organizing a weird little social gathering, perhaps

Pinky has been fighting hard to get out last couple weeks and I won't let her. I'm still trying to figure my own side of things out, it's my turn to be out. I let her cry a few seconds and pushed her back again.

No more sabotage. It's my turn.

Ok, let's see if I can word it out. She's better with the wording, obviously, but I need to think.

When Pinky is out, she doesn't understand what I'm thinking. I want to think together but she's selfish, wants to think her way.

I was the one who got us away from our first husband after she panicked and broke through. I reasoned out the escape. I'm the one who played chess with Dad. I'm the one who solves problems logistically, but I can't do it if emotional Pinky is in the way.

I'm the one who eventually pokes through with solutions but I never cared to stay out and take over. But it's time to solve the biggest problem now, ME. All the mes. How do we work together? Without fighting for control? How do we hear and listen to each other?

We've been hearing each other for years, but it felt confusing or tangled up. Now it's starting to untangle and make sense. We need to stop ignoring and undermining each other. Even the 'scary one' needs us to listen, although that has obviously been breaking through into blogs, at least obvious to me, maybe not so much to Pinky.

Pinky loves people. The scary one wants to hurt people. Another is afraid of people. I'm not. I don't care what people think. I don't feel anything for them except in the way of acceptance that people exist around me, and we negotiate interactions. I like Pinky, and I like that she's fond of 'her people', but I am the cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me (Kipling). Shes not the boss unless we need the interface.

I'm out now, and I'm going to stay out while we learn to work on solving this. I usually prefer being inside so I can be left alone to think, but the rest seem too rattled to not make a mess of this summer.

I'm the one who found the money. I didn't hide it. I'm going to go put it into the bank today.

Yablo is driving me crazy mocking the scary one (they seem to be friends somehow), so here you go, have fun with this song getting stuck in your head, too.