neuropsychowhat?

I know this is annoying. Didn't know if Germany would get jealous because I said hi to Romania in the last post, so here you go, hello Germany. This appears to be a general site link, not a specific post, so that means the latest post seen at page opening wasn't counted specifically, but that was what I linked in particular around that time. This is pertinent since I rarely link out to social medias any more.

I've been told that people go "Oh, I know her, I've read her stuff" when I come up in convo. To this day I'm amazed that Pinky blog is more popular than my Lexx fan blog. I don't know how to feel about that, so I just walk away for the hundredth time and let it drop out of my head.

The cavity fix yesterday went well. One interesting thing that happened during the fix was I could tell my nervousness was up a bit since gabapentin tapering, forgot what that used to be like. Numb shot went on the old trigeminal neuralgia side, and the nervousness calmed right down after that, first time that's ever happened during many years of being a nervous wreck, so it was like seeing a direct correlation between that nerve affecting general mood behavior now that I've been on gabapentin long enough to feel the difference in real nerve pain and real time mood. I've spent my entire adult life without that validation while we've been untangling physical injury pain from a genuine mood diagnosis. I got so relaxed after being numbed that I felt like I could ignore the dentist and take a nap while he worked, something that's never happened before in my life during any medical procedure. And once I was in that calm state, nothing bothered me at all. Since I've been in flat effect Jacky mode again, I'm thinking this Jacky taking over thing is serious. I was so detached, it was glorious. Incidentally, the hygienist there had to come over to me and comment on the personality change, said it was the first time she hasnt seen me wracked with tension.

Lol, I just noticed that last post published weird with a 'read more' thingy. I've never done that on purpose. No idea how I even did it.

Anyway, very surprised there isn't a big fibro backfire in my neck and jaw, as well, usually have a horrible day or two after holding a fixed position for an hour like that. Interesting... Kinda lending more credence to the neuropsychoimmunology thing. 

Oh, I set a jump break on that post. Not a clue how, unless it happened while I was working on phone from the couch and it slipped and I probably hit the screen grabbing it. *** Ta-da! I fixed it.

I'm back at the eye clinic for my yearly, now that I've gone a couple weeks past the visit checking for infection and winding up with allergy eye drops. Sitting in the car reading some more on consciousness densities. Thinking I might go back to plastic frames if I need a new pair.

~~~~~~~~~

The eye doctor that I've known for years also commented on my personality change. That's two unrelated validations from professionals who've known me for years. See, I can't tell from the inside how I look on the outside. No matter the mode I'm in, I'm pretty oblivious to how I think people perceive me, thank you autism spectrum. So apparently Jacky is rightfully irked at having been squashed down so hard by Pinky for so long. Years.

And I am getting new glasses. Jacky hates these. And then I came home and whacked my hair off because Walmart had a 3 hour wait line.

Had more stuff but I'm gonna hop off. 

characters

Watching Scott install security cams

I've been trying to put a finger on what is making it hard to get to the point with my psychologist, and it dawned on me he's too polite. He's not brutal enough to hotseat me, which would probably trigger every fight system I have in me, which is actually what I've been trying to say for years- I like it rough. I like the pain, the torture, the hate that surges up when I go into fight mode. I know the consequences of flaring that up in short one hour bursts might not seem ideal to him, especially given some of the volatile things I've said, but Jacky is a rip the bandaid off kind of person. Some of the subject material being extremely sensitive only vexes me more, though, and even though I'm known for doing the chess dance drawing out the game, it's still a game. Pretty sure I had my first psychotic break in my teens and I've spent years trying to figure this out both on my own and asking for help. That is probably why I said yes when he asked if I felt disingenuous. I don't feel. Pretending I care is the hardest part of the game for me. I'm sure Pinky would love to stomp that back into the hole it comes from, but it's not Pinky's turn any more.

Unfortunately, I need to cancel this week for other reasons, but maybe one day we'll either figure all that out or just call it a stalemate.

Meanwhile, went through another control fight this last week and everyone is bolted down while Jacky plans out the rest of the month. The gabapentin taper stalled out last month, back on it now. Nearly a week into completely  stopping the morning dose. I'm down to 100 mg at night now. Seem to be doing ok with it. Quick refresher, Jacky is the one who put the care team together in 2008 and started cleaning off the meds and created the one, three, and five year goals plan to get healthier. If mental care assessment is coming under Jacky scrutiny now...

Finally starting dental work today. Discovered a real cavity (for once) last February and scheduled that for March, and thanks to the stupid covid lockdown, that got rescheduled twice and I've gone 4 months now with a cavity, in the upper very back where it's hard to reach, and I'm hoping it hasn't advanced to anything horrible like root canal or removal. Tomorrow I finally get my yearly eye exam, and at the end of the month I finally get the ENT scoping my vocal chords like I had scheduled in March. I've been losing my voice since January, and this is an area that was watched for cancer a few years ago, so I'm going to be super pissed if I wind up on another cancer watch or screening that was initially set back for months because of the stupid lockdown. End of the month is also my yearly CPAP check, and I'm very pleased to say, thanks to Jacky grinding on this all spring, my goals for 70/70/70 (30 days, 90 days, 365 days percent usage) after a really bad year barely scraping into the medicare pays based on compliance zone, I've brilliantly overshot those goals at 80/80/70 now.

There are very few people I have managed not to lose in some way. Maybe wanting or daring my psychologist to slug this out with me isn't a good idea, though it might be a little late coming to this conclusion. Maybe I should have stuck to the TV reviewing. I seem to keep finding myself while I'm getting lost in characters. 

From my Lexxperience blog-

After that, I realized I have some pretty deep feelings associated with Lexx that I don’t really talk about. I’ve been called a Lexx super nerd by a number of people and I’ve never said why I’m so attached to this show. So here it is, the way Lexx found and pushed all my buttons and why I think Lexx is good for the world. I don’t like to talk about my ‘stuff’, and I’m sure I’ll come across as a weirdo to some people when I say it. But fans of any show know that the characters and events that happen in a show can become symbolic of personal stuff, and as we displace our emotions into the stories, we unconsciously learn to deal with our own stuff. Stories give us situations to think about, characters give us relationships to relate to. As we become more involved in a show, we become more emotionally invested.

what you don't see buried under all the distraction

click pic to learn more about Harley's Fun Gun

That lazy ice cream I made a couple days ago froze up great, but it was so sweet I could barely eat more than a couple spoons at a time. Also, sweet frozen whipping cream is a beautiful experience but there's no way my liver can take that much fat. Today I turned the pint (2 cups) of whipping cream into half a pint, then added two cups of evaporated milk to make 3 total cups of ice cream instead of just 2. Stirred in a can of sweetened condensed milk and I think that nailed it for a better sweet and fat ratio. No whipping, no churning, just poured it into freezable containers. I imagine from there I can practice with flavors, but I'm easy to please. The only problem with the way this batch turned out is with way less fat I got ice crystals, which I'm sure some of you saw coming, so next time I'm going to try diluting a whole pint of whipping cream with a cup of evap milk and see if that makes it more fun (the original goal being to cut the sweet, which was markedly improved this time). I imagine I could drag out one of my electric churners, not that big of a deal, but then it's not as lazy as I'd like.

I'm in a bit of limbo about a few things, so maybe I'll share a few things I screenshotted on my phone.

Wow, I'm being pre-checked again before I can even preview. That reminds me, I got confirmation today from someone on facebook that a post I made very early this morning took 8 hours to put out a notification in their feed, and they saw the timestamp as 8 hours later. They thought I had literally just posted it. That tells you how very heavily shadowbanned I am on facebook, really surprised my account hasn't been removed by now. This is the reason I dropped out of friending and pushing interaction buttons, so y'all don't get messed with just because you know me, like I was messed with during the big Russian bot bans across social medias because I'm actually connected to Russian Lexx fans. I've also been accused of being a Russian hacker, which I find kinda funny, but not funny enough to risk losing a social media account I've had for years, in case some of you wonder what the heck happened to me. I see people lose accounts DAILY. Yes, I'm still out there, watching people losing accounts because free speech is gone. You can post all you want about porn and killing people and hate speech as long as you are on the right side of politics. Anyone thinking the people I hang out with are the bad guys, you have no idea what we're up against just trying to keep up discussions about stopping human trafficking. It's really sad that topic slides by so much and no one protests for kids disappearing by the millions in the U.S. over the last couple decades. I've seen stuff that will make most people too sick to eat or sleep for days, but they'd rather pretend everything is ok and that cop killing is fine as long as you still have 9-1-1 to fall back on in your own neighborhood. Do you know how many cops have been murdered since the riots started? Look into that. It's shocking how buried that is getting on mainstream news.

Back to finding screenshots on my phone.

Hi, Romania. I think someone linked a post I made about getting a nerve conduction test.

Guess I'm not the only one who read 1984. I'm the only person I know in real life that has read all 3 books. If you're going wut, I suggest you go find that and read ALL of it, because we're there, guys. If you don't believe it, you are seriously not as woke as you think you are.

I watched this next account get taken down live, but it bounced back really fast because so many people went after Jack about it. I have tweets with thousands of impressions, but I normally don't see that in most of my feed. I think I got this ss because I was so surprised it jumped that fast in such a short time.

I grabbed screenshots of the tweets in my feed asap just in case it all went *poof*, and sure enough, it poofed within a minute of that pic getting posted. I checked to make sure it wasn't simply private, it wasn't there at all.

Here is the account in case you wanna check it out. I'm not going to link it if it's that volatile.

This is real. He came back and we all wanna know why Jack is sitting on this account and slamming it down so hard. Is JFKJr really alive? And the feed was crazy, clearly the guy got doxxed by a hacker and had to pack up and relocate immediately. I got a bunch of screenshots of all that, really wild stuff.

I thought this looked cool.

Any idea what's up with this big guy? He's been pointed out in other photos around POTUS, too.

I'm losing steam. Maybe I'll run off and do other stuff.

Lotta stuff on my mind, busy week coming. Stay safe.