About Me

 

I've been (encouraged not to / fussed at for) identifying as mentally ill. That is like telling people to shut up about their cancer / heart condition / headaches, etc.

Sooner or later I will embarrass or infuriate anyone who tries to love or care about me, and it's not intentional, but it is inevitable. I usually cannot stop this from happening, even if I am cognizant of it. I do try.

Being a dissociated person and still being responsible for things going wrong and off track is a very big challenge. I apparently sabotage myself to the point where I feel more comfortable calling emergency response to my house than calling a neighbor for a 5 minute chat. Emergency responders have notes on me and talk me down very quickly. I wish regular people knew how to do that, or cared enough to learn.

I'm not a dumb person. I've been told I'm very smart, extremely intelligent, IQ through the roof (my disability lawyer said that), and a beautiful mind. But I still do outrageously stupid things and often forget what day I'm in and constantly get mundane things mixed up. I can't follow simple directions unless it's something like properly following steps for clearing a retail store in the event of a fire, or properly alerting a hotel full of guests of imminent tornado threat. You can count on me to save your life (I saved a girl bleeding into her lungs in a car accident when I was first on the scene), but I might not know which Walmart I'm shopping in or what's on TV tonight because I can't remember which day it is.

Being bipolar on top of being dissociated on top of being autist is a daily roller coaster that I dread dragging other people through, so I don't ask for help or attention except from my husband. He's my godsend.

Most people who've met me have no clue and sometimes vehemently deny I have these problems because I seem so 'normal'. I'm not sure what they think I'm supposed to seem like. Some people, on the other hand, clue in very quickly with a vibe or a feeling about me, and they'd like to reach out somehow, but I'm usually too distracted or confused to get that.

Most of the time I'm ok. I'm not very good at self pity and I really suck at worrying, so I'm usually deep diving into some kind of research or gaming or doing TV review writeups or cooking something yummy or feeding my chickens. Being easily distracted, as it turns out, is a good characteristic to have on hand.

I fight with myself nearly every single day not to delete everything off the internet again, after I actually did that one year. I sometimes wonder if that is why a few Lexx fans and a handful of other people out there around the planet so religiously check on some of my blogs, but I don't obsess about it because everything falls out of my head in about 5 minutes flat and I'm already doing something else. I do try to check in at least several times a week on a blog or social media somewhere so anyone can see I'm ok and what is going on with me, because I'm notoriously difficult to get hold of on email, in messages, or on the phone. If things get chatty, I abruptly disappear for awhile like a freaked out octopus, so it's not you, it's me.

One of my motivations for continuing to stay public is that through all the years I combed the internet looking for anyone and anything out there who could get me through another long sleepless night, I've learned how valuable that is, and I want to be part of helping people. Once in awhile I see via stat trackers that someone spends hours reading everything I've ever written, and I know they know what that feels like.

None of us are ever really alone. It only feels like it sometimes. If no one else has said this to you today or lately or ever in your whole life, I love you.