hi from the pinky abyss

free wallpaper from somewhere,
currently in my screensaver rotation

I think April 1st took the brunt of my yearly sad, then yesterday was migraine day but that didn't stop me from hitting twitter pretty hard, and this morning I seem to be feeling better about things and I think I'll be ok, as I always am once I plow through a little time.

Not really having any big thoughts, although I've felt a little concerned lately that my return back to normal from a 2 week manic euphoric episode plunged a bit more than usual this time, who knows if it's the timing or what, but any psyche person would have me nailed down to further dx based on this week alone. I think, holistically, as in looking over the last 3 months and even 9 months, I'm about due for a really big crash and burn in the ol' depression department, and I'll surf that wave and be fine, so I'm not actually worried. I'm concerned though that I might need to start making lists again. And that feels like so much work. But I need to get on this before another 2 weeks flies by.

The very root of my concern is that even with my 2022 resolution to eat ice cream at least once a week, I've broken serious ice cream laws this last week dealing with the hard plunge back into the abyss. I'm being good about it, like not making my diabetes worse or anything, but that means dragging it out all day long doing carb counts, and by the time I realized what I was doing I had gone through 4 pints of Haagen-Dasz in 4 days flat, and you know that means dropping actual nutrition off the menu. Big sad has its cost.

I've not really shared this yet, but behind everything for months and months was being on an edge of knowing-notknowing. We finally found out that Scott does have cancer, recently got extra testing back confirming it's not aggressive, so add that to my whole last year of weird dream attacks that actually landed me in hospital with troponin levels, my daughter coming within minutes of dying from lengthy septic shock according to the surgeon, crazy new physical challenges from stepping up taking care of things, and then 6 weeks of 3 back to back viruses that ramped into a 2-week vertigo fling. So I'm finally getting past all that and here I am now at my yearly depression just after I found out my best friend of nearly 30 years really does have cancer.

Remember how I did that 5 and 10 years ago thing in another post? I'll revisit that and add that any amount of time ago, even 2 years, I'm not sure I'd have survived this amount of challenge on top of my normal life crap that I've blogged about forever. But something has changed this last year, something big, and everything is very different in my head now. And then something else sparkly changed in the last couple of months and I seem to be handling things really well. That last was such a huge thing that Pinky is back.

I dunno if newbies to me can even grasp what that means. Long time readers probably get it. Pinky blog broke all the rules, mocked all the analytics, played with medias like toys, never once monetized, and still got more traffic than the TV show fansite I created and even swiped legit returning traffic from a porn site with the same name with readers winding up reading the entire blog. I used to keep count of how many countries hit that blog, all the ways my content got swiped and mirrored, all the crazy ways I could screw analytics till google finally just stopped crawling that blog at all because it was too "site heavy". I did this all with severe depression the entire time, much of that in severe unremittant pain, years of content and millions of words before I even realized my fractured selves were talking to each other because I'm dissociated. Pinky was the Interface from the inside of my head to the world. For the first time in my autistic life, I was sharing what it was like actually being autistic, all integrated into real life and realizations that broke my heart almost continually, and still just rocking the fun because I love distraction and thinking and laughing.

Pinky is back trying to break twitter again now, like the old days when I ran with gangs on pinky twitter. Anyone who's followed the Pinky/Jacky story (not easy unless you go backward in time so you can see it) can probably imagine the joy I've been feeling. It's lke having hugs in my head all the time again. I really missed that.

The sparkly thing I mentioned was a catalyst and I'll always feel appreciative, even if I don't understand it. Thank you. 🌹