 |
| click pic for know your meme history "In this moment I am Euphoric" Scroll to the bottom of this post for juicy gossip |
:36 hours ago: I think this is my first euphoric (hypomanic) episode without any med support since 2013. It's like pouring a pot of coffee right into my eyeballs. I've lost enough sleep this week to feel like there's a newborn in the house again, possibly twins, and I'm still wired to the gills. I seem to do this at the beginning of every autumn when the daily temp drops from hot down into the 70s. Interesting. 🤔
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
:27 hours ago: Even though I got an hour and a half of sleep last night, I'm wide awake tonight. I have gotten so much stuff done today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Had a sideways convo with Claudia this morning. I've not really understood how or why she's mean. I think I know now. I'll relate something I know first.
We had a foster sister sort of around my age but looked more grown up, much more developed and a bit of a socialite with boys. I was ok with her most of the time. One day she came to me privately, pretty much crying on my shoulder like I hadn't seen before. She usually handled things her own wily way, so it was different seeing her lose it. My dad had 'beat' her. I asked her what she did, because Dad always had a reason or a trigger. She said my brother, who was much younger, pointed his BB rifle at her so she grabbed it and broke the gun over his head or something, then she said he ran off crying to tell on her, and then my dad came and found her and hit her. I simply said don't hurt my brother and he won't do that any more. I let her cry on me until she felt better and we never mentioned it again.
Let's summarize. My dad hit a young woman for defending herself from a boy pointing a gun at her.
Claudia reminded me of that today, I had forgotten, probably because, as I'm coming to realize now, Claudia was always the one present for the rough stuff. The puppy killing. The time dad beat me for accidentally hitting my brother in the head with a little rock. I was a young girl and he held me down tight and beat me with his fists. Today I realized that is what he did to my foster sister, as well.
Imagine never seeing your dad ever hit another adult, but growing up seeing him slug a fear crazed sheep into complete compliance while he was shearing, or nearly beating a dog to death because it ran a chicken down and chewed it up. And from my own experiences, he beat at least one kid and at least one young woman.
A year ago on October 1st I wrote being sad, and sadnesses, and a life of sad on my Basically Clueless blog that I started shortly before I found out my dad was dying. (:edit: To be clear, I wasn't sad my dad was dying.)
It's really interesting how 'the kids' are getting hold of me and letting me know things now. We seem to share in a very unique and interesting way.
Is it beginning to become apparent why I might have fragmented a few times through my childhood? Some of the memories go back to around one or two.
My dad was not a 'bad' man. I do believe, though, that he himself was broken as a child, and that he either never figured it out or simply just could never talk about it. All we know is that his father was considered by everyone to be exceptionally mean. I think the only way my dad was able to cope with the blaring conflicts was to devote his life to bible studies and his weird brand of philosophy of religion.
The fastest path to complete world healing in the shortest time frame is stop being mean. But how do we wake people up to the fact that they have been programmed to be mean and perpetuate this cycle of profound internal pain that we all keep locked away?
Kindness is logical.
Unrelated but I copied this a couple days ago to keep sharing in case the original I found disappeared. It's already got 100 views without even linking it anywhere. Jim Caviezel is a real hero to qanons because he is not afraid to stand up and take the slings and arrows.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Juicy gossip
First of all, last Tuesday was Felt Hat Day.
Who is this woman??? What is she doing? You're guess is as good as mine.
But someone knows something. I'm pretty sure this means key media assets, not all famous people in general.
Rumors are flying, and I don't know who any of these people are. Click the next snip for the craziest gossip you ever saw.
Don't get scared when things look scary. Keep finding wonderful things to do and think and this will all pass. It's ok to unplug from the the rhetoric and create your own peace. 💗
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm going to tack this on because it's important to understanding how grueling watching TV is for me sometimes. I honestly watch very little TV, sometimes takes me years to jump on board something trending, then I come in late and immerse in ways that feel like drowning. This happens across the board and I have no warning when it's going to happen. Everything gets weird and then I recluse and no one knows what to do with me. It's really hard being honest when one's entire childhood is about not telling the truth, about stuffing down the obvious to play head games, about creating fantasy worlds that make life bearable. I see this across all fandoms, major displacement options like being in a candy shop for neurotics. Television is the strongest drug in the world, and we all fall into that magic screen sooner or later. Some of us, like Alice, find our way to independent thinking and figure out the meanings in our hidden truths, because is that not what psychedelics are for?
Claudia has very strongly responded to Sherloque on The Flash as a not father figure who is figuring out how a double of his is playing a surrogate father figure for a father who is having problems establishing a relationship with her, via Nora's diary.
The rest of us anticipating trubba...
From 3-23-13
fans of any show know that the characters and events that happen in a show can become symbolic of personal stuff, and as we displace our emotions into the stories, we unconsciously learn to deal with our own stuff. Stories give us situations to think about, characters give us relationships to relate to. As we become more involved in a show, we become more emotionally invested.
No comments:
Post a Comment