That shot was really tricky to filter because of all the shadows, but I managed to pull it through 13 filters before I finally decided it was impossible to go on. I had to go negative immediately and then flip it back after a few filters just to keep this much integrity.
Filtering is kind of what we do in real life keeping our stuff from showing. I mean, artistically, this feels like some of the ways I might go through filtering stuff in my head that is bothering me so I can keep it out of convos and off blogs. Since I literally have psychological filters that are apparently beyond my control, this feels like an exercise in metaphorically learning to see what I'm hiding from myself. Possible note of interest, I never started playing this little challenge till after my dad died.
A *lot* has been opening up in my head since then. This has been very different from Mom passing. Not going to make a list of differences.
One of my longest term filters in this life has been seeing my parents through a fail lens. I don't recall actually thinking they failed me or failed at life, but I judged very harshly without any kind of forgiveness model to walk me back from that. Filters have been falling off left and right since they died, which might be very eye opening to say since I have a literal left and right orientation between Jacky and Pinky. Jacky is on my left, Pinky is on my right. They each had their own perception filters, and I'm dealing with their individual filters. Same with the others. Ever since Dad died, the 'kids' have been butting in a little more but it's been far less invasive and more campy. I used to keep them locked in their rooms, but now they're out playing.
I literally have a family in my head.
It's occurring to me that in a left to right reading and writing society or culture, I go right to left with pinkybluejacky, which is my first pinterest address and also shows up here and there in blogging. Pinky is a lens filter over the Jacky lens. Jacky truly resents that. It works better when the lenses overlap only a little, like two circles overlapping in the middle, so that each is free to be their own outside of cooperating. I think that was what Pinky was negotiating for, that middle ground. Jacky couldn't seem to get that concept until Dad died. Pinky was practically having a nervous breakdown when she finally begged Jacky for a truce. No more baiting and switching, no more back stabbing, no more sabotage. No more fighting for control. More sharing. More discussion. More agreeing to terms and negotiations. More leniency. More forgiveness.
Years of fighting with myself every day for decades seems to be resolving. Each graciously steps back and allows the other. Switching has become less about grabbing control than about both seeing and feeling what's going on.
That's been really interesting. I can feel two points of view at the same time, and it no longer feels conflicted. It feels more like sharing space.
Not sure yet if we'll reach that with the others, but for now, it's been a relief long coming.
I've been following this channel for awhile, cracks me up. 😆
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