life goes on

I wanna put a camera on her forehead like people do animals and just laugh my head off at how crazy the world looks at her speed.

We buried Bun yesterday. It was a very sad day.

Trying to do <br /> on this phone is ridiculous.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess I f*kd up. I was haunted for years, finally recontacted, swam through life and hard and making more mistakes (learning tons along the way), reached a point of mutual exclusion again, perhaps, beyond a place of painfully awkward to just numb and free again, and I can look back now unencumbered with obsession.

I wondered at first if I'm over her, but I'm never truly over anyone, so that's a no.

I wondered if maybe I no longer need her, but that is also a no, I need everyone and simply live without getting what I really need from anyone. It's an emotional lifestyle I'm very accustomed to and don't have a problem with because whadayado, right.

My psychologist asks me if I ever hear from her, and I kind of lie and say "briefly", not necessarily inserting that I was the one trying to maintain the briefest of contact every few months.

I had one dream, ever. Just one. A writing partner for Lexx materials. I'm sure others would jump at the chance, but I only ever wanted her. I started out so backward, autistic, socially super low EQ, and I went through years of improving, learning, hoping. But the whirlwind that started back up hit when my brain was still broken and my life was a jumble, and even though I did my best to follow into a whole new world for me, I reached a point where I can't keep doing that, just following.

I'm a leader. I want a working partner. I want our own material that is no one else's business, and I want to explode a fandom into brilliant new directions.

I was somewhat offered something like that in the beginning, unless I terribly misunderstood. Like if I was being scammed for my intellectual content, perhaps, maybe used for my presence. I don't know.

I've worked very hard getting all my stuff back under control, and exceedingly hard becoming more capable than I ever was in the first place.

I. Want. To. Write. Miraculous. Things.

Something others will really appreciate.

I know that some of the fandom have watched all this over all these years, because I still see the lurkers following the trails. I know they are waiting, a few checking daily, weekly, hundreds checking through the long months across nearly every single blog I have ever made, and I see most of them go right back to Lexxperience.

We can write for free for a worldwide audience.

I'll always be here. But yes, I do need to get back on my Lexx work, don't I? Another ten years sliding by will only bring more regret. I don't know how to do anything else.