Told ya. On a bender. I'm not a Hallmark or Lifetime kind of TV watcher, but here I am, bawling my eyes out for the second day straight while I watch other people role play things I haven't yet processed through in my real life. Movie after movie, processing.
I once had to take a stress evaluation test in a college class and scored higher than everyone else. I was like up in the 90s, normal was something like below 20. Part of the evaluation was ticking boxes on a list of stressors, and I had ticked all but one. No one else in that class even ticked over half of those.
Stress is something I have always shoved to the side, practically from birth. My list of stressors has my PTSD evaluation surging into dangerous levels. I've spent my life shut down so I don't overdose or dramatically splat myself or zoom into some kind of deranged blitz of destroying everyone around me.
And I'm watching people dealing on TV.
I started a list once of basic stressors that have piled up all my life. The only thing not on that list, as far as I can remember (outside of anything military or war related), is childhood rape, although something in particular that I experienced at a very young age comes extremely close to that. The pain was horribly real. I often wonder about childhood traumas going through very painful medical procedures. Imagine the trauma of going through that at home, where you are supposed to be safe.
I think a lot of people go through things that we never talk about.
I'm always amazed how well people can talk things out on TV, how quickly a story can walk through the psychological maze. I feel like I grew up on a very different kind of planet than what I see on TV.
Taking stress tests online aren't that helpful. My scores aren't as bad as they used to be, but I'm still high enough to be within a defcon range. PTSD screening is better than stress screening online, a little more realistic but still inadequate in my opinion. I felt a little desperate last April, and although that level of tension has come down a bit as I've gotten through April and June a bit better this year than years previous, I can't even imagine what it's like without having very high levels of PTSD throughout one's life.
This is me cleaning off my second med this summer. The last of my cerebral cushioning, as it were. Long term low dose numbing buffers helping me control mood problems through high levels of pain. Welp, time to graduate. Years of work and the pain levels are finally down enough now to deal head on, and the assessment and maintenance I've learned through years of counseling are part my personal toolkit now. It's up to me to keep moving forward, resolving and reconciling, continuing to decide who I am and who I want to be.
Pinky has been elated lately. I can feel her in the background singing to Jacky. After so many years of fighting for control and struggling against frustrations, it's really cute to watch. Integration finally started through the spring, tentatively sticking out a toe, minor stand offs, practicing diplomacy with myself in my own head. At least we've reached a place where we can share a discussion and negotiate terms, even agree on a few things. Some things will probably always be a problem, but at least we're not fighting for control any more.
This has been a long time coming. I imagine most people don't go through this level of intensity when they say they can't make up their minds... 😂 If you're new to me, this.
I never expected integrating to feel like this. While other fans dream on, I'm just simply in my head getting to know myself. Pinky loves this song, and it makes Jacky happy to feel this from Pinky. I've never felt happy with myself before.
*cri* 😠And then we both laugh. Pinky is silly.
:edit: As today's movie ends, I realize that we all need to take turns grieving, and so I go through the process all over again and again over time through 6-7 different points of view that I know of. No wonder this has been so hard.
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