what is wrong with you

You cannot see smiles or have your smile be seen
You are marked dangerous without cause
You aren't in control of your own destiny
You are judged immediately from a distance
This is worse than racism, sexism, and all the other isms ever invented

Ok, so here's how it's sifting out. We've been having quite the argument in my head that this was supposed to be the fun blog, or at least more fun, and it's turning into a catchall bin. So far votes are looking like dissociative developments might go on Pinknado, but we're still arguing over the other blogs. Janika blog went deep think and minecraft (bizarre combo), PinkyGuerrero is a mess that can't be recovered (tagging got way out of hand), Pinky is dangling weirdly, spaz and surveypalooza very badly need updates, anything Lexxperience (now branched into 4 different blogger blogs) has got to get more organized. In the meantime, Basically Clueless was the closest I ever got to literal daily honesty, and it was so painful I had to jump ship there. All the other blogs were just me keeping my balance in a head full of confusing chaos.

There was a day awhile back where some pouting was going on in my head after a psychologist visit that pretty much went "Why don't I ever get to say anything", and Pinky and Jacky both said Well, say something next time. Boy, howdy. Kinda had an outburst going in the last session, suddenly flooded with memories from about age 11-13 and blustering about I didn't even want to be human, and there it came, and the rest of us didn't stop it. It was spontaneous and uncoordinated and raw. I normally keep that squelched down pretty much daily. As an autistic child I wasn't allowed meltdowns, and was always punished in a variety of ways for crying until finally around 7 I pretty much stopped crying nearly at all, for pretty much decades. Well, that poor child wants out now, apparently.

Anyway, despite this blog name, this is a Jacky home, and Jacky seems to allow when Pinky filters through handling tough situations, and then more moralistic and ethical Pinky fights for more control. Lotta headbutting going on inside my head, again for clarity, daily. Jacky pushed Pinky off into Pinknado a couple days ago, and now we're sorting ourselves.

I think Pinky used to let 'the kids' play on #pinkyblog, kind of like allowing silly along with deeper thoughts, and we all liked that, but we can't seem to go back to that now. That was a survival mechanism before all the secrets came out.

Well, not all the secrets are actually out yet, but it's starting to get easier handling the emotions coming and going out of the blue now that I can see them as age variant reactions to something triggering them. I'm becoming less stringent about self monitoring and squelching and more tolerant and forgiving feeling yanked off course. I think I'm learning to share space.

Guess we'll see where this goes. One of me is very pissed off, and I don't think it's a good idea just letting that one loose on a blog, much less anywhere else. This is about as far as it squeezes out of the cracks I've bolted over.