afoot

 

Everyone (in my teeny tiny circle) is talking about the synchronicity of me being on the verge of blowing up into overactive thyroid just in time to take on a whole month of round the clock nonstop baby care and household chores this summer, and then making it home in time for a full cardio team to catch me exploding into hypertensive crisis just in time. My latest self education research is all about mental stress induced ischemia, which is basically blood flow restriction in response to psychological stress. Here is a handy article I found if you are interested.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/04/160403195916.htm 👈 click

I have the capability, which I've talked about before, of cutting my feelings completely off while I go handle very big things, and it's called delayed emotional response. It's been automatic since I was a kid. I have been learning over a few years to process a steady trickle of backlog to the point where I can now sometimes actually experience emotions in real time other than a hard irksome resistance that irritates other people, and I am able to feel more in the moment with my family. But sometimes when something big and hard comes at me very fast, I have the conscious option to simply flick a switch and shut all that off, thanks in part to a variety of childhood challenges that resulted in a sort of kaleidoscopic way of dealing in the now, like handing off a challenge to another part of me more capable of dealing, and then sliding back in when the challenge has passed. I've been learning how to 'share' memories on the inside so I don't compartmentalize like the old days, so I'm able to remember better than simply from a detached back seat driver state of mind.

More simply put, it was extremely fortuitous that I was physically able to stand in for my kiddo while she was dealing with the extremely challenging realization that she was meeting her mortality face to face with time rapidly ticking down until there were minutes to spare, according to the surgeon who worked on her. It was extremely beneficial that I didn't have to deal with having emotional meltdowns while her life hung in the balance, and it was so extremely handy that I was able to accomplish all this when she needed me the most, despite decades of fail and faceplant on my part.

She's ok, thank God.

So now I've been home about 4 weeks and it's time to pay the piper, as they say. 

I am learning that troponin levels can be associated with mental stress. Troponin is what they check to confirm heart attacks. I'm learning that a lifetime of mild troponin response from stress can be as damaging as an actual blood clot or other crisis related to heart disease. I'm obviously finding out what a lifetime default of 'fight or flight' does to people as they age, and now it's my turn to pay attention and hopefully get this smoothed out. (This seems unrelated to last January when I kept not breathing in my sleep until I nearly couldn't wake up and breathe at all. That isn't happening now.)

So this week several cardiologists apparently had a little conference about what to do with me, and then the nurses strongly encouraged me to hang out with them long enough to accept adapting to being on 3 blood pressure meds now (I would not have been compliant if I'd chosen to go home), since my emotional response can override anything anyone throws at me, including actual sedation, as seen in past events. I have such a strong fight or flight response, even after years of being coached down from a lifetime of high anxiety, that even on a day I think is going great and has been very peaceful, thank you delayed response, I can suddenly experience my chest, neck, and head going so tight that I have work just to breathe. I'm sure crashing down off my thyroid pills didn't help. The cardiologists strongly advised me to never do that again. Joke's on them, they never saw the 2012 crisis where I was supervised completely off it for longer than that just to keep me out of a hospital with the blood pressures I was dealing with, thanks to 2 decades of birth control screwing up other vital hormones.

Funny how none of this happened while we were all in actual in the moment crisis. I literally shoved everything aside and stepped up and super controlled all that while I needed to. I am very strong willed that way. (The story I tell of my dad pulling me out of ER right after a nasty accident is pretty telling of the way I can steel my will when I 'hand off' to another part of me.)

But now it's time to recover. I'm an old person again with palpitations galore that freak me out when I'm home alone for hours. Scott said I might need to start smoking pot, but I really don't wanna go that far. I'm not the best candidate for wise decision making even when I'm on top of my game, so I don't think getting a bit wasted is a good idea.

I guess the goal now is to relax. 😂😂😂 I may have to talk to my primary about chill pills. She's allowing me to keep a xanax prescription for lack of anything I'd be compliant on, and even these I break in half. I just really hate the idea of putting on weight, you know? I've lost 8 pounds so far during all this, and I vehemently do not want to put that back on. Meds are horrible for weight gain, and after years of handfuls of meds and finally slowly working my way off them and then working the weight back down over several more years, last thing I want is an anxiety pill making me eat like I'm on pot... *rolling my eyes*

👉 Every nervous giphy you could ever need or want 👈 click

And I don't even have any news on, lol. 😄

Distraction time.

In case you are wondering, as I do, whether directed radiation or even just electronics in general can hype up your thyroid, here you go.

The Effect of Electromagnetic Radiation due to Mobile Phone Use on Thyroid Function in Medical Students Studying in a Medical College in South India

I'm sure you could find more information along those lines. Interesting that I wasn't affected away from my home, though. Just have to keep saying that.