Random tech in my house pic.
Established with a new primary this week. Actually, she's Scott's doctor and let him get away with barely touching base once a year and then being noncompliant for years before he finally caved to being treated for diabetes. I get in there and find out she's admittedly "OCD" according to her coworkers, and she's having so much fun with my history that she called me back in immediately for med tweaks, which has never happened before in my entire 3 inch thick dossier. Also, she is the only doctor in my history that has checked for vitamin D and B12, so I'm impressed.
So Scott and I are currently in a close enough range to turn treatment into a competition now, thanks to my ice cream binging this summer. He's worse, even on metformin, but I can easily fix my numbers with diet because I've been doing that since 2011. I doubt he'll be able to straighten his numbers up because he can't seem to stop carbing for two straight hours before bedtime (longer on weekends), but he's more active than I am, so that's how he gets away with it. For his age, he's still nearly skinny and can really hide the state of his health, plus he comes from a family that never croaks off, darn lucky on that one. I'm a genetically ticking time bomb, even when I do everything right.
I'm liking that so far two of my doctors have left, migrating me to female doctors. I had a female primary years ago but she was nearly useless and I kept getting worse, also had a female neurologist back then who blew me off so badly I didn't get any real help at all. I've had good care since then with a health care team I put together, but now this stupid covid mess is flipping doctors around and I'm liking the fallout. They're really good so far, and way easier to talk to than my male doctors, as good as they were.
It's possible my own personality change could be part of that. Plus I'm a lot older. I'm certainly less defensive.
It's been 12 days since gabapentin completely stopped. Still not regretting that at all. No problems needing dealt with. Can feel general tension again, like the new primary visit, nothing hard. If anything, mood swings may have flattened out even more, interesting to note.
Next is cleaning off xanax again. Down to .375 mg/day, which seems ridiculous, but I was using that to soften the last of the gabapentin withdrawal. Now I can titrate the xanax down since I'm past the longest estimated withdrawal problems for gabapentin, according to rehab clinics.
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I've mentioned elsewhere I was born addicted (darvocet) and lived on donnatal for my first 8 years controlling never-ending digestive pain and spasms. I was a very pukey kid. I've had addiction problems throughout my life. I'm really good last few years at withdrawing as softly as possible. I really hate meds because I become psychologically dependent very quickly.
My mom went through opioid addiction as a very young mother without any support. She likely had severe fibromyalgia like I do, and she also developed diabetes like I did. I was crippled for a few years with intense pain and poor health, and I watched my mom deal with that, too. Cleaning off all the addictive meds doctors kept throwing at me was my first step to reclaiming my health, along with a full commitment to diet change. It has taken years to regain function and capacity with my personally organized medical team. My mom didn't have that.
Darvocet was so addicting that they stopped making and selling it in the U.S. I lived on vicodin as an adult for two decades. Doctors handed it out like candy until the last few years. That's what they did with darvocet when my mom was young.
Back then they didn't even blink twice if women were pregnant. My entire life has been like living with a drug deficit in my brain. Everything hurts all the time, nothing feels good, it's like I'm hard wired to be extremely hypersensitive to all incoming sensation and all sensation is interpreted as pain. Can you imagine trying to deal with that kind of baby?
And a baby that cannot cuddle becomes a child that cannot tolerate hugs. After that you become an adult that cannot teach that to more little humans being born. There is no physical comfort. No relief.
So I developed my own standards, definitions, and categories of what feeling good is for me, what comfort is for me, what relief feels like for me. I created ways to make my life tolerable in this nervous system, even enjoyable.
Anyway, that is why it's important for me to pay attention to how I withdraw off legit medications once I've lowered pain levels with stuff like physical therapy. If I don't stay committed, I'll wind up wrecking my health with addictions.
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I keep forgetting about this post. I've been busy on all kinds of stuff today.
Random stuff.
Think about why you are here, guys. I remember why I'm here. I know exactly what I am doing and why and what is going to happen. You can reach that level, too. Find a quiet place, a quiet time, and relax into yourself. Let you find *yourself*. That is where you start. We are all here for really big reasons, and if you want to know, that's how. Millions of us are awake and ready now. And yes, it's time.
p.s. My post literally doubled itself like someone copy pasted the entire html again just before I finished this up, and there was no way that could happen without me literally highlighting the entire post and repasting it, which have been notoriously difficult to do on my phone. It was like someone else was with me in my editor again, doing stuff. This is getting really old. #liveblogging
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