characters

Watching Scott install security cams

I've been trying to put a finger on what is making it hard to get to the point with my psychologist, and it dawned on me he's too polite. He's not brutal enough to hotseat me, which would probably trigger every fight system I have in me, which is actually what I've been trying to say for years- I like it rough. I like the pain, the torture, the hate that surges up when I go into fight mode. I know the consequences of flaring that up in short one hour bursts might not seem ideal to him, especially given some of the volatile things I've said, but Jacky is a rip the bandaid off kind of person. Some of the subject material being extremely sensitive only vexes me more, though, and even though I'm known for doing the chess dance drawing out the game, it's still a game. Pretty sure I had my first psychotic break in my teens and I've spent years trying to figure this out both on my own and asking for help. That is probably why I said yes when he asked if I felt disingenuous. I don't feel. Pretending I care is the hardest part of the game for me. I'm sure Pinky would love to stomp that back into the hole it comes from, but it's not Pinky's turn any more.

Unfortunately, I need to cancel this week for other reasons, but maybe one day we'll either figure all that out or just call it a stalemate.

Meanwhile, went through another control fight this last week and everyone is bolted down while Jacky plans out the rest of the month. The gabapentin taper stalled out last month, back on it now. Nearly a week into completely  stopping the morning dose. I'm down to 100 mg at night now. Seem to be doing ok with it. Quick refresher, Jacky is the one who put the care team together in 2008 and started cleaning off the meds and created the one, three, and five year goals plan to get healthier. If mental care assessment is coming under Jacky scrutiny now...

Finally starting dental work today. Discovered a real cavity (for once) last February and scheduled that for March, and thanks to the stupid covid lockdown, that got rescheduled twice and I've gone 4 months now with a cavity, in the upper very back where it's hard to reach, and I'm hoping it hasn't advanced to anything horrible like root canal or removal. Tomorrow I finally get my yearly eye exam, and at the end of the month I finally get the ENT scoping my vocal chords like I had scheduled in March. I've been losing my voice since January, and this is an area that was watched for cancer a few years ago, so I'm going to be super pissed if I wind up on another cancer watch or screening that was initially set back for months because of the stupid lockdown. End of the month is also my yearly CPAP check, and I'm very pleased to say, thanks to Jacky grinding on this all spring, my goals for 70/70/70 (30 days, 90 days, 365 days percent usage) after a really bad year barely scraping into the medicare pays based on compliance zone, I've brilliantly overshot those goals at 80/80/70 now.

There are very few people I have managed not to lose in some way. Maybe wanting or daring my psychologist to slug this out with me isn't a good idea, though it might be a little late coming to this conclusion. Maybe I should have stuck to the TV reviewing. I seem to keep finding myself while I'm getting lost in characters. 

From my Lexxperience blog-

After that, I realized I have some pretty deep feelings associated with Lexx that I don’t really talk about. I’ve been called a Lexx super nerd by a number of people and I’ve never said why I’m so attached to this show. So here it is, the way Lexx found and pushed all my buttons and why I think Lexx is good for the world. I don’t like to talk about my ‘stuff’, and I’m sure I’ll come across as a weirdo to some people when I say it. But fans of any show know that the characters and events that happen in a show can become symbolic of personal stuff, and as we displace our emotions into the stories, we unconsciously learn to deal with our own stuff. Stories give us situations to think about, characters give us relationships to relate to. As we become more involved in a show, we become more emotionally invested.