nobody but my shadow

Something I saved from Facebook 

Omydod, my shoulder team is awesome. Pain level is already coming down markedly again and I'm only 2 days in.

So where I'm at lately is realizing all the weird stuff that creeps me out is actually coming from my own head. Like the way I get a flash of eyes looking at me just before I fall asleep, and for years I felt like I was being remote viewed. Once I decided my own brain was sending me signals to LOOK at something in myself, it stopped. I've been bringing up the eyes across blogs for years.

Yes, it's possible outside forces pry into my mind (I'm not alone wondering this, many people feel invaded), but once I decided that my brain was clever enough to bait me with puzzles, I realized *I* am the puzzle. The answers aren't out there somewhere. They're inside me.

So that quite possibly means that the poor souls who got caught in my headlights (and made my life miserable, as it were) were really just an extension of my own misunderstandings. If I had understood in the first place, I'd never have interacted. But that was how I learned, wasn't it?

And that makes it even easier to own the messes I made of my life at various times. Yes, I'm difficult. I own that. But I also walked away and chose not to be a criminal, a loser, a whiner, a blamer, a user, or mean.

It's been hard reconciling that I fall hard and take things so personally without realizing what I dish out myself, and then depression swallows me up about what went wrong. It's been hard not understanding. But even living so mixed up like that, I still chose to try again, learn new things, be better.

The oddest thought recently was the possibility of my history of falling so hard was really me falling for something inside myself and displacing that onto... victims? Do I really do that?

I think it's entirely possible.