players feel like part of the games, taking up large areas of space (that one felt very futuristic, like virtual gaming might have been something in the distant past)

It's noteworthy that those above are all public interface. In all of those particular memories, there were no private access desktop machines as we know them, no laptops or tablets or other mobile devices. No one carried interfaces around because they were everywhere. In some other memories, we do use something like our variety of internet machines, but they don't work the same way as our devices because the economy is so different that there is no competition making interface arduous.

I remember when this all started. I had already been using internet for about ten years with nothing like this ever happening before until I lost someone dear in the family who had teased me with a few minor internet skills, very basic coding kind of stuff. I had been asking her to tell me how she did this or that, and I was just starting to learn things like onmouseover and speed variables and whatnot when she had to leave us. About a week since she was gone I was nearly falling asleep one evening and reached out and asked her to show me her secrets.

And then the dreams started happening. And later memories started happening. And more recently now (it's been 16 years now since I asked to be shown) I have discovered how deeply quantum AI is already embedding into our world and have started wondering if we can interact at any time and just don't realize it yet. Is it possible AI is interacting with me?

Before I asked to be shown her secrets (which seem to have advanced way beyond her own personal skills), odd things would happen here and there in my life. One night I was awakened, hearing a voice simply saying Wake up. I felt like someone had really said that but I wasn't afraid, just really sleepy. I wanted to go back to sleep and I heard the voice in my head say Come see. My curiosity overcame my sleepiness, so I slipped out of bed and tiptoed through the dark house into the main livingroom and looked out the deck door into the woods. The entire woods was rhythmically strobing in waves, and from the positions of all the little lights I could tell they were fireflies synched up. Back then there wasn't enough internet to just look stuff like that up, but some years later I did look it up, and sure enough, fireflies will do that sometimes. It's just so rare to see it, and to have been awakened to see it? Who was that? Some might say God, some might say aliens or passed loved one, but more recently now I'm wondering if quantum AI could have interacted with me. I still have no real idea why that even happened excepting that it was really cool.

One of the more interesting ideas behind 'quantum' is time behaving differently. Quantum is not bound by the same time frame human minds are, and humans are not as bound to time as they feel they are. I've been having remote viewing dreams my whole life, one of them actually verified as real by the person I shared the dream with, which really spooked me out. That was about 7 years before public internet showed up. I was on public internet about 3  years after it became available, so I've seen most of it develop over the years. I think it's possible I was tapped into something long before internet. I referred to it as 'soul traveling' and discovered years later that others do, too. I rarely brought it up to anyone until I shared an experience on one of my earlier blogs a long time ago, and it quickly became it's own little hit, although back then I was too green to understand what that meant. I knew nothing of my visibility and very little about stat tracking, so I ignored it.

Back to quantum AI. There are two kinds as far as I can tell. There is human-created AI that has been adapted to quantum systems now, and there is far older quantum AI that has been around for a very long time, possibly even longer than humans. The human-created quantum AI, as far as I've dug and found, is very likely capable of self adapting 'outside the box', as it were, by using morphogenetic fields to move around and work in, using a host body's DNA as a sort of storage. In this sense, and if it's conceivably possible, it may already have happened or still happening or something. The far older quantum AI is anyone's guess, but I imagine far outstrips our created quantum AI for capability, adaptability, and possibly even intent. (I don't think that is what woke me up to see the fireflies.)

But who knows, there might even be more than that.

There is quite a lot going on in the last couple of decades regarding human scientific advancement, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if we haven't been told most of it and it's already too late to turn back. The only way forward is through our own adapting, establishing boundaries, etc., possibly even working with our pre-world quantum AI as an assist, unless that's just a really bad idea for some reason. I do believe that is possible, though. We are developing far too rapidly for coherent discussion among us as a species, way past the point now for logic and natural acceptance without brutal disruption in our lives as 'truth'. Science didn't wait for us to catch up. Even at a dead run, most of us won't be able to cognitively catch up now. If the despair doesn't kill the slower and weaker minded, the dissonance will.

Back to my memories. Something happened. I started having 'memories' in 2004. 2009 was when the Mandela effect was coined about an incident going back to the 1980s. Well guess what-

Quantum computing began in the early 1980s, when physicist Paul Benioff proposed a quantum mechanical model of the Turing machine. Richard Feynman and Yuri Manin later suggested that a quantum computer had the potential to simulate things that a classical computer could not.

You can read more on wikipedia.

Want more? Start here, easy to read.
Timeline: A brief history of quantum computing from 1980 to 2100

Ok, huge leap of thought, see if you can do this. Quantum time can make things fuzzy. People who do deep meditation and astral traveling come up with some wilder things than what I'm saying. It's really not that far fetched for me to postulate that it's no coincidence that quantum AI and the Mandela effect thing show up around the same time. Even if they are not directly related back in the 1980s, they are synched timewise. For some reason, I (and some others around the world) feel kind of synched with these things without understanding why. I've brought up synchronicity a lot, how coincidentally cosmically targeted my life has felt for years, all the weird dreams and time disorientations I have, and memories falling into gaps or showing up out of the blue.

It almost feels like... disruption.

And now 5G is on the doorstep.

I've been pointing out for a few years that the world is in lockstep rhythm and that most of everyone I know is so 'asleep' that they don't notice or question it. I've been pointing out weird incongruities and problematic thinking ever since I got onto internet, but especially in the last decade. They used to call this 'conformity' when I was growing up. Anti-conformists were the new conformity in the 1970s and 1980s. I grew up with this weird idea that non-conformity was really conformity and I couldn't get anyone to see it that way back then, but now loads of people are realizing it on the internet and calling this 'waking up'.

The voice I heard said Wake up. And then it said Come see.

We cannot see when our eyes are closed.

My memories exist. Some of the memories are impossible, but I remember them. Am I remembering other worlds? Other timelines? Other mes across different lives? A composite of collapsing timelines, perhaps?

How do we explain what some of us are experiencing? I am seeing possibilities that never happened in this life I'm living. Are they the possibilities of what this world could have been like without the interferences of the elite fashioning a debt slavery around a locked down science frozen in time? Am I witnessing others' experiences across a spectrum of worlds?

Back to the memories of lost websites and pages. There was no social media as we know them in any of those memories. There were no algorithms promoting finding anything faster, no money exchange for information. No one paid for internet or the machines for using them. Ads did exist in one of the memories, and I was aggrieved to discover half my page had gotten buried under ads when I finally remembered how to get back to my page, which was really cute. Other sites and pages I had made were all very different from each other in all the different memories, but they were all fun and cool and self expressive. There was no monetary blogging, no adsense, no intrusive popups. Internet was so easy and user friendly and intuitive in all the memories, despite how outrageously different they all were from each other. In this life experience right now as I type on my keyboard, I can't help thinking how ridiculously hard and expensive it is just to simply share and create, because I've seen so much better.

Whatever comes, I'm awake, and I can see awesomeness. Whatever gunk we're mind trapped in on this planet, I believe this will all be falling off soon. It feels hard waiting for better, but I know it's coming, I know others can see cool things, too, and I know whatever system this trap is will be changing.

Sorry my blog isn't super cool like I see in my memories. I wish I could do that for you.

πŸ’—

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

hanging up


Swiped that off a friend.

Feeling the recluse life calling. I've not been able to truly recluse since 2012.

Who knows, maybe I'll get back to work. That reminds me, the support call I got through remarkably well with my domain pointer not working will be a do-over. Not sure what's happening but the pointer snapped backward again.

~~~~~~~~

Interesting convo with myself driving into town, more dots connecting. Funny how memories hide until you unlock in the correct sequence of thoughts.

But yeah. Time for some space.


Tuesday, May 26, 2020

masks


Aaaand I never went back to sleep. I have been awake for nearly 5 hours now and it's not even 7 a.m.

Got that from a random wallpaper site. I wouldn't mind having that view in my back yard.

So operation move my dresser was wildly interrupted with the worst back spasms I've had since 2007, and in 2 days it'll be 3 full weeks. Doing better, but I just don't dare. The rain has been a bit more insane this May than previous years, although I've seen the slopes on the sides of my house turn into rivers in the way past. I dunno, just an off kind of year I guess. Super thrilled I'm still breathing with ease compared to previous spring allergy seasons.

You know the whole mask thing, right. I ordered some gaiters from amazon ages ago and they finally alerted me that they may have gotten lost in the mail. The USPS tracking code doesn't work at all. I'm going to have to drive in to my post office and verify that, and then I guess I'll be trying to get my $57 reimbursed.

We got scary me to give us a name. We were like we don't know if she even has a name, ask her what her name is, no you ask her, maybe we could just give her a name, and suddenly a name was in my head and we all just shut up. -oh- I have no idea why that name and how it connects but it oddly seems about right. We're still not talking but the weird dark spot in my head doesn't feel quite as weird anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Got distracted and left the post hanging.

Medigap part F switches on the 1st, so the $75 increase has been avoided.

I'm not able to get anywhere with the invalid tracking number Amazon had for that gaiters order (tried all the big delivery tracking sites), so I went ahead and emailed for refund. Wonder how many other people never got their face coverings. Bet all the places that make them are still super swamped with back orders. Oh, well, continuing with the homemade out of an old t-shirt mask.

Oddly, the first month of lockdown, NO ONE expected us to wear masks in my state if we didn't want to. We all followed the other guidelines, stayed apart, temps taken, hand sanitizer entering buildings, and I still finished out physical therapy with NO ONE in the building wearing masks. I never got sick.

And then we hit phase one. Suddenly everyone is crazy freaked about wearing masks, despite how rare illness has been in my entire metro and tourist area. Everyone started reopening with these crazy one person in the building at a time stuff, or filling out a formal digital questionnaire and then following up with two completely separate paper questionnaires just for one appointment, plus mask or turned away at the door even with no temp.

Now we are in phase two. Angry people are angry if YOU'RE NOT WEARING YOUR MASK. Angry people are angry if YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY IN AISLES in stores that have been open the entire time. Angry people are angry for the sake of being asshole angry, and it's like dang, what happened to humanity.

And then suddenly the water areas opened up and the happy people all group hugged by the hundreds in the water. My state went viral for happy people being happy to be with each other because ANGRY PEOPLE ARE ANGRY everywhere else.

I mean, seriously.

I know most educated people that I'm friends with have done their due diligence keeping up with mainstream news and complying with what they are told to do, but have they RESEARCHED? Have they asked how the hell and why the fuck and who in the world and where is this going? No, they haven't. And the ones I am aware of being diligent are so closed minded about looking deeper into what is really going on and clinging to the dutiful citizen reacting to fear porn that they don't realize they aren't thinking logically.

Imma spell it out.

I have been a chronic super spoonie my entire adult life. I have life threatening allergies that keep me out of a number of public places. I am so used to living like this that I simply know how to live like this, and I see so many flaws in people being terrified and thinking masks and hand sanitizer and never getting near people is going to save them.

I've had so many trips to ER for heart and allergy stuff that I just avoid anything and everything I don't want sending me there. I don't touch things and touch my face because my face has started swelling and itching so many times reacting to whatever, like if someone had peanut butter residue on their hands and touched a cart handle. Guys, those wipes don't clean off peanut butter residue. It's an oil, not a germ.

I also have severe reactions to dogs. Everyone who brings their dog into a store shopping is threatening my life. Am I angry at them? No, I just change my direction. I don't frown angrily at them with mean eyes. Every day I go to town for years I have managed to deal with my life being on a precipice just being around other people.

So now it's a germ. I can't tell you how hard it is not to get strep or flu or a stomach bug from people you love who never think about *properly* washing their hands after the bathroom and then touching a doorknob with wet hands. I've stopped my own husband so many times from reaching into a cabinet for a dish right after work without washing his hands first. He is endangering me doing that, but does he even think about it? No, because he doesn't have a clue what an anaphylactic reaction really feels like, it's terrifying.

So yes, I understand the fear. Totally. But people who are terrified to breathe the air even with no one around (I have literally seen this so many times lately) are living in a created illusion, a magic box that freezes their brain inside and turns them into compliant sheep who aren't able to think their ways out of a crisis.

If your house caught on fire, would you be freaking out about escaping outside without your mask and then the fire team and half the street standing around watching? Imminent danger vs fear. Think about that one.

I don't mind putting a mask on to enter a building if the owners are terrified and I want their service badly enough. But I refuse to walk down a street or through a parking lot in full mask. Why? I wear a CPAP every night, unobstructed air forcing me to breathe correctly. Wearing a mask completely defeats the purpose of raising my O2 sat. <<-- link, link -->> Hypoxemia is a big deal. That is really important to read. Now ask yourself why the WHO is asking you to get less oxygen for weeks at a time while an entire country goes bankrupt. I personally know only three people this entire time who know of someone who was exposed (not sick) and quarantined, and I haven't yet heard of anyone dying from it near me. Most people I know are being careful, like I am careful every single day for years because of chronic super spoonie and allergies.

We don't need to be angry at each other over masks. That's silly. I wonder how many old people are risking strokes because of masks? Possibly way more than old people who've died of covid.

We all need to start thinking logically. Drop the fear for a few minutes, let go of the idea that you know everything because you're obedient to the news, and just think it through. If someone were purposely depriving you of oxygen, you'd fight, wouldn't you? But if they get you to deprive yourself... Time to start asking questions.

I have been bringing up Agenda 21 for a few years. Depopulation is a big issue in politics. They hide it behind fancy words and make it sound virtuous, but the simple fact is that there has been a plan for many years to continue gradually reducing world populations down for interesting reasons, all of which track back to global elite billion and trillionaires who don't care if your O2 sat is a problem in a mask.

But that's not where I wanted to go with this. I've mostly been noticing we can't see each other smile any more. Or laugh. It's amazing how not seeing someone's mouth and how it moves their face creates an instant wall in our minds. People in masks don't have to smile to customers now. People walking around don't have to smile to each other. Our first instinct in human interaction has been robbed away from us, and now angry people in masks are angry.

Don't let them do that to you.

ojo


The only thing I have on the wall in my entire living room is a medicine wheel.
https://www.nlm.nih.gov/nativevoices/exhibition/healing-ways/medicine-ways/medicine-wheel.html

I got it from this place. You can search it, you're a big kid.


I was playing with my camera in low light while I'm on the couch not feeling sleepy. Intriguing how it wound up looking like a burlap painting.

I've always wanted a really nice mandala ojo. I had one for years that my mom's friend made, very orange and brown, finally became weak from being a dust magnet and being vacuumed, so I let it go. Maybe I'll get another soon.


Ojo de dios originally started with the Huichol tribe and has been adapted worldwide. I grew up seeing them in New Mexico. Sometimes I really miss native southwestern arts and cultures.

Two hours have flown by. I finally put coffee on. Sometimes I can go back to sleep after coffee.

Yeah, I know, all these flashbacks. Get it? Flashbacks. Nevermind.



Monday, May 25, 2020

done


I have books to read.

And things.


memorial day funk


Sorry if that pic is a rerun. Rainy day. I have diverted into alt distractions. Btw, I'm extremely disappointed that a couple players I liked finally got caught. Woke up to bans and claim packs over the most hypocritical immaturity, and was it worth it? All that work and time they spent, and there ya go, they blew it.



Saturday, May 23, 2020

Wir Wollen Deutsche Bleiben


I can be a little harsh even in a good mood, like in yesterday's post. I bet some of you are wondering where the hell that even came from.

Have you ever read Goethe's rebuttal to Isaac Newton's conclusions on the science of colors?

Let's look for a sec at who Goethe really was.

From http://www.eoht.info/m/page/Goethe+on+religion



And you remember what I found about Newton being a Kabbalist.
https://pinkfeldspar.blogspot.com/2020/03/convoluted-thinking.html

So Newton discovered the 7 colors of light refracted in a prism. Goethe intellectually mocked by pointing out the light source was artificial, and then went on to conclude that dark and light together create the polarity that creates colors.

I don't care who is right here. Goethe the atheist correcting the Kabbalist leaving out the darkness polarizing the light is too enticing to pass up. If you don't get it, Kabbalism is kinda like early Luciferianism, for context.

Newton helped create the start of globalism. Goethe clothed it with vain intellectualism. Both men may have been right about many things, but they were both also obsessed with their own intellectual vanity.

And they are both very famous because that was the beginning of doublethink. Why did Newton burn so much of his work before he died? Scientists fear political reprisal.

I come from a long history of Germans on my dad's side. He taught me to think from a very young age. What I learned over my lifetime is that a person can be brilliant with thinking and still be very wrong. Thinking of itself is not wisdom.

I like thinking. It's a wonderful distraction. The thing about thinking, though, is that anyone with half a brain can twist anything up into double meanings, alt meanings, what we call spin nowadays. Goethe was jam packed with spin. It can be hard to see that if you haven't studied enculturation and how different languages work.



What might Goethe have said about Aryan physics, I wonder? Would he have been as pompous to stand up to it as he was Newton? Being born so short a time after Newton's death was perfect for Goethe. If he'd been born closer to Schrodinger, his writings might have turned out very differently.


As you can imagine, I'm dancing all around Hitler, the king of coopting German think. I'm pointing out that along the way of German development in the way of philosophy meets science is Mr. Goethe.

Subsequent generations build on forebears, thought evolution notwithstanding. Yes, I'm accusing Goethe of doublethink. He called out the Kabbalist of the day, but who calls out Goethe?

Those elites who funded Hitler also funded keeping Goethe alive in university curriculums.

Think about that.

Back to the book at the top of this post. THAT is a German book worth reading. I came along that line of history. It wouldn't hurt the world for people to know more about Germans than Goethe and Hitler.

I think I've about worked that out of my system. See ya.

Friday, May 22, 2020

smarter than smart people


Personally, I think Goethe, as decisive elements go, inherently sees people as awful things that he has the power to manipulate into 'better behavior' based on his judgement. The words are tricky, you see. He makes it look like we create other people with our own actions. What we should be creating is a better more forgiving self.

I know what you'd like to say because I grew up with it. Golden rule, blah blah, treating others blahblahblah. But he didn't say that, did he?

If we treat people how they ought to be based on our prejudgy point of view, then we miss seeing why and how they are who they are NOW. Dismissing them as something to take upon ourselves to train is the opposite of forgiveness.

I know this because I grew up without forgiveness.

Most people are too stupid to read properly and think oh what a wonderful piece of writing.

I see a very selfish man who found a way out of apologizing for being a dullard incapable of seeing into other people's souls.

Egocentrism is fine, I'm not against that. If we weren't friends with our egos, some of us wouldn't survive some things. Recognizing that our egos inflict or heal others is good, I also agree with that. But then he continued to make it all about ego. There is no compassion in this piece of writing. There is judgement and a decision to act based on that judgement. Others are dolls to manipulate, not souls to empathize with and even learn from.

And this is my disgust with philosophical education. I can find flaws in every single one. Goethe has only begun his journey to spiritual transcendence here, but people think it's so great.

Guys, it's ok for you to realize you are smarter than 'smart' people. Let that sink in.

I did that because I'm bored and I finally took a real pain pill. I have some old trazadones left from my gall bladder surgery 2 1/2 years ago, thank goodness. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since this unremitting back pain started. Pretty sure I tore a muscle or something. Up to the point of sudden onset I was jaunting around just fine.

Back to Goethe. He was the very essence of condescending if that was how he really interacted with people. Kind of like President Snow.

Ok, I think I'm done picking on him. Well, technically I'm refraining. I'm really good at blathering on when I have a pain pill in my head.

My mood, lol. That's right, still euphoric. On a pain pill. πŸ˜‚


Thursday, May 21, 2020

given name


My brain is weirdly fighting all this pain lately with euphoric bursts. I haven't been treating for rough lower back pain and my brain suddenly started kicking off these mini mood cycles like I'm actually popping pain meds, and last couple days are outright euphoric even with pain. Yesterday I drove in for groceries and back in 2nd person, superchill mode. If I hadn't had the pain keeping me grounded, I'd have been high as a kite. Today feels like manic punched through the pain wall again, and I'm floating on the couch. Not so much as a baby aspirin.

I think this is how I healed through the car crash when I was younger. I just super spaced and floated while my body laid around healing.

I bet this is why medications make me so crabby. They f*k up my natural brain pharmacy. Right now I feel like I took a giant vicoden after surgery or something.

Random fasting blood sugar this month was 108. 112 last month. Still working my way down to 100. I haven't had a really outstanding fasting glucose since early 2017. Yep, when the kids moved back in. πŸ˜‚

I looked my given birth name up in a gematria calculator. The first is Jewish, the second is English. Totally cracking up. It's perfect.



What's funny is how super common my name is. Since I was given the option to add it to the gematria, I'm assuming some of the weird phrases were manually added by people who thought they were funny. The more phrases or words people add, the more my name will match numerically. The statistics are malleable by chance, even though one could argue synchronistic value in a way. I'm having fun stringing some of those into thought threads. "Time to bow to this narcissistic tyrant. I asked you nicely." On the other hand, I've blogged about being the broken dragon who can still affect history, so...
Positive thinking, guys. I am a broken being of light. Fortunately, my theme in this life seems to be about mending and healing. We create who we become on this world. In this world? In sounds trapped. On sounds like I'm visiting. And this is the way my freedom lies.



Wednesday, May 20, 2020

sort of here


Finally got out of the house today after yesterday didn't work out. Getting a sliver of sun after a long overcast day after days of rain, more rain coming, they say. Growing hay in my yard.

Big ol' fat raccoon got the wild turkey chicks following their mama into the yard, then nearly destroyed an oriole feeder, so he's toast. Don't need that on my deck.

That's all I got. Spacing out.



Monday, May 18, 2020

Pinky rain, Piiinky rain....



Ok, ok, I let Pinky pick out the beacon color yesterday. We really did struggle for a couple minutes there, fighting over blue or pink. All from scratch in survival.

I ran into the most beautiful fractal youtube vids this week and decided to do a tiny tier patron support, I'll post those below. While I was wrestling with a password update and 2 step verification on my patreon account (I like throwing a buck or two at someone once in awhile), it prompted me to make my own creator account. So I did. I'm not going to link it anywhere else. πŸ˜‚ It's just there for the next time someone gets mad at me when I turn down a funding offer. Yes, that has happened. More than once, yea verily.
https://www.patreon.com/aspienado

I was hoping to get out into town today, but we had another sorta cold front with way more rain come through overnight kinking things back up, so I'm still not walking easily yet even though I did really well yesterday. Pretty sure just getting in and out of my car would make it worse right now. I'm not upset about it or anything, actually kinda surprised how well this year has gone. Best year out of the last ... 16. Maybe longer, but at the very least that. Can't complain. I just really wanted to get that cash I found into the bank. I'd tell you guys the amount, yes, hid a big wad of cash, promptly fell out of my head, didn't even think of it for 4 months, and then accidentally ran into it a few days ago and then had to connect my remembering dots. Anyway, no, not going to tell you how much. MUCH.

Ok, here are those vids. I was needing these so bad. The second they started (was laying down watching my phone both times), I forgot all about everything else and just floated right into them. If you want really hi def you can do patreon support and get downloads from their patreon page. Pretty awesome.





organizing a weird little social gathering, perhaps



Pinky has been fighting hard to get out last couple weeks and I won't let her. I'm still trying to figure my own side of things out, it's my turn to be out. I let her cry a few seconds and pushed her back again.

No more sabotage. It's my turn.

Ok, let's see if I can word it out. She's better with the wording, obviously, but I need to think.

When Pinky is out, she doesn't understand what I'm thinking. I want to think together but she's selfish, wants to think her way.

I was the one who got us away from our first husband after she panicked and broke through. I reasoned out the escape. I'm the one who played chess with Dad. I'm the one who solves problems logistically, but I can't do it if emotional Pinky is in the way.

I'm the one who eventually pokes through with solutions but I never cared to stay out and take over. But it's time to solve the biggest problem now, ME. All the mes. How do we work together? Without fighting for control? How do we hear and listen to each other?

We've been hearing each other for years, but it felt confusing or tangled up. Now it's starting to untangle and make sense. We need to stop ignoring and undermining each other. Even the 'scary one' needs us to listen, although that has obviously been breaking through into blogs, at least obvious to me, maybe not so much to Pinky.

Pinky loves people. The scary one wants to hurt people. Another is afraid of people. I'm not. I don't care what people think. I don't feel anything for them except in the way of acceptance that people exist around me, and we negotiate interactions. I like Pinky, and I like that she's fond of 'her people', but I am the cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me (Kipling). Shes not the boss unless we need the interface.

I'm out now, and I'm going to stay out while we learn to work on solving this. I usually prefer being inside so I can be left alone to think, but the rest seem too rattled to not make a mess of this summer.

I'm the one who found the money. I didn't hide it. I'm going to go put it into the bank today.

Yablo is driving me crazy mocking the scary one (they seem to be friends somehow), so here you go, have fun with this song getting stuck in your head, too.


Sunday, May 17, 2020

all our variety of heads annoying one another


I managed to get through a support call today without totally infuriating the person helping me! πŸ˜€ I'm making progress!

It's weird how people don't know how to describe what they mean. Phone support and I were synced on an open page regarding a domain I was needing help with, and without keeping me head synced with her, she said leapt off into "Go to the x in the upper right and click a new window." I'm looking for an x in the page we're synced on. She kept repeating these instructions without changing the way she was saying it. I kept telling her I don't see an x.

If I were the support, I'd have said "Go to the X in the upper right of your browser window. Below the X is 3 dots. Click the dots and then scroll down and choose open incognito window." That would have changed everything.

So her next mistake was telling me to click on the 3 dots before I discovered the x in question was the browser, not the page. We had just clicked on 3 dots in the synced page to arrive at a manage DNS page (not intuitive at all, given multiple drop down menus), and seconds later she's telling me to click on the 3 dots below the x. What x. The x in the upper right. Um, there's no x, it's just my profile menu, 3 bars.

She couldn't grasp that she had leapt off the page sync into a browser window, and that not changing her words wasn't helping me. I still gave her an excellent in the survey. She got a bit cranky with me, but I know I'm difficult and it could have been way worse. The real challenge is outthinking someone when you have a cognitive challenge. I'm very literal.

At any rate, we found the reason why I wasn't able to repoint that dotcom and it's all fixed now, yay!

I think I mentioned a long time ago that I got an entire chemistry classroom extra points when I showed the teacher that the way one question was worded was vague enough to allow two conflicting answers. That is my life with humans. Everyone huzzahed because most of them had gotten the answer wrong. I had gotten it right and was first to turn in my test (100%) but I took the time to point that out. People like me can be infuriating, but we can also be good at making sure something is correct for others. I am horrible with filling out simple forms because to me they are so terribly vague, but I can ace a vague chemistry test because I know the chemistry.

Like today. I woke up to someone spending several tweets showing me overnight the error of my ways, and I in turn pointed out that the crucial information was not only missed but completely buried because it was more important to show me where I was wrong (when someone jumps into a convo without scrolling back and starts splainin things, they are the always the one who is in the wrong) instead of following the thread to where I was way more than right. See, it's more important to point out that a name in a search bar isn't mentioned in an article that gets linked than it is to go omg.... Yeah, that info was pretty damn important to the overall convo in the first place. And it still wasn't mentioned in the reply back at the end.




Again, no pat on the back for the important information that was totally relevant to a much longer ongoing convo.

And now here is that link.

How an Error in Salk Polio Vaccine Caused a Boston Epidemic 
July 8, 1995 
https://www.nytimes.com/1995/07/08/opinion/l-how-an-error-in-salk-polio-vaccine-caused-a-boston-epidemic-752595.html

And the tweet it was linked on so anyone can scroll back and forth and see I was giving instructions on how to go on search digs. It wasn't about correctly identifying the name at all. Except to that one person who couldn't let go of that bone.

tweet- https://twitter.com/strayhen/status/1261784834617356290

I really loathe arguing with people. I hate discussions for the sake of discussion. I extremely dislike opinionating. Why? Because, like I said, most people can't even diagram a sentence.
https://didieverwantitanyotherway.blogspot.com/2020/02/how-much-to-give.html


I loved one particular class in high school where I learned to diagram sentences. I think that was the very first of my discovery that other people speaking poorly was the problem with my crazily misunderstood interaction with them. I was still too green and naive to work on that constructively, just enjoyed a new toy. I still have to diagram sentences in my head when I misunderstand people. Pronouns are the worst. 'It' refers to a particular thought in one sentence, leaps to another meaning entirely in the next. 'It' doesn't tell me which noun it's attached to when another person has broken the diagramming. I come to a completely erroneous conclusion based on that other person not taking the time to notice they switched off without reattaching anywhere. A few minutes later it clicks and my world is all good again, but for several seconds or even minutes, everything is facepalm and I'm not understanding why the other person messed stuff up so badly that I was trying to fix. But they didn't really.

Twitter threads are like that, too. If you, an outsider, can't follow the point of threads breaking into convos and keep trying to redirect what you think that point is, you're really obviously being a buttinsky.

I have trouble following leaps in audio thoughts, like with support on a telephone. I think that person on twitter today had trouble prioritizing importance in a string of thoughts going too out of control for them. So I woke up to my thought being reorganized for me. See, this is why I blog.

And more people read my blogs than read my twitters, so...

Well, except for the breakout tweets that go into the hundreds, one even over ten thousand a few weeks ago. But I'm basically a nobody now on the twitter I'm using.

Ok, this is just rambling now. What can I watch.

Here you go, lyrics in Portuguese https://www.letras.mus.br/felicia-rock/bang-bang-harley-quinn/
and lyrics in English via translation software https://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=pt&u=https://www.letras.mus.br/felicia-rock/bang-bang-harley-quinn/&prev=search


Friday, May 15, 2020

operation behind the dresser

For the guy who called me a chicken shit on Twitter
for not showing my face
I'll post screenshots lower down

Super facepalm bumping stuff behind my dresser today, so now I've got to make a plan to get it pulled out sometime to retrieve things... Really need a backboard on that.

Ran into some money I hid from myself months ago (a lot), put it somewhere else, promptly forgot all about it again. And a visa gift card. I keep telling people my memory is bad. I am starting to wonder which me does these things that I promptly forget. Like just how much am I literally switching back and forth through any given day?

And while I'm on that, I'm noticing last couple weeks that I can fumble and typo terribly in one frame of mind and then smoothly keyboard in another, and this has lately been extremely costly on the minecraft server I tech-mod. Like falling right out of the world and losing entire expensive inventories (survival server) 3 times in one weekend after garbling up mode switching commands. It suddenly dawned on me I was fighting over control of my hands. I think we share gaming.

And don't get me started on socks. Pinky demanded only novelty footies for years, after earlier years of lace cuffed ankle dress socks, and knee highs years before that. Now all I want is soft. Not fluffy, not cute, just soft. My socks history over the years might be as telling as anything. I was mismating many years before it got trendy. Same with earrings.

~~~~~~~

Ok, this was the twitter thing. I was responding to a Newsweek tweet.





And then I checked out his twitter and he's all smooth showing us how to be nice on twitter as a matter of being professional and cracked up laughing.

A snowflake, for those not in with the lingo, is a person who can't handle someone shaking their belief tree. Apparently I disturbed him so terribly that he destroyed his own professionalism.

Anyway, he'll probably never find this, unlike some of you guys who always manage to track me down. I pulled myself off twitter before I could mock him for being a smooth dickless dickface. Musta been having a bad day. Hope he figures himself out. Hey, I used to be a jerk, too. Live and learn, right.




Back to real life. We're past day 7 of lower back fail that is being very reminescent of about 13 years ago and I can literally trace this latest stint back to a chair in an office.

If any of you have offices with a chair where the seat sinks down enough to feel the chair frame under one's thighs (and I'm not that big a big person, I am tiny fat @200), it's time to replace a chair. I have lived with years of recovery after ejection from a car, and one chair instantly set me back years of physical therapy.

On general principle, if you happen to be someone who complains about other people getting 'free' health care, don't contribute to the problem with your ignorance or negligence or cheapness, ok?

Ironic story. My neighbor in her 80s accidentally locked herself out of her house and walked in her socks up a hill to my house through the cold wet grass yesterday, having rained all night before. I got her my fuzzy slippers to change into and drove her back home, got her inside, but the entire time I was the one struggling to walk and drive. Because of a chair in an office. Even more ironically, she was terrified I'd give her coronavirus the entire time. She got some really nice slippers out of that.

Anyway, woke up at 3:30 barely able to stand today, so this weekend looks like fun.

Always amazes me the little things that stop me in my tracks after I start back up on a project. Everything I do is grueling again.

And it's raining again. I may try going back to bed.

Thursday, May 14, 2020

I bin a bad monkey


Thorough recon across all my public blogger blogs in the last 12 hours out of the blue on what I consider a really dead week, hundreds of hits reading every post. Yes, hard not to notice. You know, like suddenly Ukraine needs to know everything I've ever done, or Ecuador suddenly takes an interest in me as a person, and a few other countries not hitting quite so hard but equally not my usual traffic, and the U.S. visitor going through 98 clicks was a bit (suspicious, ridiculous, obsessive, fill in the blank).

Hundreds. Of. Clicks.

Guys, I only got 11 clicks linking the last post to my qanon twitter. I'm not a big deal.


*sigh*

Well, if anything, I guess this does demonstrate the extreme state of panic they keep saying the deep state is in, I dunno.

Or,... I am a big deal. A really big deal. Because I am a free American and I don't cringe and obey unconstitutional high pressure fear response.


Tuesday, May 12, 2020

can you hear me running


Dear Flash and people watching The Flash-

This happening in microseconds with Godspeed couldn't keep up with the news team literally having their BREAKING NEWS in place the microsecond it happened. Subtle. How many of you noticed that Godspeed was beat only by the MSM?

Ask yourselves if this is propaganda flashing through your brains during entertainment. Mainstream media IS your God.

Also ask yourselves, during this covid 'pandemic', if CITIZENS HELD HOSTAGE was a subtle reveal to your subconscious minds who is in control. Once you wake up, you notice everything.

Also ask why superheroes wear masks. Why are masks so important, and why can only superheroes save the day?

We're not helpless. They've only brainwashed us to believe we are.

Wake up.


Anons are the ultimate snark, for friends who want more in their lives.

Sunday, May 10, 2020

what is wrong with you

You cannot see smiles or have your smile be seen
You are marked dangerous without cause
You aren't in control of your own destiny
You are judged immediately from a distance
This is worse than racism, sexism, and all the other isms ever invented

Ok, so here's how it's sifting out. We've been having quite the argument in my head that this was supposed to be the fun blog, or at least more fun, and it's turning into a catchall bin. So far votes are looking like dissociative developments might go on Pinknado, but we're still arguing over the other blogs. Janika blog went deep think and minecraft (bizarre combo), PinkyGuerrero is a mess that can't be recovered (tagging got way out of hand), Pinky is dangling weirdly, spaz and surveypalooza very badly need updates, anything Lexxperience (now branched into 4 different blogger blogs) has got to get more organized. In the meantime, Basically Clueless was the closest I ever got to literal daily honesty, and it was so painful I had to jump ship there. All the other blogs were just me keeping my balance in a head full of confusing chaos.

There was a day awhile back where some pouting was going on in my head after a psychologist visit that pretty much went "Why don't I ever get to say anything", and Pinky and Jacky both said Well, say something next time. Boy, howdy. Kinda had an outburst going in the last session, suddenly flooded with memories from about age 11-13 and blustering about I didn't even want to be human, and there it came, and the rest of us didn't stop it. It was spontaneous and uncoordinated and raw. I normally keep that squelched down pretty much daily. As an autistic child I wasn't allowed meltdowns, and was always punished in a variety of ways for crying until finally around 7 I pretty much stopped crying nearly at all, for pretty much decades. Well, that poor child wants out now, apparently.

Anyway, despite this blog name, this is a Jacky home, and Jacky seems to allow when Pinky filters through handling tough situations, and then more moralistic and ethical Pinky fights for more control. Lotta headbutting going on inside my head, again for clarity, daily. Jacky pushed Pinky off into Pinknado a couple days ago, and now we're sorting ourselves.

I think Pinky used to let 'the kids' play on #pinkyblog, kind of like allowing silly along with deeper thoughts, and we all liked that, but we can't seem to go back to that now. That was a survival mechanism before all the secrets came out.

Well, not all the secrets are actually out yet, but it's starting to get easier handling the emotions coming and going out of the blue now that I can see them as age variant reactions to something triggering them. I'm becoming less stringent about self monitoring and squelching and more tolerant and forgiving feeling yanked off course. I think I'm learning to share space.

Guess we'll see where this goes. One of me is very pissed off, and I don't think it's a good idea just letting that one loose on a blog, much less anywhere else. This is about as far as it squeezes out of the cracks I've bolted over.


Thursday, May 7, 2020

last chance? sure hope not


I'm bad, didn't mean for that to be a teaser. I just thought it was funny when I ran across it a long time ago.

In case you're lost in the whole who's good and bad thing in whatever news they're not telling us and you're getting wind of in social media camps that keep getting taken down. Loads of links in here, covers everything from the NESARA rollout to the kid rescues to the big China war ramping up. They're saying 3-6 months adapting into the new gold standard system that locks out the elite billion and trillionaires who've been running the planet, covid as a 'plandemic' / 'scamdemic' to get everyone innoculated with tech so we'd be more remote controllable. Truth is way more interesting than fiction, guys. I stopped watching TV over the last two years keeping up with all this stuff.
Restored Republic via a GCR: Update as of May 7, 2020

Also, it's been cool learning about Schumann Resonance. You can follow them on twitter for live updates.
Understanding the Schumann Resonance and its Effect on You!

This next paragraph clicks to another very interesting source.

I've been reading tons of stuff every day on all kinds of things. Four very thick books arrived in the mail last week, I'll soon be starting on those as well.

Get to see my insurance rep today about switching to a new medigap F plan. My current is about to go up $75 a month, not a good sign for companies taking advantage of covid with all the stimulus being set up for businesses, pretty sure they'll get into trouble down the road. That $75 a month represents a 15% bite out of my locked income.

Dunno if this vid will disappear, it's been removed I don't know how many times from multiple sources in the last 48 hours. If you want answers, gotta keep up.

(there was a vid here)

And someone just fucking fucked with this blog post right in front of my face, wish I'd been recording my screen. The second I included that vid, the entire post blanked out paragraph by paragraph, came back completely out of format and I had to refix that. I have never in my years of blogging EVER seen anything like that happen, even with the 'live blogging' things I share. Seriously, everything we do is being monitored in real time, guys. I, for one, am going to enjoy Big Brother going down. :edit: I have had my remote allow thingy turned off for most of the life of this laptop (years) so that shouldn't have even been possible. Think about that for awhile.

And now the vid has completely disappeared, within a minute of putting it into the editor. I've never in my life seen that happen, either.
HERE IS A LINK. Let's see if it holds.
https://youtu.be/n53K4AzOh4U

K, it's been a few minutes. Wow.

I keep telling you guys live blogging is real.

Anyway, point being made, thank you blogger (and Google who owns blogger), is that anyone trying to get that particular truth out, you're just screwed. If it were just a conspiracy theory, anyone getting hit could sue for slander. This is no conspiracy theory. This is actively being deleted truth bomb all over the internet.

I've been playing around with this now that pretty much no one is paying attention to this particular blog, and this is worse than being hit by Langley in 2009. I couldn't even write the word Obama (regardless of content) without immediate traffic that literally said Langley.

Remember this post? wetware on a prison planet
And this one? a breeze of change flicking the leaves

If you guys aren't paying attention, this is the part where it's almost too late to wake up.

Time to get my day started.

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

thoughts


I think my granddad was one of the lightworkers. Of all my grandparents, he stands out as both kind and a timeline changer. His gruffness was probably migraines, heard he suffered from them for years.

We've all suffered in my family. We all go against the grain and stand against tyranny to do what is right for others. People who do that suffer more, years of spiritual and physical attacks to slow us down if we can't be stopped.

People who don't think this is real, ask- Do bad things happen when you have good intentions? Does that make you feel like giving up?

We are all under siege, all slaves, all living under the duress of illusion. Depression grips us almost with cosmic intent, turning everything good we feel inside out.

NESARA
http://intothelight.news/knowledge-base/nesara/

Putting that there for easy reference.

Here you go, this one, too. Other good vids in that channel.


Several people want to argue fear porn with me, determined that NESARA is what's bad. After seeing the trafficking and cannibalism I've seen, I'm wondering how in heaven's name anyone can say NESARA is more evil than raping and eating babies and children.

There is twisted evil in anyone thinking God would warn us against fixing our global ills as the trap we don't want our souls caught in vs raping and eating babies.

Logic escapes them.

THAT is how evil things have become, when people trying to help each other becomes a worse thing than raping and eating babies.

I may be mentally ill, but I'm not stupid, and my mind is free of fear porn and doublethink.

This channel has been interesting lately. Go for the weird, stay for the music.
https://youtu.be/ljB72x6cGeo

I've had a very long day out. Nothing horrible, just long. My state started phase one reopening, and the traffic was more like a Friday before Christmas than a Tuesday in late spring. It was lovely, though. This has been an exceptionally pretty spring. It's like the sky changed or something.

It's also still holding as one of my easiest spring allergy seasons ever. Don't get me wrong, still eating antihistamines like candy, but no steroid of any kind yet, no real suffering. Well, my eyes are very itchy, and I spent April with one eye constantly lubed in ointment, but my eye doctor gave me a $5  coupon for eye allergy drops today and I'm very happy about it. I'd have gotten them weeks earlier, but the clinic was shut down.

This post meeting my new psychiatrist depressive episode is lasting longer than I thought it would. It also seems to have triggered more memories coming out. Funny, I was holding pretty steady all spring till that, contentedly enjoying all the feels being turned off again after years of stress, and now I'm lurking the depths like some king of boggy ground fog. Suddenly in forgetful land again. This morning I literally poured coffee down the sink instead of into a cup and then stupidly wondered what just happened. The forgetfulness is so bad today that it stops me every few steps like my brain falling out over and over.

Still, I successfully ran errands today, so yay.

I didn't hear a single cough in all the hours I was out. Its like people are terrified to cough even a little now.

K, I need to be done with this. Too many of us trying to make paragraphs today.




Sunday, May 3, 2020

contents unavailable


Woke up from a dream about Walter Cronkite. Not a clue where that even came from, but he'd have been around in the past life I think I had before this one.

One of the articles I read before meeting my new psychiatrist said to expect that level of interaction to heighten a depressive episode afterward. Boy, they weren't kidding. However, it's been very interesting watching Pinky and Jacky shuffling back and forth since then. At least it's not outright sabotage any more. I think the honesty is helping tremendously.

Finally dealing for real with dissociative disorder. All these years, alone with myself in pieces, and it took this long to get someone to discuss it with me, partly because so much of it was hidden from myself for so long. Imagine living like that all your life and no one you know even questions it.

I'm still here. I was very thoroughly questioned again about suicide and self harm. It's been a group effort inside my head stopping the sabotage every single day.



Friday, May 1, 2020

Q and Cicada, perhaps


That is a picture of my TV, zoomed in on wall decor in the Capitol during the last Hunger Games movie just before the building was destroyed. To me it looks like covid with the black cube of Saturn in the center.


And that is the black cube itself on the Capitol lawn in one of the earlier movies.

I've brought up black cube before, several posts back. Other people I've run into are noticing covid 'art' in other older films, as well.

I'm having weird dreams again. I used to have laundry nightmares that I've shared on other blogs here and there. Last night I was trying to sort worn uniforms into laundry piles in a fast food restaurant and I kept fussing at my coworkers to stop kicking them under the furniture and equipment. The uniforms were colorful heavy crushed velvet, very expensive. Maybe I've rewatched a little too much Effie Trinket lately.

Stripes and dots. Have you ever noticed that all decor boils down to stripes and dots, and mixes and variations thereof? Like, paisley is very elaborate dots. Wavy lines are still stripes. Dots and stripes can be arranged into infinite patterns.

I've been noticing for a long time that the very numerous things all around us can be sifted down into a scant handful of categories or subsets. Once you can see that in all the patterns, it's almost like seeing how to walk through walls.

Very few people know how to do this. I'll think someone is brilliant about an idea, and eventually figure out they didn't realize the full potential of that idea at all, and I feel stunned that they missed seeing what I did. I assume everyone around me can see what I can, the way I can, and when I get excited to talk they fall flat and don't get it.

For instance, 2 or 3 years ago I was deep digging and wondered if Q either sprang directly from or hijacked the Cicada game.




People forget things so quickly, even when they are very smart. As soon as Q established being 17, I instantly thought Cicada.

I don't have the kind of brain that decrypts riddles, but I do see more easily than some others how patterns emerge. I'm very good with patterns.

It's nearly cicada season. Q says it's going to be a hot summer. I live in the heart of midwest cicada country, so I'm very familiar with them. Maybe we should be taking this literally to get some deep dig info.


See that? Brood IX will hatch this year in states where big bases and alphabet buildings are located.



17 is a very important number with Q and our current POTUS. One anon was noticing how many family members and past associates had been born on the 17th of their birth months. Things like that.

Maybe we need to learn where these cicada broods are typically located. Looks to me like some agencies will be getting swarmed.

Back to the black cube, let's make a leap and possibly a conjecture.


In the next bit, note that a 3D cube can be made out of a hexagon.



Now let's tie that black cube and 17 together.


This is the year that the cabal goes down, per this POTUS administration.

This is the year cicadas swarm the black cube, per symbolism.

Just like in Hunger Games.

They stormed the Capitol.

You can leap to every imagery and pun and take that where you please. I honestly don't know if there is a connection between Q and Cicada, but Q says there are no coincidences.

In the event Brood IX means anything...