Sometimes I'm not aware of what is triggering me and it all sneaks up and suddenly I hear myself telling myself something like "There are only 8 days from Dad's birthday to Mom's death day." (They're both gone.)
And then I'm surprised, like how could I not even realize what day it is? I had realized about an hour earlier that I've already completely missed my daughter's anniversary and her husband's birthday this month, and it hasn't been a full month since I got back from Texas.
So I'm losing time real bad again, apparently, and not sure why but I almost had a weepy meltdown at appt with my primary today (before I heard myself tell myself the countdown in the parking lot afterward), and I must've been really obvious because my primary talked me into a prescription for anxiety, very low dose buspar. Which I tried years ago and another doctor pulled me off after 3 days because I I was so fabulous on it that I very nearly called a customer a bitch with a big gracious smile on my face. I have no filter on buspar, but if I'm remembering the medication right, my family loved me on it and was sorry to see it go away so quickly. Years later I finally realize it's not pills that scare me, it's that I dissociate without warning, and that makes it feel like I have no control over my life when I'm on anything.
At any rate, parts of my head seem to be openly and sometimes very abruptly communicating with me nowadays, and maybe it's time now to really try something that'll knock the PTSD out of the way.
And now, for some reason, I'm watching an old Kristi McNichol movie on Tubi (Only When I Laugh), never saw it before and never planned to, and I recall that I've been randomly remembering old Hayley Mills movies all week, as well.
Something about my new blood pressure pill breaking through all the recent hyperthyroid hypertension has really busted open something in my head. I have no idea where this is going. I just know one of me inside my head was very relieved we were getting a prescription to try, and I know that because I actually felt that and the other reactions at the same time. I've been super pill phobic for years, thanks to a series of doctors throwing pills at me for years without properly monitoring or following up and all kinds of things going wrong. All I can say is since I met this doctor last summer, everything in my life has been getting better and better, and it's getting easier and easier to trust her. I could have avoided a lot of stuff I'm going through right now if I'd allowed her to talk me into more changes earlier on. She saw all this coming. She didn't say that or rub it in or anything, but she never dismissed me, either, like a couple doctors I've had who kept throwing opioid and head pills at me instead of readjusting meds I was already on for legitimate physical and mental complications created by the meds not being dosed properly.
This movie is making me cry. Maybe next time I'll look for That Darn Cat or something.
You guys know I blog out in the open so my psychologist can keep an eye on me if he wants to, right, because I can't go back, there is too much dissent in my head. I'm sure some of you picked up on this last year.
I bet Joker's dad was really a Mennonite who ran away from his family over secrets he took to the grave. And I bet his mom took even more secrets to her grave. I bet Batman could learn a lot from Joker's childhood.
I openly blog all my secrets, and now my kid is publishing a series of zombie stories. I like my kid, she turned out really cool in spite of me.
"I believe whatever doesn't kill you makes you... stranger." Wonder if Joker's dad smothered him to death to make the screams stop while he was hurting him and then resuscitated him.
I know a few people might not ever forgive me for saying stuff like that.
No comments:
Post a Comment