stalkingnotstalking

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SAY NO TO THE MUSTACHE
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I want to talk to a female psychologist about my stuff. I want a fresh perspective and feedback on the revelations exploding my brain. I specifically asked for a referral to a female psychologist this summer but it so badly lacked insight that I just facepalmed and shook my head. I'm dealing with finally processing a stack of traumas that keeps me fighting falling back into alcohol and self medicating, and I need a literal building change if I want to fully unlock. I'm so close. So I went on research sprees. I found other network services, other people. It's difficult sifting down what I need to where I need it, when I need it, whether I'd even be accepted as a new patient. Ran into an impossibly perfect person this morning, couldn't believe my eyes, someone my age, my gender, even my kind of religious philosophy background (also emancipated, like me), and I was all oh thank goodness. And then I read her blog. 😑 And again, I see another person who has fallen into the national narrative, and all roads lead to BLM. Seriously? I grew up in the most diverse area in the entire country, and I was the lowest rung on the social ladder in my school. Literally a few miles from a reservation, literally bussed around during the 1970s desegregation. I was picked on and even physically attacked by race gangs at school, and the last thing I need working on my personal issues is someone who wants to help me properly own my privilege. 

MY MENTAL HEALTH IS NOT A RACIST ISSUE.

I'm a dry alcoholic with occasional thoughts of suicide and a pile of traumas and my mental health is being stuffed into an Orwellian all-inclusive world guilt trip by everyone I can find. It's like the entire mental health field is stepping up becoming part of the narrative. 

As someone with a bachelor of science degree in sociology and studies in social psychology, this is where I butt heads with psychology.

If media is televising the revolution, it's not a revolution. It's a narrative. I facepalm every time I run into 'professionals' who cannot think outside that box if their lives depended on it.

Think- If 'white privilege' must be challenged, ask yourself why it was the media narrative for so long. It's media that needs changing. The rest will follow. This whole burning and rioting crap is orchestrated political ends justifying the means. To fall into the trap of self application is paramount to checking your brain at the door of the koolaid conspiracies. Once inside the loop, you cannot logically extricate. You absolutely cannot understand the outside of the box while you are inside the box. I've lived long enough to see other countries go through this in my lifetime, this is all familiar. This is how regimes are overthrown. To blanket a nation's mental health industry (because it really is literally just another industry umbrellaed under big pharma, isn't it) in such an open way is one of the scariest things I've seen, bar none. They're not even trying to hide it any more.

In other concerns, I can't tell if a person presenting in stats is self obsessed with their own media presence in the shadow of someone else's or, super long shot, an actual person in an unexpected area and strictly controlled public info. I was actually trying to dig up specific stats on another person with all kinds of blog property verification fail and just ran into that.

Nothing. I'm not really stalking a stalker. Go back to sleep.

😂 omg, this is bad. Click for a page full of memes.

Wow, no one has ever done an Eobard Thawne fanvid set to Paralyzer. That's incredible. Eobard is the ultimate stalker, you know.

Well, I'm not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I wanna make you move
Because you're standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You'll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

I mean, they do things like S&M, you'd think they'd do a Paralyzer. This only has 16 views at the moment.

This was cute.

Ok, back to my own channel. I can't believe this playlist is already getting views. Somebody out there likes it, crack me up. 😂 I need to stop wasting time and go get busy. Laterz.

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"In this moment I am Euphoric"
Scroll to the bottom of this post for juicy gossip

:36 hours ago: I think this is my first euphoric (hypomanic) episode without any med support since 2013. It's like pouring a pot of coffee right into my eyeballs. I've lost enough sleep this week to feel like there's a newborn in the house again, possibly twins, and I'm still wired to the gills. I seem to do this at the beginning of every autumn when the daily temp drops from hot down into the 70s. Interesting. 🤔

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:27 hours ago: Even though I got an hour and a half of sleep last night, I'm wide awake tonight. I have gotten so much stuff done today.

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Had a sideways convo with Claudia this morning. I've not really understood how or why she's mean. I think I know now. I'll relate something I know first.

We had a foster sister sort of around my age but looked more grown up, much more developed and a bit of a socialite with boys. I was ok with her most of the time. One day she came to me privately, pretty much crying on my shoulder like I hadn't seen before. She usually handled things her own wily way, so it was different seeing her lose it. My dad had 'beat' her. I asked her what she did, because Dad always had a reason or a trigger. She said my brother, who was much younger, pointed his BB rifle at her so she grabbed it and broke the gun over his head or something, then she said he ran off crying to tell on her, and then my dad came and found her and hit her. I simply said don't hurt my brother and he won't do that any more. I let her cry on me until she felt better and we never mentioned it again.

Let's summarize. My dad hit a young woman for defending herself from a boy pointing a gun at her.

Claudia reminded me of that today, I had forgotten, probably because, as I'm coming to realize now, Claudia was always the one present for the rough stuff. The puppy killing. The time dad beat me for accidentally hitting my brother in the head with a little rock. I was a young girl and he held me down tight and beat me with his fists. Today I realized that is what he did to my foster sister, as well.

Imagine never seeing your dad ever hit another adult, but growing up seeing him slug a fear crazed sheep into complete compliance while he was shearing, or nearly beating a dog to death because it ran a chicken down and chewed it up. And from my own experiences, he beat at least one kid and at least one young woman.

A year ago on October 1st I wrote being sad, and sadnesses, and a life of sad on my Basically Clueless blog that I started shortly before I found out my dad was dying. (:edit: To be clear, I wasn't sad my dad was dying.)

It's really interesting how 'the kids' are getting hold of me and letting me know things now. We seem to share in a very unique and interesting way.

Is it beginning to become apparent why I might have fragmented a few times through my childhood? Some of the memories go back to around one or two.

My dad was not a 'bad' man. I do believe, though, that he himself was broken as a child, and that he either never figured it out or simply just could never talk about it. All we know is that his father was considered by everyone to be exceptionally mean. I think the only way my dad was able to cope with the blaring conflicts was to devote his life to bible studies and his weird brand of philosophy of religion.

The fastest path to complete world healing in the shortest time frame is stop being mean. But how do we wake people up to the fact that they have been programmed to be mean and perpetuate this cycle of profound internal pain that we all keep locked away?

Kindness is logical.

Unrelated but I copied this a couple days ago to keep sharing in case the original I found disappeared. It's already got 100 views without even linking it anywhere. Jim Caviezel is a real hero to qanons because he is not afraid to stand up and take the slings and arrows. 

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Juicy gossip 

First of all, last Tuesday was Felt Hat Day.

Who is this woman??? What is she doing? You're guess is as good as mine.

But someone knows something. I'm pretty sure this means key media assets, not all famous people in general.

Rumors are flying, and I don't know who any of these people are. Click the next snip for the craziest gossip you ever saw.

Don't get scared when things look scary. Keep finding wonderful things to do and think and this will all pass. It's ok to unplug from the the rhetoric and create your own peace. 💗

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I'm going to tack this on because it's important to understanding how grueling watching TV is for me sometimes. I honestly watch very little TV, sometimes takes me years to jump on board something trending, then I come in late and immerse in ways that feel like drowning. This happens across the board and I have no warning when it's going to happen. Everything gets weird and then I recluse and no one knows what to do with me. It's really hard being honest when one's entire childhood is about not telling the truth, about stuffing down the obvious to play head games, about creating fantasy worlds that make life bearable. I see this across all fandoms, major displacement options like being in a candy shop for neurotics. Television is the strongest drug in the world, and we all fall into that magic screen sooner or later. Some of us, like Alice, find our way to independent thinking and figure out the meanings in our hidden truths, because is that not what psychedelics are for?

Claudia has very strongly responded to Sherloque on The Flash as a not father figure who is figuring out how a double of his is playing a surrogate father figure for a father who is having problems establishing a relationship with her, via Nora's diary.

The rest of us anticipating trubba...

For those of you who actually know my history with my dad dragging me out of the hospital after a nasty car wreck, the neck brace shot in this vid suddenly jolted me so hard the first time I saw it that I felt like I got shocked. Claudia was pissed.

From 3-23-13  

fans of any show know that the characters and events that happen in a show can become symbolic of personal stuff, and as we displace our emotions into the stories, we unconsciously learn to deal with our own stuff. Stories give us situations to think about, characters give us relationships to relate to. As we become more involved in a show, we become more emotionally invested.

disengaged eyes

This is hard to write.

Masking and seeing others masked has been extremely destructive in my mind. I couldn't put my finger on it for a long time. I played along and wore masks when I had to, and I didn't have panic attacks or anything, but something kept eating at me. Masking gets me very angry and I wasn't sure what to do with that or where it's coming from.

We all know what an absent stare is. We can see by someone's eyes when they are disengaged, staring off at the sky or a wall or something while their mind is somewhere else. We understand disengaging, but we don't like it when someone looks at or talks to us with blank stares. It's creepy. That's why it's used in scary movies and stuff. That blank stare does things to our minds.

Imagine a blank face. All you can see is eyes (unless sunglasses are on), but there is no face. That's a nightmare. When we see a completely skinned over face in a show with no mouth or nose, it's terrifying. It's not funny. It makes us feel uncomfortable.

Imagine having prosopagnosia. Imagine not being able to categorize people into familiar memory slots because everything on their faces is so interchangeable in your mind. Imagine not being able to remember what someone's face looks like when you aren't looking at them and that is the way you live your life. Imagine someone removing their mask and their face is gone.

I've often brought up nightmares with my psychologist. One of my most memorable nightmares from years ago was vividly seeing a person's face ripped off by a whale on a beach, and all the couples strolling in the moonlight casually looking away while I stood there in horror watching someone trapped and about to be killed, and the skin on their face was just gone.

I have prosopagnosia. Imagine what masking does to my psyche.

Masks sometimes make people sound like they are having a hard time talking, to me it sounds like they are practically chewing on their masks. It bothers me very badly and I want them to take their masks off so bad I can hardly stand it. I feel almost like I'm going to lose control and reach out and pull masks off when I'm out, like it's an impulse to rescue faces. Imagine if we kept dogs and cats in masks all day. We'd feel sorry for them. That's how I feel about people.

It's a wonder I don't have panic attacks. Masks are like hands over our mouths. My dad put his hand over my mouth and nose a few times to make me calm down when I was having meltdowns. I couldn't breathe at all and he wouldn't release me until I started going limp. I'd be so starved for air that I'd be thrilled to just crawl away.

One time he smothered me. He blew in me to wake me up.

Imagine having those memories coming back over and over when you wear a mask.

I have no idea how I've not yet had a full blown panic attack wearing a mask or not yet reached out and grabbed masks off people. The compulsion is real.

Tonight I saw a tik tok of a baby ward in a hospital. All the newborns were wearing face shields and properly distanced from each other. Is this not abuse? Isn't it bad enough that new mommies might not know how to cuddle their children and now they're being taught to face shield their newborns? Human psychological health depends on human closeness and lots of touching, especially with newborns.

What the mask mandates are doing to us is beyond reprehensible. The politics of masking is psychologically abusive. The technocracy deleting videos and links to researches about the truth of masking is beyond reprehensible. The elitist power to command docile subjugation to the neglect of human psychological needs is criminally abusive.

I'm not going to argue numbers. Everyone knows we didn't have a massive die off except in places like nursing homes where immunity challenged persons were crowded together.

I'm just saying the psychological impact might not be apparent on the surface to you guys, but it's haunting me in ways that you'd find very disturbing.

I feel like we are being taught how to become more mentally ill, more psychologically dependent on a nanny state, more addicted to substance and medication abuses, more broken by depression. All it takes is a mask.

Imagine trying to remember faces and all you see is a mask because faces have become disengaged from our human response comms.