disengaged eyes

This is hard to write.

Masking and seeing others masked has been extremely destructive in my mind. I couldn't put my finger on it for a long time. I played along and wore masks when I had to, and I didn't have panic attacks or anything, but something kept eating at me. Masking gets me very angry and I wasn't sure what to do with that or where it's coming from.

We all know what an absent stare is. We can see by someone's eyes when they are disengaged, staring off at the sky or a wall or something while their mind is somewhere else. We understand disengaging, but we don't like it when someone looks at or talks to us with blank stares. It's creepy. That's why it's used in scary movies and stuff. That blank stare does things to our minds.

Imagine a blank face. All you can see is eyes (unless sunglasses are on), but there is no face. That's a nightmare. When we see a completely skinned over face in a show with no mouth or nose, it's terrifying. It's not funny. It makes us feel uncomfortable.

Imagine having prosopagnosia. Imagine not being able to categorize people into familiar memory slots because everything on their faces is so interchangeable in your mind. Imagine not being able to remember what someone's face looks like when you aren't looking at them and that is the way you live your life. Imagine someone removing their mask and their face is gone.

I've often brought up nightmares with my psychologist. One of my most memorable nightmares from years ago was vividly seeing a person's face ripped off by a whale on a beach, and all the couples strolling in the moonlight casually looking away while I stood there in horror watching someone trapped and about to be killed, and the skin on their face was just gone.

I have prosopagnosia. Imagine what masking does to my psyche.

Masks sometimes make people sound like they are having a hard time talking, to me it sounds like they are practically chewing on their masks. It bothers me very badly and I want them to take their masks off so bad I can hardly stand it. I feel almost like I'm going to lose control and reach out and pull masks off when I'm out, like it's an impulse to rescue faces. Imagine if we kept dogs and cats in masks all day. We'd feel sorry for them. That's how I feel about people.

It's a wonder I don't have panic attacks. Masks are like hands over our mouths. My dad put his hand over my mouth and nose a few times to make me calm down when I was having meltdowns. I couldn't breathe at all and he wouldn't release me until I started going limp. I'd be so starved for air that I'd be thrilled to just crawl away.

One time he smothered me. He blew in me to wake me up.

Imagine having those memories coming back over and over when you wear a mask.

I have no idea how I've not yet had a full blown panic attack wearing a mask or not yet reached out and grabbed masks off people. The compulsion is real.

Tonight I saw a tik tok of a baby ward in a hospital. All the newborns were wearing face shields and properly distanced from each other. Is this not abuse? Isn't it bad enough that new mommies might not know how to cuddle their children and now they're being taught to face shield their newborns? Human psychological health depends on human closeness and lots of touching, especially with newborns.

What the mask mandates are doing to us is beyond reprehensible. The politics of masking is psychologically abusive. The technocracy deleting videos and links to researches about the truth of masking is beyond reprehensible. The elitist power to command docile subjugation to the neglect of human psychological needs is criminally abusive.

I'm not going to argue numbers. Everyone knows we didn't have a massive die off except in places like nursing homes where immunity challenged persons were crowded together.

I'm just saying the psychological impact might not be apparent on the surface to you guys, but it's haunting me in ways that you'd find very disturbing.

I feel like we are being taught how to become more mentally ill, more psychologically dependent on a nanny state, more addicted to substance and medication abuses, more broken by depression. All it takes is a mask.

Imagine trying to remember faces and all you see is a mask because faces have become disengaged from our human response comms.