-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero at PinkyGuerrero, Pinky, Janika, Basically Clueless & this blog PinkFeldspar, in that order.
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Wednesday, September 23, 2020

pretend you're actually really *smart*

I dreamed the minecraft server I techmod on was as big as a small state and very physically real. As a techmod I could do the usual staff stuff, like you only had to think "vanish" to go invisible, or "spectator" to be able to go into gamemode 3 which is a spectator mode where you can go through anything like it's not solid. Every command was done through thought, which I found really tricky because I couldn't seem to trust that it had really worked and kept popping back out as visible to the naughty players I was told to watch.

The rest of the staff was there, too, in and out, and we were having a huge problem with a gang of players all from the same family. They loved finding game servers to start wrecking up, and they were certainly wrecking an island resort with all kinds of looting and fire damage. (I guess the griefdefender plugin didn't work in 3D? lol) The damage was real enough to cause real harm and/or death, even as staff, so we had to be very careful and extra vigilant and sneaky working out how to apprehend these players without further harm or damage and properly process them out back out of the server without actually killing them.

I think this is brain melt from watching the riots being phone recorded the last 3 months while the 'news' sits on their butts saying 'peaceful protest', and hanging out with the qanons who have insider info about the NSA has everything on phone locations and their content, white hat undercover plants in the riot organizers sifting out who the real terrorists are committing actual insurrection, and the valid arrests that have come with the price of unreported white hat deaths.

So instead of 'most wanted' posters with dollar values on mug shots, what we're living with now is bail having to be raised to $1M just to keep repeat rape and murder offenders from being turned loose again and a single donation of half a billion $$ being given to the Biden campaign to keep this weirdness going.

Ranking the Most Influential Democratic Donors in the 2020 Race

Anyway, tense dream, I was about the klutziest staff ever and kept screwing up the commands and wound up making the surveillance take longer.

I finally made it through 👉 David's last live stream 👈, and all I can say is the honest kindheartedness coming from that man starting around 3:34:00 through about 3:45:ish or longer was emotionally devastating. It hit me hard the actual toll this is taking on both sides, the cruelty amongst the thieves eating their own, the soul crush hearing him beg O to take the deal from the white hats. Honestly, it's probably too late for that.

If I were a bad guy, there is no way I'd keep my mouth shut and take the fall for anyone who could still be free if I weren't. I can see keeping my mouth shut as a good guy even if everything was going wrong and people were dying for it because it would keep a Plan intact to keep it quiet, but to take that kind of hit for greediness? Hell, no. All those billionaires out there playing this ugly game with expendable people and economy crashing so they can win control over the whole world, and all the blind sheep with their faces covered in leprosy shame bleating about how they gotta help the billionaires 'win'. Do you guys still not see at what cost?

You don't gain anything if you lose your soul doing it. Whether you even believe in a soul or not is beside the point. If you are still out there thinking a SIDE is right, you are so brainwashed there may be no hope for you. Every side has good guys and bad guys. This isn't about sides. It's about whether you will keep allowing EVIL to reign over your lives. Evil are people who not only look the other way when atrocities happen (and they are likely being paid off to do that), but also allow it to happen to the most innocent who feel trapped with no way to escape or fend for themselves.

Book of Amos

They hate the one who rebukes in the gate, and they abhor the one who speaks uprightly. Therefore, because you tread down the poor and take grain taxes from him, though you have built houses of hewn stone, yet you shall not dwell in them; you have planted pleasant vineyards, but you shall not drink wine from them. For I know your manifold transgressions and your mighty sins. You afflict the just and take bribes; you divert the poor from justice at the gate. Therefore the prudent keep silent at that time, for it is an evil time.

Woe to you who put off the day of doom, who cause the seat of violence to come near; who lie on beds of ivory, stretch out on your couches, eat lambs from the flock (rape children, etc) and calves from the midst of the stall (child slavery, bondage); who chant to the sound of stringed instruments, and invent for yourselves musical instruments (live stream concerts) like David (wealthy elitists); who drink wine from bowls, and anoint yourselves with the best ointments, but are not grieved for the affliction of Joseph (commoners).

Therefore they shall now go captive as the first of the captives, and those who recline at banquets (as opposed to those who cannot sleep) shall be removed. The Lord God has sworn by Himself, the Lord God of hosts says: "I abhor the pride of Jacob, and hate his palaces; and therefore I will deliver up the city and all that is in it."

I've been very curious how those of faiths are justifying the whole covid-riot thing to themselves. When all a person can see is discontent and citizen abuses because that is all they are shown on a TV screen, how gullible are they with their faiths? How trusting are people of the wolves that devour them with indecencies, lies, and tricks? How do people choose to give their livelihoods to the State over the rightness of their faiths? Or perhaps their faith leaders lulled their minds and led them to this point of being so docile that they can no longer rebel against what is obvious right in front of them, that children are raped continually in parishes and temples across the nation and the faith leaders kept holding the faiths together in spite of it. And that, my friends, is a minor offence compared to what you refuse to open your eyes to and see unless it is in the form of entertainment on television and streaming devices.

I have been sharing, for nearly 3 years now, valid links to hard sources (many of them removed by technocratic giants by now) of truly abhorrant crimes against humanity embedded in our everyday lives, mocking our 'intelligence', and shoving more entertainment into us like Hansel and Gretel.

A few of you very quietly watch everything I do and almost immediately jump onto all the links. I will never out you, but thank you for sharing what I share, the links that matter. I don't care about sourcing back to me. I'm so beyond any of that now in this information war, all I care about is getting this information out.

I put this onto social medias today. In the old days we called this 'chatter'. Most of you don't remember the old wars that were updated daily on nightly news broadcasts, complete with death counts (like covid, lol, as if this were a war... 👀)

I realize some of us truly don't have the time to look for this information when we have jobs and kids and now homeschooling because of covid shutting some schools down again. However, if you are still coasting on the idea that you don't need to really know this stuff, or that this is more like a hobby on the side, or you can't really affect change of your own so it doesn't matter, then you need to realize that you are still not awake. Those who know don't sleep. If you are still shutting down people trying to share what reality is because you love your sleep too much,  you are complicit. You are part of the coverup. There is no neutral in this. If you think you can sit out this Great Awakening on the principle that it's really not your stuff, then you are not on the side of right and good. You are the sort who will allow infection to keep festering by looking away. And if you are pretending to go along for the sake of a career, for the idea that you can slide by and hold whatever you built together amidst the wreckage around you, beware that you are still doing lip service to evil while you pretend it's ok because you're still a good person behind that. If you still haven't realized yet that this is a world-ending purge for a 'side' and you keep supporting that 'side', you will wind up standing out like a sore idiotic thumb when it finally all goes down.

I'm not saying that to be obnoxious. I'm saying that because it's utterly sad that you don't yet grasp that 'pedophilia' is a cover for normalizing sanctioned crimes against humanity by elitists, and by not standing up to it you are NOT condemning it at all. You are saying they may continue to commit crimes against humanity as long as it's not affecting you.

Did you guys miss Hollywood burning last year?

How's it going this year?

And of course, authorities have been catching paid arsonists all up and down the west coast across the seaboard states, but oddly, those fires seem to stop at the Canadian border. 🤔 And before you jump on who's to blame, we already know that the terrorists (disregarding human safety and property) all summer have been well funded by a particular billionaire's massive organizations as part of the ongoing support for *gasp* a Left presidential campaign.

Why the hell are they even doing this???

Wake the f* up, guys. I know I say take breaks, but I'm talking to people beaten down and exhausted by the rhetoric. If you truly want to know what is really going on, dig for it. Put the work in.

Tuesday, September 22, 2020


click meme to go to original stock photo
find release info 👉 here 👈

I want to talk to a female psychologist about my stuff. I want a fresh perspective and feedback on the revelations exploding my brain. I specifically asked for a referral to a female psychologist this summer but it so badly lacked insight that I just facepalmed and shook my head. I'm dealing with finally processing a stack of traumas that keeps me fighting falling back into alcohol and self medicating, and I need a literal building change if I want to fully unlock. I'm so close. So I went on research sprees. I found other network services, other people. It's difficult sifting down what I need to where I need it, when I need it, whether I'd even be accepted as a new patient. Ran into an impossibly perfect person this morning, couldn't believe my eyes, someone my age, my gender, even my kind of religious philosophy background (also emancipated, like me), and I was all oh thank goodness. And then I read her blog. 😑 And again, I see another person who has fallen into the national narrative, and all roads lead to BLM. Seriously? I grew up in the most diverse area in the entire country, and I was the lowest rung on the social ladder in my school. Literally a few miles from a reservation, literally bussed around during the 1970s desegregation. I was picked on and even physically attacked by race gangs at school, and the last thing I need working on my personal issues is someone who wants to help me properly own my privilege. 


I'm a dry alcoholic with occasional thoughts of suicide and a pile of traumas and my mental health is being stuffed into an Orwellian all-inclusive world guilt trip by everyone I can find. It's like the entire mental health field is stepping up becoming part of the narrative. 

As someone with a bachelor of science degree in sociology and studies in social psychology, this is where I butt heads with psychology.

If media is televising the revolution, it's not a revolution. It's a narrative. I facepalm every time I run into 'professionals' who cannot think outside that box if their lives depended on it.

Think- If 'white privilege' must be challenged, ask yourself why it was the media narrative for so long. It's media that needs changing. The rest will follow. This whole burning and rioting crap is orchestrated political ends justifying the means. To fall into the trap of self application is paramount to checking your brain at the door of the koolaid conspiracies. Once inside the loop, you cannot logically extricate. You absolutely cannot understand the outside of the box while you are inside the box. I've lived long enough to see other countries go through this in my lifetime, this is all familiar. This is how regimes are overthrown. To blanket a nation's mental health industry (because it really is literally just another industry umbrellaed under big pharma, isn't it) in such an open way is one of the scariest things I've seen, bar none. They're not even trying to hide it any more.

In other concerns, I can't tell if a person presenting in stats is self obsessed with their own media presence in the shadow of someone else's or, super long shot, an actual person in an unexpected area and strictly controlled public info. I was actually trying to dig up specific stats on another person with all kinds of blog property verification fail and just ran into that.

Nothing. I'm not really stalking a stalker. Go back to sleep.

😂 omg, this is bad. Click for a page full of memes.

Wow, no one has ever done an Eobard Thawne fanvid set to Paralyzer. That's incredible. Eobard is the ultimate stalker, you know.

Well, I'm not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I wanna make you move
Because you're standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You'll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

I mean, they do things like S&M, you'd think they'd do a Paralyzer. This only has 16 views at the moment.

This was cute.

Ok, back to my own channel. I can't believe this playlist is already getting views. Somebody out there likes it, crack me up. 😂 I need to stop wasting time and go get busy. Laterz.

Monday, September 21, 2020

click pic


click pic for know your meme  history
"In this moment I am Euphoric"
Scroll to the bottom of this post for juicy gossip

:36 hours ago: I think this is my first euphoric (hypomanic) episode without any med support since 2013. It's like pouring a pot of coffee right into my eyeballs. I've lost enough sleep this week to feel like there's a newborn in the house again, possibly twins, and I'm still wired to the gills. I seem to do this at the beginning of every autumn when the daily temp drops from hot down into the 70s. Interesting. 🤔


:27 hours ago: Even though I got an hour and a half of sleep last night, I'm wide awake tonight. I have gotten so much stuff done today.


Had a sideways convo with Claudia this morning. I've not really understood how or why she's mean. I think I know now. I'll relate something I know first.

We had a foster sister sort of around my age but looked more grown up, much more developed and a bit of a socialite with boys. I was ok with her most of the time. One day she came to me privately, pretty much crying on my shoulder like I hadn't seen before. She usually handled things her own wily way, so it was different seeing her lose it. My dad had 'beat' her. I asked her what she did, because Dad always had a reason or a trigger. She said my brother, who was much younger, pointed his BB rifle at her so she grabbed it and broke the gun over his head or something, then she said he ran off crying to tell on her, and then my dad came and found her and hit her. I simply said don't hurt my brother and he won't do that any more. I let her cry on me until she felt better and we never mentioned it again.

Let's summarize. My dad hit a young woman for defending herself from a boy pointing a gun at her.

Claudia reminded me of that today, I had forgotten, probably because, as I'm coming to realize now, Claudia was always the one present for the rough stuff. The puppy killing. The time dad beat me for accidentally hitting my brother in the head with a little rock. I was a young girl and he held me down tight and beat me with his fists. Today I realized that is what he did to my foster sister, as well.

Imagine never seeing your dad ever hit another adult, but growing up seeing him slug a fear crazed sheep into complete compliance while he was shearing, or nearly beating a dog to death because it ran a chicken down and chewed it up. And from my own experiences, he beat at least one kid and at least one young woman.

A year ago on October 1st I wrote being sad, and sadnesses, and a life of sad on my Basically Clueless blog that I started shortly before I found out my dad was dying. (:edit: To be clear, I wasn't sad my dad was dying.)

It's really interesting how 'the kids' are getting hold of me and letting me know things now. We seem to share in a very unique and interesting way.

Is it beginning to become apparent why I might have fragmented a few times through my childhood? Some of the memories go back to around one or two.

My dad was not a 'bad' man. I do believe, though, that he himself was broken as a child, and that he either never figured it out or simply just could never talk about it. All we know is that his father was considered by everyone to be exceptionally mean. I think the only way my dad was able to cope with the blaring conflicts was to devote his life to bible studies and his weird brand of philosophy of religion.

The fastest path to complete world healing in the shortest time frame is stop being mean. But how do we wake people up to the fact that they have been programmed to be mean and perpetuate this cycle of profound internal pain that we all keep locked away?

Kindness is logical.

Unrelated but I copied this a couple days ago to keep sharing in case the original I found disappeared. It's already got 100 views without even linking it anywhere. Jim Caviezel is a real hero to qanons because he is not afraid to stand up and take the slings and arrows. 


Juicy gossip 

First of all, last Tuesday was Felt Hat Day.

Who is this woman??? What is she doing? You're guess is as good as mine.

But someone knows something. I'm pretty sure this means key media assets, not all famous people in general.

Rumors are flying, and I don't know who any of these people are. Click the next snip for the craziest gossip you ever saw.

Don't get scared when things look scary. Keep finding wonderful things to do and think and this will all pass. It's ok to unplug from the the rhetoric and create your own peace. 💗


I'm going to tack this on because it's important to understanding how grueling watching TV is for me sometimes. I honestly watch very little TV, sometimes takes me years to jump on board something trending, then I come in late and immerse in ways that feel like drowning. This happens across the board and I have no warning when it's going to happen. Everything gets weird and then I recluse and no one knows what to do with me. It's really hard being honest when one's entire childhood is about not telling the truth, about stuffing down the obvious to play head games, about creating fantasy worlds that make life bearable. I see this across all fandoms, major displacement options like being in a candy shop for neurotics. Television is the strongest drug in the world, and we all fall into that magic screen sooner or later. Some of us, like Alice, find our way to independent thinking and figure out the meanings in our hidden truths, because is that not what psychedelics are for?

Claudia has very strongly responded to Sherloque on The Flash as a not father figure who is figuring out how a double of his is playing a surrogate father figure for a father who is having problems establishing a relationship with her, via Nora's diary.

The rest of us anticipating trubba...

For those of you who actually know my history with my dad dragging me out of the hospital after a nasty car wreck, the neck brace shot in this vid suddenly jolted me so hard the first time I saw it that I felt like I got shocked. Claudia was pissed.

From 3-23-13  

fans of any show know that the characters and events that happen in a show can become symbolic of personal stuff, and as we displace our emotions into the stories, we unconsciously learn to deal with our own stuff. Stories give us situations to think about, characters give us relationships to relate to. As we become more involved in a show, we become more emotionally invested.

Saturday, September 19, 2020

disengaged eyes

This is hard to write.

Masking and seeing others masked has been extremely destructive in my mind. I couldn't put my finger on it for a long time. I played along and wore masks when I had to, and I didn't have panic attacks or anything, but something kept eating at me. Masking gets me very angry and I wasn't sure what to do with that or where it's coming from.

We all know what an absent stare is. We can see by someone's eyes when they are disengaged, staring off at the sky or a wall or something while their mind is somewhere else. We understand disengaging, but we don't like it when someone looks at or talks to us with blank stares. It's creepy. That's why it's used in scary movies and stuff. That blank stare does things to our minds.

Imagine a blank face. All you can see is eyes (unless sunglasses are on), but there is no face. That's a nightmare. When we see a completely skinned over face in a show with no mouth or nose, it's terrifying. It's not funny. It makes us feel uncomfortable.

Imagine having prosopagnosia. Imagine not being able to categorize people into familiar memory slots because everything on their faces is so interchangeable in your mind. Imagine not being able to remember what someone's face looks like when you aren't looking at them and that is the way you live your life. Imagine someone removing their mask and their face is gone.

I've often brought up nightmares with my psychologist. One of my most memorable nightmares from years ago was vividly seeing a person's face ripped off by a whale on a beach, and all the couples strolling in the moonlight casually looking away while I stood there in horror watching someone trapped and about to be killed, and the skin on their face was just gone.

I have prosopagnosia. Imagine what masking does to my psyche.

Masks sometimes make people sound like they are having a hard time talking, to me it sounds like they are practically chewing on their masks. It bothers me very badly and I want them to take their masks off so bad I can hardly stand it. I feel almost like I'm going to lose control and reach out and pull masks off when I'm out, like it's an impulse to rescue faces. Imagine if we kept dogs and cats in masks all day. We'd feel sorry for them. That's how I feel about people.

It's a wonder I don't have panic attacks. Masks are like hands over our mouths. My dad put his hand over my mouth and nose a few times to make me calm down when I was having meltdowns. I couldn't breathe at all and he wouldn't release me until I started going limp. I'd be so starved for air that I'd be thrilled to just crawl away.

One time he smothered me. He blew in me to wake me up.

Imagine having those memories coming back over and over when you wear a mask.

I have no idea how I've not yet had a full blown panic attack wearing a mask or not yet reached out and grabbed masks off people. The compulsion is real.

Tonight I saw a tik tok of a baby ward in a hospital. All the newborns were wearing face shields and properly distanced from each other. Is this not abuse? Isn't it bad enough that new mommies might not know how to cuddle their children and now they're being taught to face shield their newborns? Human psychological health depends on human closeness and lots of touching, especially with newborns.

What the mask mandates are doing to us is beyond reprehensible. The politics of masking is psychologically abusive. The technocracy deleting videos and links to researches about the truth of masking is beyond reprehensible. The elitist power to command docile subjugation to the neglect of human psychological needs is criminally abusive.

I'm not going to argue numbers. Everyone knows we didn't have a massive die off except in places like nursing homes where immunity challenged persons were crowded together.

I'm just saying the psychological impact might not be apparent on the surface to you guys, but it's haunting me in ways that you'd find very disturbing.

I feel like we are being taught how to become more mentally ill, more psychologically dependent on a nanny state, more addicted to substance and medication abuses, more broken by depression. All it takes is a mask.

Imagine trying to remember faces and all you see is a mask because faces have become disengaged from our human response comms.

Creepy Tom, Part 2 (400 Days)

Had a quick 5 minutes this morning before sunrise and making weekend breakfast, so here we go with another slow creep through Creepy Tom. Quick catch up. At this point we're getting visual clues how the people in the possibly displaced ghost town are surviving as Theo is lurking around in the diner kitchen.

There you go, this kind of nails what's really going on. But remember, at this point we still don't know if this is part of the role play for the 400 days of experimental psychological stress survival. This could all be a set up.

Right after that scene, Theo turned a corner and accidentally ran into a cook with a knife and she was so shocked that it slid right into him that she gasped how sorry she was and fled. So- still part of the role play and they're supposed to just stay in character? It apparently wasn't a fatal wound.

The tension ramps up as we get confirmation that Zell does appear to be the ringleader of the surviving town folk. Remember, Zell didn't originally own the diner, but pretends to now with a woman he calls his wife who says she's not his wife. He's obviously the meanest one in town to be this controlling in a really bad survival situation.

And we get what looks like up close confirmation about how weird this situation is, a seeming ghost town somehow scooped up onto the moon or walled off and made to look like it's on the moon or whatever. Psychologically upsetting enough and then you add in the danger of possibly being hunted as food.

Crapola, Zell has found their 'ship' entrance. Remember, the experiment is underground in a bunker made to mimic being inside a spaceship.

Crappy zoom, lol. Sorry about all the blue, but phones do that unless you really get into the camera settings. I'm lazy. He's not really blue on the DVD.

Inside the 'ship', the hunt begins in earnest. By the way, this is the first we see Zell in this bomber jacket, in all the previous scenes before the hunt started, he's in a muscle shirt. We have earlier indications that it's chilly 'outside', but in the diner I'm guessing the kitchen stoves kept the building a little warmer. They're pretty consistent with their believable effects in this movie. The bomber looks a little big on Zell (Tom is 6 feet tall), so whoever it belonged to was conceivably allegedly (by insinuation as we continue viewing) dragged down by the hunt club Zell started. Visual cues like this lend loads to quality filming.

Like a bloodhound, methodical, quiet, patient.

Maybe a little malnourished, and we already suspect slight oxygen deprivation. Probably very hungry and bored enough from months of stale living to completely immerse and invest himself into this hunt. If this is still role play for the 400 day experiment, it's really good role play since the targets aren't even in sight.

And he's enjoying this a bit.

If you feel intrigued by filming but never took classes and don't have the time for online researching other people's film studies, you can play with this on your own tech while you watch TV. When I started my own film study blog years ago (original site started 2005), I started with a crap phone and a crap TV. Tech is so much better nowadays, phones and TVs are now higher quality at cheaper prices that we ever had in the past, making this really easy. Everything being digital means you can take 100 screenshots and see them instantly and then delete them out of your way just as quickly.

Also on your phone, most of you will have editing options. If a scene is being ornery, you can do upright or portrait shots, then trim out any excess. Sometimes films are atrociously obnoxious for tech-to-tech screenshotting between the fast cutaway scenes, the weird TV glow, the even weirder wavy light lines that we don't see with our eyes during regular TV watching, and however cantankerous your phone settings might be. I used to really fight with it, now I'm just meh. If you want a perfect screenshot, you need DVD player software in an HD laptop and then screencap controls on the side. I used to do that, it was wonderful, and then W10 decided I need to pay for DVD software to access the built in DVD player and I was like you turds...- NO. I refuse. 😂😂😂 So I'm slinging out crap phone shots. 😁 I have the money, I'm just stubborn that way. Rebellious. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

Film studies can include set design, makeup and costuming, actor spotting, storyboarding, and any number of specific interest focus items, whatever you feel drawn to. The easiest way to do film studies at home is to simply watch a film and point your phone at the TV and take pictures. You can use the pause button to freeze and advance frame by frame for fast cutaway scenes, which are often so fast that your mind sees faster than your eyes and you only saw something for a split second. It's amazing what the brain can pick up while we watch TV. Having used frame advance across hundreds of films over nearly two decades, I've been amazed how cleverly stories can meld into our minds with the most fleeting insinuations in backgrounds, the tiniest clues on costuming. We are all brain trained to pick things up so quickly now that we become bored with 'slow' films sharing very little actual interpretive information. We are media encultured to respond to visual cues we don't even know we see.

Yes, I wrestled my tech over this one.

Having said that, I don't believe there is anything sinister behind 400 Days as a film entity. 😂 I'm not a film conspiracy theorist, for the most part. I just point out what I find in my own film studies.

Since we are doing a Creepy Tom watch, we're focusing on the character Zell almost exclusively in this writeup, so if you want to know more about this particular movie, search for 400 Days online and find reviews. I'm not here to do a recap or review of the whole movie right now. I'm also not here to grade Tom's work, simply to enjoy it. 😊 If you guys want to use these screencaps for anything, I'm fine with it, I don't care whether you source or link back or not because it's not really my material. I just snapped pix of my TV on my phone. See the disclaimer in my previous post for fair use in film studies.

Sorry that's all I got today, kind of doing things on the run when I get the chance. 💟 I'll hopefully get this done over the next couple days.