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| Someone squeaked in just in time for presents! |
Remember these two from the Nuts Before Christmas?
- the nuts before Christmas- part 1
- the nuts before Christmas- part 2
- the nuts before Christmas- part 3
- the nuts before Christmas- part 4
Time for New Year's Resolutions!
First, looking back on last year's resolutions.
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| click pic for true story behind photo |
The grinding end to 2019 was hellish on me, so last year I was lost and drifting in a dark stormy sea of frothy hate and self loathing, literally on the brink of bursting through my biggest epiphany ever. I'm not going to link back to that, and the only thing I'll share for now is "Someday I will share how I won the war by taking myself hostage, holding myself captive, torturing myself for years, and no one ever knew how badly I mutilated my brain just to win the war. I'm still here. We're all still here." Basically, realizing the enormity of never having suicided or flushed my life down a toilet. I certainly had the brain, the motivation, and the connections to do horrible things, and I dreamed of revenge constantly back in the day. Pinky publicly steered that ship away from destruction until it all caught up with me last year and it felt like my soul exploded. If Scott had never happened in my life, I can only imagine how I would have shredded what was left of me.
I ended 2019 with this.
My new year began with more drama that I won't go into. This post will click to the vid if you feel you need to see it. It very accurately depicts my inner feels about outer persons. Fortunately, a whole lot has changed for the way better, so this was a fleeting angst.
My New Year's resolutions last year were a little late in forming, mainly thanks to super stress plonking me into hospital almost immediately last year, but I did wind up assessing goals one month in. Looks great starting off, lol. Hold that thought.
By Feb. 6, 2020 my lifelong internal war abruptly ended with a desperately negotiated switch out from Pinky to Jacky. Everything since then has been about learning to share space. Pinky is on braincation now. She pops up here and there but mostly wants to just rest, I think. I've agreed not to cantankerously poke the bear, as they say. Despite how that post looks, the transition was utterly peaceful and a huge relief. Pretty sure Pinky was on the edge of very nervous breakdown. Jacky is flat effect, so coming off that roller coaster was blissful. Still holding that thought.
Of course, the covid lockdowns sent us all careening off rails, and my entire year evolved into a ginormous fight with CPAP over it. There is no pretty way to get through seasonal allergies while masking. I developed complications that at one point included a sinus abscess and a throat scope over losing my voice. Yes, I went 4 months without a normal voice because the world locked down and I couldn't get appointments, which was really nerve wracking when one wonders about possibly developing throat cancer. I feel really bad for everyone who went through even worse.
As the summer rolled out, I went through a weird week whacking my hair off (again) because masking got to me so badly one hot sweaty day. The constant news-checking on covid and politics felt like we were all being torqued harder into place, like we had to stay alert and vigilant and be so terribly careful, and that became exhausting and I could feel another health fail coming on, big time. Kept my fingers crossed that I wasn't going into an autoimmune flare about the time I started a new doctor (my primary left during the beginning of covid staff cutting in my provider network), and she caught (low and behold) an actual vitamin D deficiency that had gone under the radar for a long time, apparently. Many doctors are now talking about the immune system functioning better with vitamin D.
I got a little desperate for a public distraction I could focus on (thank you, Tom), and everything started changing for me. I gradually stopped hitting walls and fighting with everything that annoyed me, stepped back from being reactionary and depressed and adjusted my direction more toward noticing how that stuff isn't really *me*. That is a trained seal show. I've talked before (since 2014, actually) about how social medias keep us in a sort of fine tuned lockstep rhythm, and that taking a break from that makes it really obvious when you come back to it.
So vitamin D and refocus! Thanks to the vitamin D being added into my life, I skated through autumn finally clearing off my last two major meds for nerve pain and mood disorder. My nervous system is healing. And because of that, my depression is evening out, my pain levels have dropped dramatically, I have been able to step up and really help with kiddo during covid and her mama going through a rough pregnancy. Comparing last year to this year is like night and day. The one last big change was finally figuring out that I had developed a reaction to daily zyrtec, which in turn had been hiding that I had also started reacting to the silicone in my CPAP cushion, and I spent ragweed season to Thanksgiving with my face puffed up and my eyes tearing continually until another occasional pain med blew up and got me too nauseated to eat for 3 days and stopping zyrtec abruptly after several years turned into instant relief. O_O
And then this month I finally figured out why the whole Tom thing was working. I've been reviewing for years, everyone saw my Ben fling, I've bounced around watch marathons and live tweets for years, so why was the Tom watch suddenly important? This last couple weeks, not a clue how this even all congealed, probably because it was a year since Dad died, but I found myself thinking through a few paragraphs on a private blog.
On another note, was kinda going back over a life of addiction in it's mesmerizing variety, the self destruction and learning recoveries, all the ways I've slipped into bliss any way possible living moment by moment in so much pain, anxiety, and oscillating anger and fear.
The last 6 months slipping into Tom has been far from self destructive. Have I found a role model? Finally?
He talks about his dad with so much respect, and he's a dad with 4 kids. When I first met Scott, for the first time in my life I realized what I had never been able to imagine and wish for in a dad. Is that the connection here? My first big wallop with Tom was Nora and Eobard.
I think I'm recreating my private world and revisting all the bad memories in a new kind of objective point of view now. Not just objective or like 3rd person objective, not observer gauging or assessing. Simply seeing and going Ohhhh...
I've actually got way more Pepe than Tom, and a cool variety of many more things, but I guess, for me in general, it's a bit more than my usual.
It's sure felt like a long, hard life. I have a lot more thinking to do.
Yeah, my light bulb moment. A lifetime of addictions, and a father I was never able to talk to or be myself with. No forgiveness, no shelter, and both of us autist enough to be oblivious of the obvious. Add to that my latest son-in-law's new baby daughter, lotta dad issue stuff in my life may finally be resolving.
Oh, here we go, cute pic in my phone. Sparkles was patiently waiting in a grocery store bathroom here for kiddo, and I was patiently guarding so no one would walk in and touch her and destroy our joy. The little things are important.
This winter, I'm deep in Elvenar. I followed Scott in, first time we've gamed on the same thing at the same time. He surprised me last night with a $20 diamond splurge and I had a blast upgrading a few things.
So my most immediate New Year's resolution now, as per realizing last night how addicting this game is and how compulsively a person could nickel and dime their way into massive expansion, is to NOT SPEND MORE PAYPAL on diamonds. I personally like fighting and strategizing, so I can fight my way to expansion, no problem. The trick is being patient. Most of this game is obviously set up and timed out to play on a person's impatience. I'm sure they rake in millions all over the planet. Some of the player cities I've seen would have taken many months playing the long way, so I imagine they've invested a bit in their expansions. Me, I just leave the workshops running while I walk away and do other things, piece of cake.
I guess other resolutions will include staying on track watching my numbers kind of stuff. Staying aware of glucose and carbs, sleep scores, workout time, money, etc makes life better in general. Cuts way down on headaches, both physically and metaphorically. I really need to read more. I bought a bunch of books last spring and I haven't finished them yet. Maybe I can work out a reading routine. I'm trying to stay off medias again, one of my very publicly documented (2013-2014) psychological addictions. Managed to pull my head out of minecraft a bit this year. I seem to be talking more with Scott. I think both girls getting pregnant has been really good for me, more in the now.
I feel pretty chill about the whole new year thing. Let's see what I've got so far.
- No compulsive paypal spending on Elvenar 😐
- Read the books I bought 😂
- Stay on top of health numbers 🌻
- 🤔 Nothing else is coming to mind
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