-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero at PinkyGuerrero, Pinky, Janika, Basically Clueless & this blog PinkFeldspar, in that order.
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
 photo README2.gif


Saturday, March 28, 2020

convoluted thinking

That time I grew a huge forest around treasure blocks for an event, all in survival.
I have gotten used to having very little traffic across my blogs over the last year, especially lately. I would even see the number 0 on a week here and there on a blog here or there, which for me has been unheard of from day one. I feel like I've worked very hard neglecting my blogs over the last year so I could get the traffic to stop. 😂 I was able to write harder stuff with less pressure, and I thought it was funny no one was paying attention after years of being instantly hammered for saying something too out of the box for modern mainstreaming social medias. I wasn't knee jerking on cue, as it were.

This week has been an eruption of 20+ countries across all the blogs. Here, I'll toss 20 at ya, this is more like the old days. This doesn't include the fan blog, it's just little ol' me.

United States, Hong Kong, Ukraine, France, Germany, United Kingdom, Netherlands, Philippines, Lithuania, United Arab Emirates, Austria, Argentina, Turkmenistan, Russia, Egypt, Indonesia, Japan, Sweden, Greece, Uganda, and 'unknown region' which could be anything.

I'm sure I'd get loads more if I were a Q content blogger, but to be realistic, I still outrank my fan blog for a TV show.

I never was the sort who wanted to get involved in politics, and that was pretty clear across my blogs, but I was also clear about where I stand. I was waking up before the Great Awakening, and going down rabbit holes before I knew what anons were. I was pre-Q. I knew we were owned slaves before I knew anything about Payseurs and the Fed or maritime law or bloodlines. How did I know? I asked ever so many questions.

My mother called me The Elephant's Child.

I wrote last year- "Purposeful guided convoluted thinking through the centuries is what keeps us controlled. It creates mental walls that we fear to breach or become ostracized for breaching. Psychological fencing is a prerequisite for sheep herding."

I've been writing like that for years. I've never known where it comes from, it just shows up and I feel compelled to express it, so I just write constantly on blogs.

Today I went through a difficult condensed thought process on twitter. I'll paste it here all smashed together instead of in tweet form. This was the thread starter.

In trying to wrap my mind around the ideas of both flat earth and the black cube of Saturn, I ran into this poetically written post. (That link goes HERE)

There's plenty to find on each one separately, but it's really hard finding anything on their paths crossing. Can flat earth and the black cube of Saturn coexist? (Another link goes HERE)

I personally think our earth is more like a holographic hypertorus and that this medium wherein we interact is a lower level construct, as far as the idea of a physical reality goes, but since the black cube of Saturn has so permeated world cultures and flat earth is becoming popular again, I'm trying to mash the two in my mind to see if they conflict each other out of existence, but my head keeps arguing that conflicting constructs can coexist perfectly if we're unaware we live within a holographic hypertorus. Now I'd like to understand why my head is tripping up over whether the twain can meet and wondering if anyone else ever gets stuck on this.

To wit, can a flat earther celebrate saturnalia? Because that is apparently what humans did before someone figured out the earth is round. So... if the Saturn of NASA is a wildly elaborated explanation backing up the black cube history, why all the trouble? I'd love to see a really gripping debate over flat earth that includes the many years of human history dedicated to the black cube of Saturn. It seems to me that Satanism practically depends on round planets, so how could that even exist on flat earth? I just want to see that seriously addressed. Where did thousands of years of the black cube come from if not a real Saturn?

I guess what I'm ultimately asking is whether kabbalists can be flat earthers. I know that's a leap for those unfamiliar, but for some reason it just feels like a really important question.

I found this tweet, this link goes to the article linked in that tweet. A Kabbalist invented gravity? (Link goes HERE)

If I'm understanding all the things I'm finding, kabbalists were the original globalists when globalism was a legit physical world conspiracy. So purging the world of elite globalists = purging Kabbalah mysticism perverting the consumption of the tree of life aka DNA, and that is the link between science and money and missing children.

I personally don't care what shape our world is. It's all fascinating, but it's not worth losing sight of morals and ethics being twisted into mind traps.

I think Terry Pratchet probably had a better handle on the logistics of belief systems than I ever could have. I'm like the electric monk that Douglas Adams put into a Dirk Gently book, I can believe conflicting things without a bother.

Stuff like that. I had no idea why I suddenly felt compelled to find out the connection between what looks like two ideas at opposite extremes, right. These are two rabbit holes I've gone down before but never thought to connect until today. And whadayaknow, they totally connect. Thanks, Isaac Newton, one of the most popularly known scientists of my childhood generation. And from there it was a short hop to mathematicians and musicians accidentally discovering rocket science through metre, like when someone tried to create a metronome with a metal ball rolling down an incline with strings across at regular intervals and noticed that the speed doubled over every distance between strings, which means it increased exponentially. So musicians and mathematicians, literally the 'elite' among the populations back then because wealth equaled education, born into Kabbalist families were the ones winding up creating the 'sciences' that explained their mysticisms and alchemies. And not only explained but eventually codified their beliefs, and then shaped not only economies, but our minds.

Globalism is the sciencing up and control of the masses. If you aren't noticing what is really going on in world politics this last month, globalism is over now.

Globalism sternly blocked other sciences from developing. Free energy is a real thing, but no one makes money off free energy, so hell with the poor and cut off their power if they can't pay. Food is abundant and easily produced but the patents are blocked, and you don't make money giving food away, so hell with entire countries full of very literally starving children. Cancer cures actually exist, but you don't make money curing people, so hell with the miserable while the cures are blocked and people lose everything over medical bills and pharmaceuticals.

All this is known.

I have complained many times that we still defend 120 year old physics like it's a novelty. That's about as far as the regular person can think without a higher education and a determination to break through some very thick barriers to learn more. We live in an electric universe. You don't learn that in school. Why? There's no money in it.

I really need to wrap this up and go to bed. Maybe another day I'll explain what I just said up there in all that tweet stuff.


It's been interesting being more able to see all the multifaceted layers of sabotage as I've finally worked through what blinded me in the first place.

Carrot on a stick. Psychologist said I'm easily led. But I'm not the docile sort you want following that carrot...

And now, long afterward, I can see why a return to whatever good old days hopes and dreams can never work out.

I was a fox enticed out of a wheat field. Then I was a pet dumped on a highway. After that I grew into a feral shadow haunting the dark. And now I'm sitting out in the open, thinking about when I was a fox in a field.

Friday, March 27, 2020

the story behind Pinky Robot

That was hard. I finally got it written.

>> here comes April, again

I daresay that's why I'm so messed up. All I can do is apologize again to everyone who has suffered me since then.

Thursday, March 26, 2020

a wiser rock, perhaps

Valuable lessons learned this week. Trolls and shills knee jerking without forethought are why I don't talk to people.

Moving on.

I think I'm closer to seeing why the conflict is valuable, per my question of Source. I can see I'm the one who is split. There is not really another, because I brought myself into it, interpreted through my filter, and now assess as the experiencer. Myself cannot be solved outside of myself. I am a whole piece of a whole. We are all whole pieces, giving the illusion of separate selves because each piece experiences through different filters. Afterward, we are again a self reflecting on the split experiences, as I am now after realizing the 'other' was an emotional objectification, if I may. A comfort, if the experience had been ideal.

Some smartie out there is softly singing, "I am a rock, I'm an i-i-i-sland."

Full circle, but wiser, maybe. And much less of a rock nowadays.

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

From an anon to an industry slave

IF what I'm seeing is someone actually connecting my dots across years, it's quite possible the method to my madness can be seen now that it's becoming clear I've been anon all along.

Signaling is both a skill and an art. Many of us have been working blind because threats are very real. That vid is a wave to those who've caught up with what I'm actually doing.

I will never apologize for remaining on the cutting edge of civilian info gathering and sharing. It sometimes took every shred and scrap of will to risk staying public in a very unforgiving industry.

I truly do feel bad for those now sneaking private bathroom signaling across public social medias, I know they're in pain and afraid, some of them born into slavery and controlled all their lives. The public doesn't understand. I do. I know you are used to having handlers and suppliers and those have been cut off. I know there are codes you use so the public can't hear you screaming for help. I know you've been on front lines in this war as pawns.

But I know more than that. You are property. Owned. Even coddled in gilded cages, there is right and wrong.

Death comes for us all anyway. As one put it in a tweet, you are now playing out the performances of your lives to a live audience.

Some of us are sad it had to come to this, but realize it would be foolish to stop it. You see, we are slaves, too. And we've been suffering all along, watching puppets on stages to distract us. The fact that this has finally become all too real for you is no reason to stop the plan to save the rest of us.

Every life is important. We thank you for the lives you lived out so our eyes could be opened to what should always have been absolutely unacceptable. I personally pray none of this was in vain.

I've heard my readership has reached surprising places. Please just know I'm hugging you in my head and you are not as alone as you think. Millions know. We see you.

For those of you who don't yet have a clue, I'm talking to Drew Barrymore, and the others who are hiding and afraid.

slave no more

And today I learn I am finally free. Pinky no longer controls the narrative.

Monday, March 23, 2020

spring cleaning

Can't help thinking about the patriots being unleashed to hunt the hunters now. Bet it's exhilarating to finally see Go Time.

Aside from a horrible couple days with spring allergies because I felt like airing out the house, I seem to be doing fantastic as long as I remember to take breaks. Cleaned rugs and floors, deep cleaned here and there. Brutal work in physical therapy knocks me down a little and then I bounce back happy as a clam cleaning my house. Still holding steady on 2 100mg gabapentin a day, once morning and evening. Not caving back, no cravings for anything, so I apparently passed the addiction threshold. I even forget to take them once in awhile.

People bailing on appointments, I wound up first in line on a call list. Why yes, I'd love to keep working on my head stuff.

You guys don't see me writing my thing. I'm finally pulling 5 years of perplexed angst into a condensed story about my friend before she was a murder victim. I'll link the page when I'm done.
here comes April, again

It's nice finally understanding #pinkyblog and sorting all that out.

Interesting that I still haven't cried or mourned my dad passing at all. I feel nothing, and the anger is gone. It's still a relief.

My mom was a lot braver than most can imagine.

Sunday, March 22, 2020

"I wonder which one of us is frozen."

Some say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I'm the one who is lost.

And I'm the one who finds me.

I'm the one who finds the way through.

I'm the one who forgives.

I'm the one who forgets.

And I'm the one who remembers.

Saturday, March 21, 2020

the luxury of less work, actually

I know, I'm dragging on again. Vicious spring allergy week, we all know how I feel about landing on this poisonous planet. 😐 At any rate, got my spring deep cleaning on. You're right, I'm probably stalling. Here, have some distraction.

Thursday, March 19, 2020

the memory

Still working up my nerve. I have deliberately cycled through a manic roller coaster making sure it would be thoughtfully written, not emotionally driven. I feel like I'm closing my eyes before stepping out of a plane hoping my parachute works, but after 5 years of buildup, this really needs to be finished getting said.

Next year will be 4 decades.

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

brain storm

Of course the world is going crazy for everyone and we're all diverting into strategic survival, but I'm still psyching up to write it.

Friday, March 13, 2020


Went from balmy back to nippy, so comfort food it is! Been wanting homemade spaghetti sauce all week.

So. Head homework reported in, bit of shopping taken care of with Scott, and now we are free to hope spring break turns out easier than we tend to expect.

Yeah. Connected all those dots. I'd love to put a map of my head on the wall.

I may have finally forgiven myself.

Thursday, March 12, 2020


I took an EQ quiz online, scored an 'OK', whatever in the world that means. At least I wasn't worse.

I'm literally a tech-mod in my marriage. I help the player here figure things out. Like how a person can use a phone nowadays to look up phone numbers. He needs a Life Wiki, but would he even read it? I suppose I could mask it behind some fantasy baseball stats...

Wow, wonder if fantasy teams will fall flat this year.

Do I care? No. And therein lies the 'OK'.

Oh well. Guess I'd better review some notes I made. I have a big day tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 11, 2020

web me

A year ago at the end of March I wrote "Despite disappearing a bit and shutting down multiple accounts, Pinky blog is still being hit every day from all over the world, and Janika Banks still scores above a 6.0 on webmii." And then I REALLY depressed myself off into a then-anonymous blog and now a year later I'm at a 4.17.

Actually, I'm just killing time while Scott watches his show. Watching the world flip out about the 30 day air travel restrictions and munching popcorn while I watch the arrests go down on twitter.

the realism of sh*t and falling from high places

I had a long, complicated real life minecraft dream as I was waking up this morning, and near the end I found myself abruptly falling off the edge of a very high floor in a not yet completed high-rise metro going up across wheat fields, and for real, I literally heard the announcment "YabloVH fell from a high place" and totally expected to smash the wheat to bits with my body exploding when I hit the ground, except the wheat, which looked 3D but still like minecraft wheat, was very bendy and springy and kept me from hitting the ground at all, and I turned out ok. Very surprised, but ok.

Got through a huge amount of personal head stuff this week (even took notes!) and then researched all afternoon. Shit's about to get real.

Monday, March 9, 2020

wither queen

That was a wither test I did on claims last week. This week I tested end crystals. Nearly every week I'm testing things now. I really need to learn the coding and flags and whatevs. Might be doing all that now that I have more time on my hands. Not real soon, hopefully by April. Still have spring break and physical therapy to get through.

So I was all over the *me* testing today when I first got those auras before the migraine hit. I was literally halfway through a hot dog. Literally. That's how fast hot dogs affect me now. And it was so much like coming through a weekend last month when I wound up in ER on a Tuesday for a ridiculous blood pressure breakout after 2 days of auras and was treated for, you guessed it, migraine and then sent home. On the weekends we eat man food, like bacon and stuff. Well, apparently my body is very tired of preserved meats. Takes very little now to set this off, and bam, repeated the same thing coming on this month just eating a hot dog after another weekend of bacon. There are a million articles out there about hot dogs and migraines, so I guess another lifestyle change is upon me.

This is only making me stronger, you know.

it's actually pouring rain out there

Ocular migraine today.

Sunday, March 8, 2020

my latest challenge

What do Hong Kong and Israel have in common? Asking for a friend.

Might be unrelated, but when one of each shows up across every blog's stats (but not this one), it reminds me of the way France and Ukraine showed up after something particular I shared somewhere. Like I'm an assignment or something. Like, am I legit? A cover? Or just another nooby blogger who accidentally stumbles into the wrong room?


Wonderful things are afoot.

Anyway. Made it through our first all nighter with kiddo since they moved out. It was refreshing but we're tired now, lol.

If you don't know what a 3 marker challenge is, you need to buy some markers, pull out some printer paper, close your eyes and randomly choose 3 markers, and then create some artwork on a timer. Works best racing against a 6 year old.

Saturday, March 7, 2020

lurker games

Prize winner- U.S. Windows Firefox. Congratulations on beating everyone else over here. Don't worry, can't see back yards like the old days. The rest is still dark.

Just for that, I'm posting a rerun from Pinky blog.

It's a thing we do. A game.

Three different people have told me they keep dossiers on me. None of them were joking.

Sometimes you accidentally cease and desist an amateur you know in real life and then stuff gets awkward.

And sometimes it gets weird.

I wish we could get together in a lurkers club and swap tech advice, but I know that defeats the whole purpose.

So we just quietly watch each other.

I live for the plot twists, like when an ultra dark lurker pings on top of me and someone else lurking each other. I know you know I know you know I know, but now you know.

:edit: I actually had bets on it would be either a Russian Lexx fan, Netherlands, or Germany. France and Brazil possibly. Didn't even think it would be U.S.

Friday, March 6, 2020

I think I'm finally done figuring this out, hopefully

I think my poor body has finally adjusted to the 3/4 reduction in my daily coffee. That's rough. Still sticking to 1/4 to 1/2 cup a day now.

So continuing my thought from 'victims', I think it's been obvious to everyone but me that I crave and push 'love' through readership, even though I literally spelled it out in 2013, wherein I point out that "Twitter is a polyamorist's dream come true". I am super ace in my real life, I am a self professed blog whore on the internet. Words and readership replace the give and take in what probably looks like (to Freud) a very promiscuous (metaphorically) attempt at filling a void.

One of my driving forces for wording is very much like the way sex chemicals work in the brain. On a really good word day, I get a sort of runner's high and reel away floating around the house, and on a really really good word day (rare), I wind up aroused even though I may not have written a single thing actually alluding to sex or relationships.

I've talked about my aspie/autist childhood stim compulsions on Autisable. There needs no more explanation than that.

So brain chemicals are my forte. I have swum in horrible anxiety cocktails all my life, and I can say from pure experience that even as an adult, I have facepalmed through the weirdest abrupt situations imaginable as I've managed to steer through very public spontaneous completely out of the blue orgasms simply because my brain has been floating in a mixed up chemical sea since birth.

Here's What Happens to Your Body And Brain When You Orgasm

I really think the reason I'm so ace is because I don't connect all those dots correctly. So that means I don't emotionally hook up correctly, either. I don't develop those concentric circles of relationships that sociologists map out, and I don't understand why I can't do relationships right.

So I live my life feeling very empty, despite actually having loved ones around me in various family roles, a few friends here and there, and I push filling it with making connections through stats in readership. I put out words, I see response happen, I feel like connections happened (don't worry, I don't 'get off' on that). I think the component of feeling driven to produce words to read is about needing to connect somehow, because I feel so disconnected emotionally from everyone around me.

Coming back to my thought from yesterday, I seek out 'victims' with click bait. 😂

Metaphorically, I get into other people's minds and want to possess their attention with my own mind. It has taken me forever to figure out the narcissism part of my diagnosis. Logically, autist wants to know, right.

And along the way, I have been discovering that I'm also metaphorically lethal, toxic, and all those other fun words related to narcissism.

As far as Lexxperience goes- "Slow and painful, it shall be!" 😘

nobody but my shadow

Something I saved from Facebook 

Omydod, my shoulder team is awesome. Pain level is already coming down markedly again and I'm only 2 days in.

So where I'm at lately is realizing all the weird stuff that creeps me out is actually coming from my own head. Like the way I get a flash of eyes looking at me just before I fall asleep, and for years I felt like I was being remote viewed. Once I decided my own brain was sending me signals to LOOK at something in myself, it stopped. I've been bringing up the eyes across blogs for years.

Yes, it's possible outside forces pry into my mind (I'm not alone wondering this, many people feel invaded), but once I decided that my brain was clever enough to bait me with puzzles, I realized *I* am the puzzle. The answers aren't out there somewhere. They're inside me.

So that quite possibly means that the poor souls who got caught in my headlights (and made my life miserable, as it were) were really just an extension of my own misunderstandings. If I had understood in the first place, I'd never have interacted. But that was how I learned, wasn't it?

And that makes it even easier to own the messes I made of my life at various times. Yes, I'm difficult. I own that. But I also walked away and chose not to be a criminal, a loser, a whiner, a blamer, a user, or mean.

It's been hard reconciling that I fall hard and take things so personally without realizing what I dish out myself, and then depression swallows me up about what went wrong. It's been hard not understanding. But even living so mixed up like that, I still chose to try again, learn new things, be better.

The oddest thought recently was the possibility of my history of falling so hard was really me falling for something inside myself and displacing that onto... victims? Do I really do that?

I think it's entirely possible.

Thursday, March 5, 2020

going after what i really want now

I found the original! Yay!!! Very happy.

Spent a couple hours last night combing through at least 6500 screenshots looking for a very interesting idea I wanted to work on for a Lexx thought post about 5 months ago, and the screenshots captured source with timestamp so I can source it in an article. Alas, that was also about the time my dad needed much more DPOA help from me, so I set it aside.

But I found that, too!

And now I'm Lexxcited. Might take a couple weeks to get this thought sketched out into a word format, but at least I have an assignment for myself now, yay!

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

[don't] come back for me

I made that original background header in 2007. The only copy I can find now is an ancient download from facebook.

This blog is happening because, as I've migrated off Pinky blog into other blogs to deal with other things, and over a bit of time, one of me complained that I'm no fun any more. And it's true, last year's meltdown became so dismal with my platform burning off and my goals getting smashed to bits with the 3 tornadoes I had living here and then my dad croaking off the long, hard way (hardheaded old coot wanted to die naturally at home, HA, how'd that go for you, Dad?) (ignore that, I'm actually in a good place now, just having fun), and then the kids finally moving back out and me spending a solid month reeling through the sudden stress crisis that had been building up and being stuffed back down for so long, yeah, I got very not fun.

I learned a lot, though. Lemme bullet point so I don't get lost in all that.

  • Two of me inside my head are fairly consumed with hating each other.
  • It was really my dad all along and not my mom at the heart of my psyche dx's.
  • Part of the Pinky love blog thing was about me reconciling with myself after a not amicable at all split over being hijacked in my own head.
  • I discovered the reasons behind my delayed processing and switching back and forth between numb and angst, which I think is a big part of my time disorientation.
  • My husband is a saint for getting through all this with me.
And now we move on.

I'm currently a tech-mod on a game server, which saves me from getting into trouble all over the medias. I sometimes feel incredibly guilty that I dropped the ball on Lexxing, which was my passion and my joy. I don't feel guilty at all that I have once again run through a few friends, but I think the left each other hanging part is mutual. I'm recovering my house after nearly 3 years of two families living here (7 years of continual rescues and assistance since the pregnancy), and I'm going on 16 years since the big brain crash.

That. Writing is much easier now. I never stopped writing, even when I had to wear sunglasses and could barely construct a few sentences in a whole day. It's been 8 years since I went public about that. It takes time to heal nerve damage, and the brain is nerve central.

I'm currently consumed with the Gotham series, on my 5th rewatch. That is quite the study.