want

Dunno if any of you guys have experience with TMJ issues. Mine started after a really bad car accident when I was 19. I was 'ejected', more like broke through a side window and was almost gently deposited in high speed in a hyperflex position while the car ground around in a spin on its roof right at my head just before it lifted off into another flip and we just missed that nasty smear as I also finished a flip and slid into a wild rose bush. I was conscious through the entire thing, vividly remember that.

For years I lived with trigeminal damage on the left side, just really bad pain, but whadayado, right. They call trigeminal neuralgia the suicide disease but I have the kind of brain that gets high on pain. It's a miserable kind of dance through life, but oddly it kept me off going overboard on painkillers of any and every kind.

Years in physical therapy went by, pain threshold was drastically lowered, finally got pretty livable. Can't even tell ya what the migraines from that were like, just years of referred nerve problems, so the relief I finally got was amazing. Because of the unremitting intensity for years on end, I learned to super focus into an intellectual trance, working my brain like a compulsion for any distraction I could find to keep my mind off. Physical therapists have marveled over how much I can take, how long I can hang through what others find intolerable, opting instead for pain pills, shots, and surgeries, which don't always work. They *think* they are desperate. They didn't know how to focus out.

Because I am pain-dependent in a brain chemical feedback loop, literally getting high on pain because it forces unbelievable endorphin dumps, I actually think better and faster when my pain level is outrageously high, and if I add even just a super low dose of opiate to that it's like I'm literally floating in world brain or something. The last couple of days have been super thinky trippy because I'm back in physical therapy. Pinky readers saw me go through this fairly regularly, but I don't think I've shared anything about this kind of stuff in so long that newbies getting to know me now have no idea.

Through all that all those years, I never had a soul get me on the thinky level I was reaching. I hit that yesterday and spun even higher. As I sort of come down a little from that, I hope I can remember everything I was able to think so I can get it written out. Otherwise it'll be lost to the way twitter buries stuff.

My heaven and hell are the same. No one ever knows what's going on with me when I get stuck on repeats of stuff like this. If I could share this intensity would be like nirvana.