Pink Feldspar: dream guilt

Started on Friday.

I can tell my dream guilt is at an all-time high because last night I was the last one to leave a theater showing a film noir smash up of some really ancient black and white mystery thrillers that reminded me a bit of Transylvania 6-5000, and Lisa Marie Bowman was on stage left in front of the final curtain (think Elvira), writing in a journal at a desk (which we could read on the screen showing through the curtain), something about leaving her heart in "309", whatever that was. In the dream, I walked home around midnight and found I was living alone in a big decrepit house, and the moon shone through all the windows so brightly that I could see how dusty everything was in the dark. I pulled a double paned window shut, then wandered through that big house looking for distant singing, which turned out to be Lisa singing in the shower o_O and I decided maybe I'd better just go make a sandwich while I waited for her to get out so I could ask her what 309 means.

The first thing popping into my head during a feeble attempt at analysis is I paid kiddo to climb up on my kitchen counters this week to vacuum my soffits and we ran right into Jingle, her elf on a shelf, stuffed into a cupboard above the fridge and the rest of the day was filled with joyous dancing and singing and twirling in gloves and with tongs. If you guys have no idea, all I can say is that is the most successful brain training marketing ploy I've ever witnessed. Anyway, pretty sure that's where the dust in the dream came from, I have literally been dusting my entire house this last few days.

The moonlight was striking in the dream, pretty sure that was from looking at loads of moon photos people uploaded this last month, latest being the strawberry moon. I'm surprised the midnight dream house wasn't creepier, since I had recently joined and then fled an architecture-shaming FB group, but I can see most of it was in black and white, like an old movie, and the kitchen was a gross faded mustard yellow with 60s tile and appliances. I never saw the bathroom since Lisa had the door shut while she was belting out really old showtunes in the shower. I quickly retreated before she could start on the Oklahoma! soundtrack, which was actually my mom's favorite. I heard those songs hundreds of times growing up.

Not a clue what 309 could have meant. I've written before how math and symbols in my dreams wind up being really weird and way off the reality mark. Angel numbers say 309 is the bomb, urban dictionary says 309 is the epitome of suckage. WAIT. Just found legit 309 at Adjustment Disorders, with or without Anxiety and Depression: DSM5 Code 309 (traumadissociation.com). o_o Wow, is my brain trying to tell me something? Well, I didn't exactly know this, so... weird. Well, my dx relating to that is written out, I don't remember seeing a code next to it, but that's a pretty good bullseye.

309.0 F43.21 With depressed mood: Low mood, tearfulness, or feelings of hopelessness are predominant.

309.24 F43.22 With anxiety: Nervousness, worry, jitteriness, or separation anxiety is predominant.

309.28 F43.23 With mixed anxiety and depressed mood: A combination of depression and anxiety is predominant. Read more: http://www.traumadissociation.com/adjustment

Compare that to my dx.

2007- Axis I clinical disorders of adjustment disorder with anxiety, axis II deferred but with narcissistic feature, axis V GAF of 60.
2008- depressed mood with congruent affect, Asperger's, GAF of 50. Note by panel "These impairments are not slight and have more than a minimal effect on the claimant's residual functional capacity found below. Consequently, they are "severe", as set forth" etc.

I mean, that's me most of my life, occasionally squashed down by filters of numbness, apathy, and anger. This last year has grown markedly better (thank you, #TomCavanaghwatch? lol I dunno, honestly I've processed so much since Dad died that I don't feel so stuck in the past anymore) (and probably because pulling out of a massive vitamin D deficiency, which affects your brain).

Sorry, Lisa, it's not you, it's me. No idea why you wound up in my shower while I ran off to make a sandwich.

But yeah, I never hang out with late night movie gang any more and I miss them almost dreadfully sometimes. My life just doesn't fit that angle and I feel sad about it, but I don't know what to do or say.

So I dream about Lisa in my shower...

@_+

In other news, looks like we're finally going to get our roof done. Nothing like being the only house on the entire street that didn't get approved for hail damage, and we stick furthest up into the sky. Despite his pleasant personality, we got a real dick for our first insurance adjustor. That happened last March, new roofs already all around us, and now here it is heat of summer and nearly vacation time, and they finally agree we need a new roof.

Now it's Saturday evening and I'm about to crash into bed super hard, but I stopped to look at numbers because it's brain candy and my brain was being a whiny kid, and as I looked at the same batch for the hundredth time I noticed maybe it really is getting spelled out, like I sarcastically prompted should happen because I'm too busy to figure it out myself.

Possible interpretation. I could be way wrong, or way mental because I'm so sleepy, but here goes, if I'm coming to the right conclusion, this is confirmations galore. I'm keeping it cryptic for reasons.

I 'win' because I'm right because I'm able to see outside myself. Or, I get to advance because I'm not tied to this density any more.
I'm on point about the simulation coming to an end, and those involved can't advance (sadly, I had asked).

I am being checked on and synched into others further along, and what I'm receiving through the simulation has been apurpose.
It really is amusing.
[They] can't see or find me.
Hang in there.
Stay focused on remembering who I am.
I'm here for a good reason and the people I care about need me.