What is your nemesis?

   

                                                                   

No, not the twitter account, lol. That is still perm suspended. 💣

Everything is falling into place.

So right off the bat, lemme just shrug off another really hard year with HAHAHAHA I figured out soooo many secrets n stuff. There's been a big shift lately, I'm doing fantastic compared to everything that's come before, and I seem to be past this hurdle of feeling locked out of myself via the dissociated mes not agreeing on who what where when why. (my personal mapping project)

Not sure what happened but ye olde brain is ON, and so much stuff in going on now it feels like I'm skating across galaxies compared to the crawling up a mountain from the olden days. I''m still a bit dyslexic with numbers, and I still make weird mistakes, but suddenly I'm able to remember things I couldn't remember in YEARS. Like where I put something, literally ten years ago.

*badass*

So the first biggie is this validation 👇 and those of you who watched me struggling for 18+ YEARS in public blogs with feeling like a cosmic target (I've been documenting that not only do I get completely interrupted every time my head clears and I can focus, it goes so far as people dropping dead. It's been wildly ridiculous.), this clicked into place and my entire world spun a little into a whole different position on how I'm perceiving, looking at, and dealing with 'incoming' and it's been a big load of relief.

And then I ran into this older thing. Tom Kenyon » The Art of Jumping Time Lines 

THAT HELPED. Because I was saying it felt like the minute I would realize I was having a good day and actually enjoying myself feeling good about what I was doing, which was relatively rare, the phone calls would come in from all directions, crises piled up, and I'm not kidding about people dying and the riptides shoving other worlds aside to affect mine. Reg-u-lar-ly. These were not normal and the timing was always extremely precise and I won't go into details without compromising loved ones. I felt like I had a cosmic target painted on my back. Now I understand why. 

Before I started public blogging I made the decision to keep it focused on me and my own interpretations of life so I wouldn't be dragging around and dredging up loads of negativity into my weird spotlight. Behind the scenes, though, the negativity in people all around me felt like I was drowning in anger and sometimes rather vicious vitriol. I learned many things about stepping back from other people's stuff because it's not my stuff, protecting my privacy (and theirs) even while I was committed to remaining public, and separating myself and my own personal growth from their ruts and misadventures. Compared to many around me, I'm practically able to walk on water, not because I'm worthy or righteous, but because I learned how to live and let live. It was hard and took time, but my own health crash one year was so bad that it felt like negative emotions alone would finish killing me.

From what I can tell, and this possibly goes back to The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, we are all so interconnected that it doesn't take much to pull here, push there, set up a string of events and start the domino, many ways to bump people off paths for reasons.

And how is that done? Well, if you clicked that timeline link up there, you can see how. Because we are focused on something, we bring it to ourselves. We, ourselves, are like magnets for what we dread, what we hate, what annoys us, because we are focused on these things, we react to these things. So the oddity of me feeling very irked at someone calling or texting coming right on top of being right on the verge of something yuge getting done in my life is really me creating that target on my back. Solution? Ignore the phone when I'm working on something. Avoid that feeling of irk altogether. Stop juggling so many things at once. Prioritize my focus on what I feel is important to ME. Pretty sure after years of dropping everything I'm doing for other people's whims and crises, it's really not selfish of me not to be available on a dime for someone needing a little light entertainment or a place to vent or freak out. I know I've done that to a few people myself a few times, but by far and large, most of my biggest challenges have been handled alone because others weren't available or interested. And that is how it's supposed to be. I'm not saying that's how everyone is supposed to be, I'm saying that's how it's supposed to be FOR ME. The strongest theme running through my entire life is how alone I've been handling extremely challenging events that include imminent threat to my health and safety. Because I've been alone through so much, I've had some extremely deep ongoing discussions with God, years of deep thinks about how everything works and the miseries we all go through, and developed, weirdly, given the severe PTSD and anxiety I've suffered, a very good meditation method that allows me to control being able to stay conscious and functional under extreme duress. For ME and my personal growth, this has apparently been ideal.

So looking back at the snip up there about my timeline being broken by interruptions wanting me to share time over their own dramas (which I'm not invalidating, we all suffer) being a 'devil in the shade' (behind the scenes) makes sense to me. I could care less about a real devil, the point is that I've been allowing other people to knock me off my personal path repeatedly.

Shallow case in point, I'm very good at creating my own patterns of beautiful crochet and beaded earrings among other creative things, and I've spent years NOT creating beautiful things. I'm not really using other people as the excuse, but from the viewpoint of other people wanting my time over my own spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical health (weekly, daily), I was doing myself a disservice. I know it seems like the correct thing to 'be there' for others, but it was excessive to the point of my own life never being caught up, and that can really wear on a person. I am coming to realize that I'm a much nicer person in general when I shut the phone off and wander through my days my own way. I don't mind helping people at all, mom used to say I bring home strays and I really can't help it, but I do it to the point of detriment to my own health.

Self care is very important. Rest is very important. Taking some time to go inside my own self and recentering is very important. Trying to do that with migraines from putting myself aside for every person wanting an hour or more of my time doesn't work very well. I don't heal. My own path becomes corrupted, my own priorities get dumped, and I wind up filling up with negative feelings and thoughts while I feel like I'm behind or drowning in other people's stuff.

So I spent a little time this last week refocusing on who and where I want to be. I want to be in a happier place where I feel good about living my life. I want to stop feeling distracted by other people's negativity. Does this mean I should ignore everyone? No, it means I need to choose how I'm handling my own priorities. I need to choose what kind of path I'm walking on. I'm the queen of dissociating from my own self, why am I so involved in other people's emotions? The key to my own functional health is not getting entangled in other people's emotions and refocusing back on my own stuff. I need to get off my own delayed processing train before the train crashes.

So the "devil's" success in subverting me is me being easily distracted. I'm owning this. Every 2 or 3 years I have to deal with refocusing, but this year I'm picking up on the mechanism behind how this works. Whether we are conscious of this life processing or not might not matter, what matters is that we check in with ourselves and not allow distractions to subvert us. Each of us has a life calling of some kind, and mine is to write. When I'm not writing, I'm out of sorts. When I'm out of sorts, I'm not good for anyone. When I'm not good for other people I feel like fail. When I feel like that I wind up in a depression cycle. When I'm in a depression cycle I get snappy and then I dislike myself intensely. Once I've reached that point, I'm miserable with weird self inflictions. The only way out of my funk is to step back, go inside myself, and just let go of everything. Just float into talking to God. I know I don't bring that up much, but it really does work. Me and God, nothing else, no one else.

My life is about ME. Each person should be realizing that same thing, that each of our points of view are exactly what we are here for, not for what other people think we should be here for. We are experiencing from unique perspectives and learning very big things about problem solving and loving each other unconditionally. When we go off our unique paths, we wind up missing this.

One more thing, not really related.

We were all babies first getting here. We are all precious and special from birth. Those of us who forget that need to remember it. Those who traffic in buying and selling babies and children and cover that up with mainstream media fear porn distractions and anything else are a cancer in this world. The cancer is eating up the world, distracting us a thousand times a day in so many ways that we can't even comprehend. The medias interrupting us with obsessions and anxieties over anything less than that and then pelting us with ads for shopping are messing our minds up to the point where most people feel helpless to handle their personal challenges and are mentally crippled in how to think through solving them. The domino effect is so pervasive in all our lives now that a person either has to be able to stay extremely focused or just walk away from all that to regain any kind of control over their own lives. No wonder we feel the need to dump our anxieties and angers all over each other.

I could easily slide into more but it's late (for me, anyway), laptop is nearly dead, and I can come back to this another time. 

If you could go back in time and do yourself a favor, what would you do for you? I think I would have sat and crocheted with myself to get my mind off things after my divorce from my first husband (abusive, mentally ill, pedophile) instead of blowing my paychecks on alcohol and every magazine under the sun with Van Halen pix in it, which I papered my entire bedroom wall with. I think a bunch of colored yarn becoming pretty things would have made me feel way better than all that running away into mess after mess after mess.

My favorite meme in the whole world. Those who know, know.

Nemesis by H.P. Lovecraft