Pink Feldspar: brain games

Sometimes the enormity of some of the reality I've been through really hits and I spend a few more spare moments processing. And then other times I'm stunned that something as seemingly stupid as what my brain thinks is a funny puzzle bolts me out of a sound sleep. Like this one yesterday- "What do a boat and a dish have in common?" I jerked wide awake just as my dream was revealing that dish can rearrange into ship and that a dish and a boat both float on water.

o_o

I was literally thinking yesterday about how things float while I was doing dishes after the boil order was lifted, like if you have a heavy stoneware bowl it will still float, but a tall empty plastic tumbler will tip over because it's not heavy enough to sink into the water far enough to find a buoyancy balance. Add a short few minutes of gematria I also wrestled with on the side (that does NOT come naturally to me), where you start wondering if every word ever used is mysteriously embedded in reality somehow, and bam, dish is ship and it floats like a boat, which seems really obvious until your mind points out in a dream that it is literally the same spelling symbols.

My mind has been busy chewing on so many things lately, and I'm not sleeping again, so I thought for awhile it's just that. I'm awake sometimes 2-4 hours in the night grinding my brain through anything I think will make me nod off out of sheer boredom, and instead of working, it backfires into more and more brain work until I'm a walking thesaurus of info links, while every nerve in my poor body is begging for relief because it feels so weirdly wired and then the light bulb comes on and I go

OH. Oh, yeah, I'm still in a super slow benzo taper.

The answer to handling this kind of stuff is take another pill. That is in all the withdrawing literature I look up. There's always something else to alleviate the pain of withdrawing. There's a pill for headaches, for insomnia, for restless legs, etc.

The only pill there is for what feels like a fire ant biting its way up your leg in the middle of the night bolting you out of bed is more benzodiazapine. Which I refuse to do. I'm down to half a low dose pill before bedtime and that's it. I've been holding at that for a month while I wait for my body to ride out low level withdrawal, and once this calms, I'll go to a quarter pill before bed. I am that sensitive.

I really hope this is the last time I ever have to withdraw off meds. The year has been long enough with covid and the whole world stressing over it, coming off that extra cushion is a little rough when it's the very very last of the cushion.

After another long night awake and then cooking up a nice breakfast and sorting the chores out, I crashed back into bed and nearly fell back asleep again, which would have been blissful, but out of the blue I wandered lucidly through a maze of the barely being able to walk years and realized how really big of a thing it is to be walking around now, going up and down stairs without a problem, doing things all over my house, getting all the groceries put away by myself, keeping the chores up, and of course writing still getting easier and easier all the time (but not gematria, lol), all the hours and hours of research I still do every single day...

And you'd think all the extra zyrtec and benadryl I've been on during ragweed season would be knocking me out, but nooOooo...

Yesterday I made a big pot of settlers beans, today I made cornbread. We haven't had any luck finding the Pillsbury cherry tarts in a kit that Scott likes, so I made some out of crescent roll dough, a can of cherry topping, and a little homemade icing. Was hilarious breaking into that can of dough and not finding a single perforated line, just a solid sheet of dough. 😂 I had to get a scissor and cut it down, that's why they look so odd. I don't eat any of that junk, so that's all on Scott. He seems to work it off easily even as old as he is. Lucky.

So some of you are wondering what my bounce trail is like in youtube when I'm up for hours in the night, well here you go. Have a ball.

I like watching the drawing in this channel. 😊

This one is tricky. You click the link in the description to get to the actual vid on a locked site. As the page is loading, you hit play on the vid before the page can finish loading and send you to a create an account page, and that holds the page open while you watch the vid. Neat, huh? 😁