-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero at PinkyGuerrero, Pinky, Janika, Basically Clueless & this blog PinkFeldspar, Living in Mirkwood (deleted), and a leaf blowing by in that order.
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Monday, May 9, 2022

Pinky grit


Watching on repeat while I scroll my finger into a charley horse through my suspended Pinky twit looking for something months ago... They blocked me from my own search function. 

 

Thursday, April 28, 2022

pointer

Hi guys ๐Ÿ˜Š 

Some of you seem to be checking on me, so I'll just say now I am on a new blog that I'm not going to delete like the last one, this one has gotten kind of big and harder to search so it's going to sit here like an archive.

Hope you are having a great day, thanks for stopping by. ๐Ÿงก๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’—

Monday, April 18, 2022

have you seen her

The coolest thing about that pic is it's the first time in the whole history of owning this little bitty laptop that I've seen a total lack of anything clickable from microsoft on the screen. Every opening pic always has all kinds of stuff all over it, especially a thing to click where the pic comes from. It's also more like my area of the country instead of some odd random locale from anywhere else on the planet. I really like it.

I think a whole lot of stuff is finally settling down. I was coming off 6 weeks of back to back to back viruses when I lost Pinky twitter, and then by end of Feb I was sliding into a head mess that I've already addressed, then coming out of that wound up back in very challenging physical therapy that put me back on meds to deal, but NOW it's all starting to smooth out.

In the background of my mind has been a running argument about whether to leap to another blog, but the disagreements among my fractures over that has been so hostile that a several blogs got deleted and a new private one started that is just sitting there. I'm not sure what exactly blew apart, but we can't seem to agree to disagree and move on. Whatever the blog issue is, I think it has everything to do with losing Pinky twitter and not doing any minecraft at all and everything else seems to be oscillations of sulking, throwing things (not literally), attempts at negotiations and resulting coercions, and I'm feeling shoved around and left out of loops and generally dumped on.

I think it really rattled me to nearly lose my daughter last summer. She came so close. Minutes, according to the surgeon. I made the decision to go into emotional shutdown and step up and handle a lot of stuff, and once Christmas was over and I laid in bed sick for weeks, I started processing the delayed response stuff.

I need to notate that this is the first time probably ever in my entire life that all my fractures agreed on the emotional shutdown and didn't fight for control at all, all my memories from last summer up through winter holidays are intact, and now we're all actively actually sharing space while we are dealing with delayed processing. I have lost a little time this month, suddenly a week was gone and I didn't get Easter cards out that I had ready, nothing bad but still a little aggravating. I have lost a few things that I'm apparently moving around. One day I went into a hard meltdown because it was so bad I couldn't even just cook a meal, and I've been cooking since I was a child. I think Pinky finally just stepped up and took over, and it seemed like the problem was that the 'kids' were in the way and didn't know how to do stuff. I haven't been that confused in a long time.

To wit, autism + bipolar + dissociated + delayed processing + lengthy illness + yearly grieving + fairly severe pain crisis starting up... Can I just say how proud I am of all of us for not breaking the internet yet? Not alienating anyone that I am aware? Not exploding bridges and leaving burning wreckage as I walk away?

I really don't know how Scott does it. He's handling his own cancer and my meltdown this last week. If anyone is feeling anything negative from me in the force lately or even the last 3 months, it's all brain chemicals. I know there are people out there on the twits claiming that understanding how the matrix works heals us and whatever, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing just fine, all things considering.

I know I came back for the info/matrix war. I've known all my life I'm back to do something. I know things that I shouldn't be able to know. I know I'm getting all kinds of help and support that no one else sees or knows about. I know I'm shown things for reasons and one of the reasons is I'm not afraid or intimidated to share. I've been sharing dreams and stuff for years. I've been hinting at more stuff for years. But today I finally just let it out on twitter. I know I'm on a team, I've known most of my life that I'm incognito so they can't find me because I was someone who caused a LOT of trouble for them before. I've been in and out of this for a number of 'lifetimes', whatever those really are. I've timeline hopped many many times. Maybe that's all why I feel crazy now, I don't know. I just know I've been very active in all this for a long time somehow, I have way too many memories that aren't this life at all, and I chose this really hard life on purpose for the best personal growth possible. I am pretty sure that dream I had as a kid about the Eyes that forced me to look back were activating me, and that had to be prearranged. I didn't understand that for so long, but so much stuff has been clicking the last couple months that everything is making loads of sense now.

I Remember.

And I'm going to say again, if I can get this far in a mind broken in so many ways and a body that's been through a lifelong grinder, you guys do not need to wait for any kind of permission or process to talk directly to God (Source) and start remembering yourselves. All you need to do is look inside yourself, find that peace that is inside all of us, and find your truth. Whatever you are being sold on about pineal glands and food frequencies and all that other stuff (I'm not against them or saying they're dismissable), just know that the One who made us and all of this around us that is miraculous and natural is in no way inhibited from speaking directly with his/her/its own creation. As a point of fact, I would think it's when we are our most broken that this direct contact is the easiest and most valuable. We are not alone.

I'm not sure exactly where my head was at the time, but a person was a turning point in solidifying a lot of things for me, and all I can keep saying in my head is thankyouthankyouthankyou. That pivotal point spun me through so many open doorways that I still feel like I'm flying and never coming back down. I may be an oddball in real life that plays weird games on twitter, but underneath the skidding around allthethings is a very quiet very thoughtful witness appreciating depths of vision. Sometimes it just takes a rare key turning a lock.

In the meantime, I reconned this blog one day, didn't realize it's 2 years old already. I made such huge personal progress on this blog that I feel like I can walk away any time now and be ok. One suggestion I put up on the wall in my head was maybe we could go back to minecraft before we worry about starting a new blog, and the hubbub settled down almost immediately. So now that I'm feeling a little better, I think maybe I'll work out a syllabus for the rest of spring and summer so that we can take turns relieving a little stress on minecraft and stop being on twitter so much. Not sure if anyone notices or can tell that different mes play on twitter, sometimes it's all I can do to keep a thread intact. We need more cooperation and real life. Twitter isn't exactly helping with that.

I don't know if this gift was meant for me, but it makes me feel good and it's magical. I want to share a very special day I had on twitter in an upcoming post.