where are you now

From this cool article

You know how on game servers there is a hierarchy of staff and things are done certain ways, right. I've been applying that to my personal glitch problems. Now that we're getting used to agreeing on things before one of us acts, it's feeling less and less like self sabotage and more amicable. Like how I've been thinking for the last couple days I'd like something for this headache, and today we agreed this probably needs to be addressed with a pain pill before some kind of complication issue comes up, like a spike in blood pressure. I used to feel like I was fretting over decisions like I couldn't make up my mind and felt like I was fighting with myself, and now that I know I was really actually fighting with myselves, I just bring it up and sooner or later I feel the others chime in. I used to step up and just take executive action, like a boss, and then deal with what I labeled self recrimination later, and now I feel more like I'm tossing ideas out to into a sort of messenger chat.

I really wish I'd known how to do this years ago.

Anyway, when we can't make up our mind on something, a couple of us reserve the option to make the decision, kind of like admin, which works out pretty well since Pinky and Jacky have been aware of each other and sharing some space, and the other two 'grownups' (they feel like college slackers lol) usually just go with it. When the 'kids' get bossy, there's usually a real issue to address, so I back up and let things come into my mind however they want and kinda roll with it washing through, and then the rest more or less opinionate a little, and then if I feel like a decision needs to be made, I ask the other 'grownups' to weigh in since the 'kids' lack the emotional maturity to make a balanced decision.

My stress level last couple months is about the lowest it's been in my entire life. I did have a blowout day a few weeks ago, big meltdown for about an hour over information that triggered hard and fast before I could stop it, and that happening without fallback meds was interesting, mainly in that I could see it way easier and understood what was happening while it was happening. I was able to take a back seat instead of being shut out, and I didn't bully my way into taking over. It happened, we had a mild internal convo about it later and I got over it just fine without kicking myself. I think the self judgment is melting away now that I'm able to be more realistic about it.

It's been interesting how much shows with characters dealing with issues like this has helped me see my internal dialogue, like Gotham last year and The Flash this year.