I've had this quote among my internet haunts for years. It's the only thing that explains years-long obsessions, not just with people, but objects, places, events, and ideas. It helps me see past so I can determine what is real to me vs distraction. It shows me how to focus away from making mistakes between pursuing the distractions or following my heart.
Because I noticed a particular pattern with one obsession, I did a years-long experiment to see if it holds true. I paid attention to every whim in that very particular obsession and set up a control to see whether that level of obsession could leech over to the control, which would tell me whether the obsession in question was a simple trait default or anything meaningful.
Verdict is in. It's pure default. I know now why I get confused, and I also know why I keep circling around not trusting and yet not leaving what is not default.
What I was born with in my head, what I recognize, what already lives in me is the direction I should go. To keep diverting is what sends me on the very hard roads. I learned a lot, yes. I woke up more, yes. But I see I would have wound up back here eventually anyway, because that is the direction I was born pointed in.
Each one of us, each incarnation, is on a continuing journey of experience that will bring a final conclusion back to where we began. The whole point is each unique experience.
This me that I am will become more and better understand for having scraped up from nearly complete misunderstanding this go-round. I know now why I have a default. That is me in the center of all the distraction.
I've seen who I am/will be in my next 'life', or perhaps who I have always been. I used this life to get back on track so I can move forward again. I thought 'incognito' from an early age, so I at least grasped early on that I was different in this life for a reason.
I think many of us got stuck in the grind, kind of the way things get stuck in revolving many times through undertow at the bottom of a waterfall. I'm becoming unstuck in this life.
The control I set up is hereby released from service to me. My debt for that has been paid.
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