-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero at PinkyGuerrero, Pinky, Janika, Basically Clueless & this blog PinkFeldspar, in that order.
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Friday, July 31, 2020

woke nerves




Finally got my pinterest mess cleaned up, sorry that took so long. Accidentally had 3 accounts at one point trying to get both my accounts properly logged in between 2 devices, and then I discovered how long I left outdated info hanging. The second account showed up last summer or fall, I think, about the time I was blogging at Basically Clueless. Really messed up time for me. I don't suggest going over there at all, I was pretty much having a nervous breakdown and none of it was cute, more like the dark and dirty side of DID, if that is really what was happening. It got so bad that one of my sisters suggested staying away while Dad was dying. I was a ticking time bomb.




I wish it had been that cute...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next day. Kinda rebounding from processing so much again so fast this week. Hard time wrapping my head around how in the world I muddled through so long. Actually, I have a fantastically kind husband and amazing kids, so their patience is 90% of how I made it this far.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another day gone by. Was talking with my sploit about Schumann resonance yesterday. I'm up and down like a yoyo sleeping this last week. These are from that article I linked.







Biophysics. We're all part of a bigger system. We move about through an electromagnetic soup that our brains can either sync to or suffer from. Sounds about right.

At any rate, I've been up through the night, consistently popping awake around 2:30 a.m., every night but one out of last 5-6 nights, and even though I can eventually get back to sleep, it's only for half to one hour. Starting to feel a bit drained, and we are keeping a sleepover kiddo tonight. 😂

I've got this running on roku like a screensaver, have a feeling I won't have a brain to plug in by the time kiddo arrives. This is about all I can take right now. I feel like I can't turn off some kind of weird unnoticeable vibration. I'm sure this med taper isn't helping.


Thursday, July 30, 2020

learning the comms

This is what we were told would be coming nearly 3 years ago about when arrests happen. Stay home out of the way where it's safe, and don't panic. Click snips to see or hear more.







It all makes sense when you connect the dots. Second largest hub for human trafficking in the U.S. There are no coincidences.







Wednesday, July 29, 2020

what if we are nothing but filters inside?



That shot was really tricky to filter because of all the shadows, but I managed to pull it through 13 filters before I finally decided it was impossible to go on. I had to go negative immediately and then flip it back after a few filters just to keep this much integrity.

Filtering is kind of what we do in real life keeping our stuff from showing. I mean, artistically, this feels like some of the ways I might go through filtering stuff in my head that is bothering me so I can keep it out of convos and off blogs. Since I literally have psychological filters that are apparently beyond my control, this feels like an exercise in metaphorically learning to see what I'm hiding from myself. Possible note of interest, I never started playing this little challenge till after my dad died.

A *lot* has been opening up in my head since then. This has been very different from Mom passing. Not going to make a list of differences.

One of my longest term filters in this life has been seeing my parents through a fail lens. I don't recall actually thinking they failed me or failed at life, but I judged very harshly without any kind of forgiveness model to walk me back from that. Filters have been falling off left and right since they died, which might be very eye opening to say since I have a literal left and right orientation between Jacky and Pinky. Jacky is on my left, Pinky is on my right. They each had their own perception filters, and I'm dealing with their individual filters. Same with the others. Ever since Dad died, the 'kids' have been butting in a little more but it's been far less invasive and more campy. I used to keep them locked in their rooms, but now they're out playing.

I literally have a family in my head.

It's occurring to me that in a left to right reading and writing society or culture, I go right to left with pinkybluejacky, which is my first pinterest address and also shows up here and there in blogging. Pinky is a lens filter over the Jacky lens. Jacky truly resents that. It works better when the lenses overlap only a little, like two circles overlapping in the middle, so that each is free to be their own outside of cooperating. I think that was what Pinky was negotiating for, that middle ground. Jacky couldn't seem to get that concept until Dad died. Pinky was practically having a nervous breakdown when she finally begged Jacky for a truce. No more baiting and switching, no more back stabbing, no more sabotage. No more fighting for control. More sharing. More discussion. More agreeing to terms and negotiations. More leniency. More forgiveness.

Years of fighting with myself every day for decades seems to be resolving. Each graciously steps back and allows the other. Switching has become less about grabbing control than about both seeing and feeling what's going on.

That's been really interesting. I can feel two points of view at the same time, and it no longer feels conflicted. It feels more like sharing space.

Not sure yet if we'll reach that with the others, but for now, it's been a relief long coming.

I've been following this channel for awhile, cracks me up. 😆


Tuesday, July 28, 2020

watching dragonflies dancing

Well, I guess it's a contest now. I have no idea whether to hand out stars to put on your foreheads or cringe because I mocked a possible hack team. Whatever the case, you guys rocked out everyone else popping in to see how it's going on the book.




All-time so far.




Pinky says hi




Told ya. On a bender. I'm not a Hallmark or Lifetime kind of TV watcher, but here I am, bawling my eyes out for the second day straight while I watch other people role play things I haven't yet processed through in my real life. Movie after movie, processing.

I once had to take a stress evaluation test in a college class and scored higher than everyone else. I was like up in the 90s, normal was something like below 20. Part of the evaluation was ticking boxes on a list of stressors, and I had ticked all but one. No one else in that class even ticked over half of those.

Stress is something I have always shoved to the side, practically from birth. My list of stressors has my PTSD evaluation surging into dangerous levels. I've spent my life shut down so I don't overdose or dramatically splat myself or zoom into some kind of deranged blitz of destroying everyone around me.

And I'm watching people dealing on TV.

I started a list once of basic stressors that have piled up all my life. The only thing not on that list, as far as I can remember (outside of anything military or war related), is childhood rape, although something in particular that I experienced at a very young age comes extremely close to that. The pain was horribly real. I often wonder about childhood traumas going through very painful medical procedures. Imagine the trauma of going through that at home, where you are supposed to be safe.

I think a lot of people go through things that we never talk about.

I'm always amazed how well people can talk things out on TV, how quickly a story can walk through the psychological maze. I feel like I grew up on a very different kind of planet than what I see on TV.

Taking stress tests online aren't that helpful. My scores aren't as bad as they used to be, but I'm still high enough to be within a defcon range. PTSD screening is better than stress screening online, a little more realistic but still inadequate in my opinion. I felt a little desperate last April, and although that level of tension has come down a bit as I've gotten through April and June a bit better this year than years previous, I can't even imagine what it's like without having very high levels of PTSD throughout one's life.

This is me cleaning off my second med this summer. The last of my cerebral cushioning, as it were. Long term low dose numbing buffers helping me control mood problems through high levels of pain. Welp, time to graduate. Years of work and the pain levels are finally down enough now to deal head on, and the assessment and maintenance I've learned through years of counseling are part my personal toolkit now. It's up to me to keep moving forward, resolving and reconciling, continuing to decide who I am and who I want to be.

Pinky has been elated lately. I can feel her in the background singing to Jacky. After so many years of fighting for control and struggling against frustrations, it's really cute to watch. Integration finally started through the spring, tentatively sticking out a toe, minor stand offs, practicing diplomacy with myself in my own head. At least we've reached a place where we can share a discussion and negotiate terms, even agree on a few things. Some things will probably always be a problem, but at least we're not fighting for control any more.

This has been a long time coming. I imagine most people don't go through this level of intensity when they say they can't make up their minds... 😂 If you're new to me, this.




I never expected integrating to feel like this. While other fans dream on, I'm just simply in my head getting to know myself. Pinky loves this song, and it makes Jacky happy to feel this from Pinky. I've never felt happy with myself before.

*cri* 😭 And then we both laugh. Pinky is silly.


:edit: As today's movie ends, I realize that we all need to take turns grieving, and so I go through the process all over again and again over time through 6-7 different points of view that I know of. No wonder this has been so hard.


want to play a game?



Click next for destination.



This is not a game.

Sunday, July 26, 2020

15 filters so far



Remember that time I took Robin Lord Taylor through 13 filters? I just put Tom through 15. The glasses are fake. I cartooned immediately and then posterized this at least 3 times in between the other filters. Here is the original if you're curious. I have filtered Harley Quinn (April 9) but I've never filtered Felicity Smoak. Maybe I'll do that another day. The game is to take it through as many filters as you can without losing integrity. It's like a phone sport when you're super bored.



*Desperately scrabbling for claw holds down that slippery Tom-Cavanagh-bender slope*

You know, like a super bored addict counting down to The Flash season 6 delivery.

Oh, nothing, just spent $75 bucks on designer mugs from Amazon. Star Labs, etc. And some movies... Because I'm bored...

😑

I've gotta make a work schedule.

You know, to be really fair, I'm ramping down off another med this summer and it's still only July.

Why am I not on minecraft, you ask. Because I'm surfing youtube.



timespace data packets

I dreamed last night that I was in a time team. There were lots of time teams all over the planet, three to four 'timers' in each group. Our minds were inserted thusly.

Hosts were preset with inoculations to receive incoming from another timespace (not the same as spacetime). Each inoculation contained a chip specifically coded to receive one of several incoming data packets. When the chip was activated, a very long single data stream would download into a preset bracketed area into the coding, like so [enter]. Some bracketed areas looked like ] [ or [[ ]] or something else, depending on the authority level of the incoming, which would activate specific areas of the chip for special ops need-to-know. Timers were lowest level in command units and streamed into [ ]. Each data stream was a quantum buffered memory chain (think some kind of blockchain) that could be sent in any direction in timespace into a new host, as long as it contained a keycode that matched a keycode in the inoculation chip. Each keycode was unique to each individual data stream, and that is how people were able to quantum time travel their consciousness into preexisting hosts.

Time teams were immediately vetted upon entry by two higher level greeters trained in role assignment and team coordination. Here timers would be given their instructions, usually very quickly and possibly even on the run, and then delivered to team captains (assigned) or team leaders (step ups) to complete missions.

Every timer was instructed upon arrival to do only as they were told, mission came first, and to immediately abandon compromised timers and regroup, only goal was to complete the mission at any cost. There were certain rules about timer group behaviors that were trained in before being streamed into timer hosts in order to save time, since timer groups could be breached in progress of data loads. Some timers would stream in and immediately start running for their lives. Terrain and generalized population maps were memorized before streaming in, although depending on the time streamed to, these could be useless. Weapons training, camouflage techniques, and team comms were all trained before streaming. Training happened in military units set up in citizen centers for volunteers.

Team captains and leaders would oversee a number of time teams, sometimes coordinating their missions. Time teams didn't necessarily need to report in unless mission fail was imminent, as too much was happening on too many levels to handle incoming reports. Each time team was expected to be able to complete their missions autonomously, relying only upon their training, mission instructions, and their own judgement. Time teams were expected to resolve problems, regroup, and carry on down to the last team member. Reporting in for mission fail was the only vital feedback, and it was not always possible due to ambushes from rogue teams and players.

Obviously, timespace was being used by rival ops, some to thwart white hat missions, some to recruit, some simply just went rogue. I got no other information in my dream about that.

My time team was ambushed at least three different times, our team captain was slain during a coordinated ambush, the greeters I'd met were both killed, and I think all this happened within about two days to maybe a week. This was a highly detailed very busy dream, which could be fleshed out into a science fiction thriller, but I don't have time for that.

The details about prepping for streaming over through timespace are best guess. I wasn't shown details, but had enough personal experience information during the dream to figure this out. Data streams from original volunteers were not the same as a human really traveling intact through time. We were detailed cognitive copies of human brain activity and function that would be able to survive the data streaming and then apply knowledge to decision making and taking action. Data streaming was one way and only expected to be a short burst of mission activity on the other end, which volunteers would not be able to personally experience. Data streams would become corrupt over very short periods of time, meaning they couldn't be stored and reused, so volunteers by the hundreds and thousands would show up to citizen centers for the military training and reaping of data packets to stream immediately through timespace.

Rogue groups on the far side had also obviously had access to this entire process and were thwarting missions, which meant that highly classified intel was being accessed via mole(s) and rigorously used against the white hat agenda.

Here is the really sad part of the dream. Although I experienced it first person, I cannot remember the mission my time team was given, or any of the other missions relating to ours. I do remember coordinating with other time teams, regrouping our ambushed time team into another team, being very aggressively ambushed with people being murdered right in front of me, the frenzy of escaping, being hunted, hiding, reassessing the mission, making contacts, reconstructing our missions from the scraps we had become, etc. I never thought about getting 'back' because I knew this was a one-off and I couldn't, so I didn't waste my time on it. I suspect many rogues were born from failed missions.

The activity on the far end was also obviously very dangerous and bloody. The hosts we were data streamed into were considered expendable, as were we. I don't recall discussions on ethics bringing up problems with this. My own data stream was a short jump into a future within my own lifetime that had obviously gone very wrong very quickly, nearly all vehicle traffic had been abandoned, large buildings stood derelict, it seemed most of the people could only thrive in small population centers that had gathered into buildings where electric power could still be maintained, and in the dizzy disorientation of culture shock, many of the survivors were playing out a grisly parody of continual party theme, drinking themselves into stupors while they were all dolled up ignoring the horrible calamities that must have happened outside. Our hosts were picked from among these, sobered up, and prepped for incoming. Other population outside of this was very sparse in between survivor buildings, and all human behavioral codes seemed abandoned. Natural order was gone, and all that survived was a nihilistic party gamer attitude.

I'm not sure what the overarching goal was behind the missions, but to go forward into fail could only mean recon and data retrieval on what had gone so horribly wrong. I suspect my time team's mission was infiltrating a high level government building in order to get into a protected internally networked computer system. I suspect the time teams were tasked with getting this system back up and running enough to compile data histories to relay back (somehow, I never found out if information could go the other way) so that revisions could be made on decisions going forward from origination.

It was obviously already too late to change the original fail. There was nothing set up at that point to data stream into, no inoculation chips coded to accept incoming data packets. The only comprehensible move was recon to find out what had gone wrong in order to insert fail-safes in the meantime between point A and point B in linear time. This would mean many time trips as fast as immediately possible in order to secure a crucial time point in which to establish a change that would preempt the complete fail of the original mission. The time teams involved would have to be extremely numerous for such a vast recon, especially with players going off mission and sabotaging time teams.

This seemed to be a very brutal time war with uncountable loops and resets that could only be managed by a very secure quantum artificial intelligence.

I have nothing else to add from here.


Saturday, July 25, 2020

random real life update stuff


Yes, I actually have an instagram I never link anywhere.


My The Flash rewatch is over, all 5 available seasons. Waiting on my prepaid 6th season to arrive next month. Bored out of my mind in between accomplishing things and meandering across streaming networks. Noticing I've seen Tom brushing his teeth in at least 3 different shows now, wondering if a diligent fan made a fansite devoted to Tom brushing his teeth, after running into so many other celebrity fansites devoted to various actor hairstyles, lengthy facial hair debates, sock collections, you name it, it's out there, but not for Tom. What is wrong with you people? Tumblr, you have failed this city! Well, at least you mentioned it in a gif sans actual toothbrush. Click the snip to see it and more.







Meanwhile, many other things. Yes, that's a real Lexx book going out live chapter by chapter. Thank you, Netherlands, for noticing before I even got it linked to medias. Soon as it was linked, France, Germany, and United Arab Emirates skidded in, and hello to the U.S. 💋 Canada, do not make me come after you. We'll see if you beat the UK.

Romania isn't bothered. They only recently started hammering the blog list originating from an usual entry point. Not a clue why. I guess one of them got curious.


*adding my Romania hits up*
1606.
And that's just blogger, I'm not even going to mess with wordpress.

No idea who Sebastian Stan is but he's popping up in search for 'Janika Banks Romania'.

Ok, here we go. And with this I legitimize the search field. You're welcome. Btw, Jefferson in Once Upon a Time, at least I've seen you in something.


Still not on my radar, to be honest. In all my years of live tweeting, I never once mentioned you.


Wow, that was a wandering off my path into a field, wasn't it? Where was I?

O.M.G.

Ok, Pinky and Captain America go way back. Perhaps Winter Soldier got caught up in the web caching fray somewhere. Ok, hi to Sebastian Stan fans crossing over to my Lexx world or something, maybe. Was weird how some of you slid in.

Seriously, refocus. What else was I going to update. Maybe I should power point so I won't wander off again.

*immediately forgets about powerpoint*

I'm getting pretty good at homemade spaghetti sauce. Got maters coming in from the garden now.



I really am working on a May post.





The rest of this post is extremely distasteful, but it is a documentation of something someone else was trying to share about something very sad before it was deleted. I myself, having been entrenched in entertainment blogging for years, was very upset to find a lot of this stuff out, and I feel terrible for everyone caught in that big mess. Everyone. I blame the deep state, shadow govt, whatever you want to call the highest elite on our planet that toys with running our nations, our economies, our health care systems, our 'freedoms', our debt loads, and our entire lives with their sick game of Risk. This goes even above names like Rothschilds. We don't know their names. They are *that* rich.

I do apologize, but for the love of God, if you aren't ready for your world to tip upside down yet, please just close this page. Sorry it spun out of control, but this stuff is imminent on the horizon of reveals now, and the disclosures have been withheld, for the most part, because Q deemed too many would not be able to handle it. It's just too sad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


This happened, a real person was actually admitted to psyche ward over political affiliation. You guys think this can't happen in America? Reconditioning has begun. My own psychologist also approached this with me as being a dangerous cult, despite my research showing that the 'leader' of this 'cult' was legitimately deconstructing international human and child sex trafficking rings and rescuing women and children by the tens of thousands all over the world with the help of an Alliance working together to take down the Deep States with NESARA law. Anyone who wants this 'cult' to stop needs to realize they are standing for the sanctioning of normalizing pedophilia and using children as commodities. Let that sink in for a bit. Click the snip to see the thread.



I've lost friends over this, so it's not going to bother me what any of you think. Believe what you will, it's all out there. Start digging. I didn't spend 2 1/2 years digging to shut up about it, and neither did the other millions of us all over the world coming together for truth.


Sorry if I sound defensive, just it really pissed me off that my intelligence and mental health comes into question over a party affiliation long after I keep reminding people I didn't vote for Trump.

Truth is the truth is the truth. If you guys knew what the rose stood for you'd throw up. (Think Plato's cave.)

The following account has been suspended but it still cached. I'm about to lay some on ya. I know some of you might hate on the messenger here, but I've been so sickened with real photos over the last 2 1/2 years that I absolutely do not care any more what anyone thinks of me. This shit is real, it's everywhere, and you not believing it won't change it. I didn't want to believe it, either. That's why I kept digging, to find the real conspiracy, who started this crap. You know what? This way of life is older than we all are. You will not understand it until you can wrap your brain around entertainment being a propaganda tool for the masses, and the shadow govts using that tool are also harvesting children for more profit than drugs and guns. Children are expendable, renewable resources for a highly sought prize, and that is the saddest thing our little blue planet has ever produced in all of human history.






Remember the visual of a queen bathing in the blood of virgins.

This next snip will click out to her tweet.





That meme on its own. I'm not the only one with a copy, all you have to do is search keywords and then click to images.



This next snip clicks out to the painting on instagram.









Acute drug withdrawal isn't cute. Adrenochrome is said to be the world's most potent drug.




Q told us to learn the comms....





I guess some of the links broke in the cache, or perhaps gifs.




I could name a couple scifi actors who suddenly died of really weird causes in the last few years that I think will one day be known as murder victims (unrelated to this next snip). In the meantime, you try to say anything, and it gets canceled out of existence. Imagine an AI algorithm so big it can cancel out you trying to say what you think about something shocking going on. Kinda like a mass lobotomy...



No one thinks to delete Urban Dictionary... Since I'm on that, here, go look up Rose there. Also have these lyrics to Adrenochrome Dreams. Now go look at these 'rose with blood' art depictions. Rose petals are blood drops



A-list actors are rewarded with really good drugs. Many of them are born into controlled families. Many of them are genetically related to other upper crust echalons, such as presidents. As I wrote in a breeze of change flicking the leaves, this is not a conspiracy any more.






This next snip clicks to the tweet.





If you actually made it this far, bless your hearts. 😭 I had a horrible time learning the comms, learning the players, learning the ropes. I cried for 3 months straight when I first started researching this stuff, and I couldn't sleep for months, I was so heartsick.

God bless the beasts and children.




Thursday, July 23, 2020

our stories


From the TV mini series Alice 


Yesterday got exciting, people losing their anon accounts. Fly under the radar, guys.



There are many ways to convey ideas. Though honestly, I'm very surprised FB still hasn't fired me from going against the grain there.




Don't just react. Create your narratives. Tell your stories. Show us reasons why you logically and legitimately come to your conclusions. I'm not saying you have to create years of blogs, but it helps to just simply share your point of view.

Start a thread on twitter. Drop the hashtags. Drop the keywords. Tell the world why you are sad about the world right now. Share your pain, your loss, your broken heart, and why you stand up against the darkness. What is the darkness in your point of view? Show us.

Lest anyone tell me to do it myself, I can easily point to years all over social medias doing this, and why it's crucial to stop the cruelty deeply embedded in our lives through entertainment and gaming, the justifications overarching through our education and media outlets, and the fear of stepping over the lines that keep us from speaking up.

It's your turn, anons. Tell us your stories.



Tuesday, July 21, 2020

broken timelines




When I was a kid we didn't have anything like internet. We had radios, bulky tape recorders, basic public television, shared land lines, and books.

I don't know how much my parents spent on the set of encyclopedias we had, but I pored over every single one for years. World information could be purchased in that stack of books and stored on a bookshelf and retrieved at any time, but it never changed once in print like that. We call it hard copy nowadays.

The internet changes. I have found people who document these changes, checking daily for updates to a variety of sites. Some updates are added information, some are more stringently corrected, some are reworded to change the tone, some get entire paragraph wipes.

Most people don't notice these things. Even the 'news' is corrected, line by line, word by word, sometimes until an entire document has so drastically changed that it doesn't look at all like the original publish. Most people don't pay that much attention, many people don't notice a sentence or paragraph changed or went missing, and usually people assume it's for the better when they do notice it. After all, knowledge is knowledge, right?

Some of us notice. Some keep track by screenshotting the public pages, some by screenshotting or copy/pasting the source code, some print out each new change as hard copy. Over time, some of us build libraries out of 'knowledge' changes.

If you are not the type of person to be this obsessed or concerned with minor changes over time, you probably think this is crazy. We all have busy lives, who has time to worry about a minor syntax change, much less the cumulative tiny revisions made over several years. What does it matter, right?

Gear switch, entertainment. How many people do you know who will pursue canon over fiction to the point of lengthy heated discussion over the course of a decade? I don't know about you, but I happen to know a lot of people like that. Every jot and tittle in a franchised approved movie or book will be thoroughly dissected and boundaried from a slew of fan fiction, or fanfic. (Yes, boundaried is a word.)

What is knowledge? What is shared knowledge? What is world knowledge?

Who decides what knowledge is?

Oh, this is fun. I didn't do this.



When I go check to see if it is really published.



And now it has updated while I was doing this. Is this a new thing with blogger? Each new draft is now timestamped while I'm working? Because this is not published yet.



How have I been using blogger since 2014 and not seen anything like that yet?

Ok, yep, every time I preview, that changes. Wow. That is really bothering me.

Remember that time I was trying to find a way back into drafts to find something I lost and wound up losing an entire page in one fell undo swoop? Yeah, woulda been nice to have timestamped drafts back then. I never did rewrite that page. I was too brokenhearted over the amount of time and emotional investment I'd put into it.

Ok, that was a big diversion, where was I. 

Knowledge is transient nowadays. People get into big fights on twitter, kinda like big brawl dog packs, because most people will fail to find more permanent actually sourced knowledge and just slay the heck out of anyone who simply doesn't agree with them. We have become that. We instantly dismiss or try to save people we don't agree with because they obviously don't have the right knowledge.

What if everything in your life was so transient that your very being wasn't rooted in original source code? What if your consciousness was so transient that you could be shattered and restructured without your awareness or consent?

Better yet, what if your lifelong timeline that you think is solid is really a jagged set of memories shooting off a trail of consciousness that regularly gets 'reset' back to a baseline? What if you are nothing more than a default algorithm with an ability to be internally overwritten?

And what if what you create in your life disappears over and over and you don't remember it?

I used to think this way when I was about 12. I was constantly thinking of time in ways of being broken. How would we even know?

Why in the world would I even be thinking like that?

Bigger question- Why is scifi so obsessed with this, and could this mean that millions of us are inherently aware on a subconscious level that we keep being reset back to default?

I have memories of things that aren't in this lifetime. They are me, but in an alt way. Same people, different outcome. The worst ones are my child dying early (those started around twenty years ago). One timeline in a dream I had wrecked me so badly that to this day I will weep and nearly shut down for the rest of the day when I remember it. In another she's fine, different husband, no children, whole different life going on, and I feel so sad and empty in that dream because something feels like it's missing even though she's happy, and when I wake up I realize it's her son.

I can see history changes. I've been seeing them for a long time. I know other people who are also coming to realize this has been happening for a long time. They are few and far between, but we are running into each other on the internet and comparing notes.

I started hypothesizing to myself many years ago that maybe broken brains can see things other people can't. Then I ran into a few scientists and researches postulating the same thing. I wound up going deep into brain studies, everything from ESP to NDE, science, metaphysics, intuitive studies, everything I could get my hands on. I was deep diving long before internet.

Something has changed / is changing in scifi. I'm trying to put my finger on it. I'm having a hard time finding words and defining what I mean. It's vague but very real.

I'm going to say something madcap and way off the wall now. Years before Mandela effect was ever a thing, I used to complain in fan forums that this or that needed to happen, why didn't they this or that, the writers blahblahblah, and you've gotta understand that I was the sort of fan who would run entire movies in freeze frame or backward multiple times just catching everything recorded. I drive people crazy with a little tiny pause button. I sometimes found and brought up things no one ever had before in all kinds of movies. Again, way before internet. TV sets were still crap, no mobile phones yet.

I'm aware of all the industry changes, digital effects, storyboard evolution, marketing. I drank that stuff like kool-aid. Even with a crap tv and a rented VHS player, I knew so much about everything I watched and felt like I had no one to talk to about it until internet came along. I spent my entire childhood with thoughts most people never dream of in whole lifetimes, all jam packed together setting my brain in fire. I thought so hard about everything.

I remember the day years and years ago I suddenly realized that future affects the past. It came out of nearly nowhere, ripped a new rabbit hole in my head, and there I went. I was way ahead of published science, philosophies, religion. I was all alone with a brand new idea, working out how it could be possible without us even knowing.

And you know what? It's happening all the time now. People don't even notice it. All kinds of things in our lives are changing, sometimes minutely, mostly vaguely, and we are so distracted or 'bored' or despondent about something that most of us can't imagine we are literally living out our fictions.

This is really hard to write. I walk all around the edge of it, dripping words, and none of them mean anything.

We exist and don't exist. It's all real, wonderfully, horribly real. Everything we are experiencing is real. Experience IS real. Even if we are making it up, it is real.

Reality is what we create. On the most basic level, we live in a shared reality that is created moment to moment by overarching groupthink. We dream the same dreams together when we watch TV, experiencing created realities together. Those of us who read the same books growing up have a way to plug into a shared reality together. Everything around us is about realities and experiences. Coworkers share a reality that is different from families. The groupthink changes from one set or subset to another. There are overarching realities containing the more local realities. A few years ago I'd have called these social constructs, but 'realities' feels more experienceable.

When we share realities with other people, we build histories together. Someone outside my reality cannot have a history with me. Unless I share it as a story on a blog. When I take someone on my journey, they can add some of my reality to theirs. It's interesting to note this doesn't go the other way. I don't experience you guys tagging along. By the time your eyes arrive here, my entire world has already rolled away to other things, and you have no idea what I'm doing in 'real time', but you can see where I've been.

When we experience created fiction realities together, it's like we join in a dream. We may not see each other, no clue who else or how many are dreaming, but from the point of view of that dream, there are viewers or readers from all across time and space. We are all connecting to that dream. We are all seeing a history, processing experiences in our local real times that connect back to that reality, so that at any point in our lives if someone says 'Star Wars', we instantly find out who all has shared that reality and lived those experiences.

Living vicariously.

I feel like I've lived many lifetimes in this one life because I have lived vicariously so much while I had to deal with unbearable pain. Many of us do that, I think. Distraction is a survival tool. Thinking is escape.

I guess that brings me back to Thawne. If you haven't seen that or know what I'm talking about (pic at the top), I'm not going to rehash. Anyone who's felt like their life was stalled out on sticky tape for years on end would get it, and I daresay that's probably quite a lot of us. I live for the 'think' moments, when years of this or that thought trail congeal into a rush of knowledge. 

One day a very long time ago, I wondered how no one creating a fiction to share could seem to grasp the idea that a self on its own timeline could affect its past. The Thawne escape arc is brilliant, thank you for making that dream exist for us to experience a reality together in, guys.




Now I'm going to ask- Does anyone else ever make decisions based on outcomes they know will or won't work out? Or is that just me? Because I feel like this entire lifetime has been spent fine tuning a reset to default loop that I'm very ready to escape, and I think this time I'm doing it right.