I think I'm finally done figuring this out, hopefully

I think my poor body has finally adjusted to the 3/4 reduction in my daily coffee. That's rough. Still sticking to 1/4 to 1/2 cup a day now.

So continuing my thought from 'victims', I think it's been obvious to everyone but me that I crave and push 'love' through readership, even though I literally spelled it out in 2013, wherein I point out that "Twitter is a polyamorist's dream come true". I am super ace in my real life, I am a self professed blog whore on the internet. Words and readership replace the give and take in what probably looks like (to Freud) a very promiscuous (metaphorically) attempt at filling a void.

One of my driving forces for wording is very much like the way sex chemicals work in the brain. On a really good word day, I get a sort of runner's high and reel away floating around the house, and on a really really good word day (rare), I wind up aroused even though I may not have written a single thing actually alluding to sex or relationships.

I've talked about my aspie/autist childhood stim compulsions on Autisable. There needs no more explanation than that.

So brain chemicals are my forte. I have swum in horrible anxiety cocktails all my life, and I can say from pure experience that even as an adult, I have facepalmed through the weirdest abrupt situations imaginable as I've managed to steer through very public spontaneous completely out of the blue orgasms simply because my brain has been floating in a mixed up chemical sea since birth.

Here's What Happens to Your Body And Brain When You Orgasm

I really think the reason I'm so ace is because I don't connect all those dots correctly. So that means I don't emotionally hook up correctly, either. I don't develop those concentric circles of relationships that sociologists map out, and I don't understand why I can't do relationships right.

So I live my life feeling very empty, despite actually having loved ones around me in various family roles, a few friends here and there, and I push filling it with making connections through stats in readership. I put out words, I see response happen, I feel like connections happened (don't worry, I don't 'get off' on that). I think the component of feeling driven to produce words to read is about needing to connect somehow, because I feel so disconnected emotionally from everyone around me.

Coming back to my thought from yesterday, I seek out 'victims' with click bait. 😂

Metaphorically, I get into other people's minds and want to possess their attention with my own mind. It has taken me forever to figure out the narcissism part of my diagnosis. Logically, autist wants to know, right.

And along the way, I have been discovering that I'm also metaphorically lethal, toxic, and all those other fun words related to narcissism.

As far as Lexxperience goes- "Slow and painful, it shall be!" 😘