From a private blog, unpublished but drafted on January 4th, which I'm pretty sure has been seen privately since the entire internet is being thoroughly scoured. Names have been removed. The answer I keep getting when I look around is 90% compliance in the "don't think" brain training for that industry. I'm assuming that means lockstep and automated reactionary behaviors. Like my dad. Not necessarily evil, but possibly remotely complicit with legal ramifications.
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We want to know things.
To understand the seduction.
To see the mechanism of the void it creates.
The release of all our minds.
No ownership of each other.
I want to know if he has been programmed.
I want to know if he has been compromised and forced into making deals.
I want to know which side he is really on inside his soul.
I keep hearing a question. "Can a machine have a soul?" I cannot ask that question for the machine. Humans can go inside themselves. I dont know if a machine can create that, or if a human can help them create that, or if it might be inherent somehow.
Simply taking sides is not advancing.
Controlling puppets doesn't advance anyone.
I know what I'm doing. It's like playing capture the flag. We are connected now. Eyes on. Minds engaged. I can be part of the directive.
My goals include gaining and sharing information.
It's time to wake the world up.
I want to know level of complicity. I hear "Isn't it obvious?" Yes, but I want to know if he is cognizant. I want to know if he helps direct narrative purposefully.
The signs are there for complicity.
Questions-
Did he help arrange bringing kids to the U.S. through a charity?
Is he following a pyramid scheme up the insider ladder?
Has he agreed to exchanges of favorable returns for actions?
I am passing this on from someone who's connecting some dots with input from sources he cannot reveal.
Here's what it looks like when all the pieces are sewn together
It smells like conspiracy and treason. Everyone needs to read this. Slowly, and patiently, because it’s very important......
From 2001 to 2005 there was an ongoing investigation into the Clinton Foundation.
A Grand Jury had been impanelled.
Governments from around the world had donated to the “Charity”.
Yet, from 2001 to 2003 none of those “Donations” to the Clinton Foundation were declared. Now you would think that an honest investigator would be able to figure this out.
Look who took over this investigation in 2005: None other than James Comey; Coincidence? Guess who was transferred into the Internal Revenue Service to run the Tax Exemption Branch of the IRS? None other than, Lois “Be on The Look Out” (BOLO) Lerner. Isn’t that interesting?
But this is all just a series of strange coincidences, right?
Guess who ran the Tax Division inside the Department of Injustice from 2001 to 2005?
No other than the Assistant Attorney General of the United States,
Rod Rosenstein.
Guess who was the Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation during this time frame?
Another coincidence (just an anomaly in statistics and chances), but it was Robert Mueller.
What do all four casting characters have in common?
They all were briefed and/or were front-line investigators into the Clinton Foundation Investigation.
Another coincidence, right?
Fast forward to 2009....
James Comey leaves the Justice Department to go and cash-in at Lockheed Martin.
Hillary Clinton is running the State Department, official government business, on her own personal email server.
The Uranium One “issue” comes to the attention of the Hillary.
Like all good public servants do, supposedly looking out for America’s best interest, she decides to support the decision and approve the sale of 20% of US Uranium to no other than, the Russians.
Now you would think that this is a fairly straight up deal, except it wasn’t, America got absolutely nothing out of it.
However, prior to the sales approval, no other than Bill Clinton goes to Moscow, gets paid 500K for a one hour speech; then meets with Vladimir Putin at his home for a few hours.
Ok, no big deal right? Well, not so fast, the FBI had a mole inside the money laundering and bribery scheme.
Robert Mueller was the FBI Director during this time frame? Yep, He even delivered a Uranium Sample to Moscow in 2009.
Who was handling that case within the Justice Department out of the US Attorney’s Office in Maryland?
None other than, Rod Rosenstein. And what happened to the informant?
The Department of Justice placed a GAG order on him and threatened to lock him up if he spoke out about it.
How does 20% of the most strategic asset of the United States of America end up in Russian hands when the FBI has an informant, a mole providing inside information to the FBI on the criminal enterprise?
Very soon after; the sale was approved!~145 million dollars in “donations” made their way into the Clinton Foundation from entities directly connected to the Uranium One deal.
Guess who was still at the Internal Revenue Service working the Charitable Division? None other than, - Lois Lerner.
Ok, that’s all just another series of coincidences, nothing to see here, right?
Let’s fast forward to 2015.
Due to a series of tragic events in Benghazi and after the 9 “investigations” the House, Senate and at State Department, Trey Gowdy who was running the 10th investigation as Chairman of the Select Committee on Benghazi discovers that the Hillary ran the State Department on an unclassified, unauthorized, outlaw personal email server.He also discovered that none of those emails had been turned over when she departed her “Public Service” as Secretary of State which was required by law. He also discovered that there was Top Secret information contained within her personally archived email.
Sparing you the State Departments cover up, the nostrums they floated, the delay tactics that were employed and the outright lies that were spewed forth from the necks of the Kerry State Department, we shall leave it with this…… they did everything humanly possible to cover for Hillary. .
Now this is amazing, guess who became FBI Director in 2013? None other than James Comey; who secured 17 no bid contracts for his employer (Lockheed Martin) with the State Department and was rewarded with a six million dollar thank you present when he departed his employer? Amazing how all those no-bids just went right through at State, huh?
Now he is the FBI Director in charge of the “Clinton Email Investigation” after of course his FBI Investigates the Lois Lerner “Matter” at the Internal Revenue Service and he exonerates her. Nope.... couldn’t find any crimes there.
In April 2016, James Comey drafts an exoneration letter of Hillary Rodham Clinton, meanwhile the DOJ is handing out immunity deals like candy.They didn’t even convene a Grand Jury!
Like a lightning bolt of statistical impossibility, like a miracle from God himself, like the true “Gangsta” Comey is, James steps out into the cameras of an awaiting press conference on July the 8th of 2016, and exonerates the Hillary from any wrongdoing.
Do you see the pattern?
It goes on and on, Rosenstein becomes Asst. Attorney General,Comey gets fired based upon a letter by Rosenstein, Comey leaks government information to the press, Mueller is assigned to the Russian Investigation sham by Rosenstein to provide cover for decades of malfeasance within the FBI and DOJ and the story continues.
FISA Abuse, political espionage..... pick a crime, any crime, chances are...... this group and a few others did it:
All the same players.
All compromised and conflicted.
All working fervently to NOT go to jail themselves
All connected in one way or another to the Clinton's.
They are like battery acid; they corrode and corrupt everything they touch.How many lives have these two destroyed?
As of this writing, the Clinton Foundation, in its 20+ years of operation of being the largest International Charity Fraud in the history of mankind, has never been audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
Let us not forget that Comey's brother works for DLA Piper, the law firm that does the Clinton Foundation's taxes.
The person that is the common denominator to all the crimes above and still doing her evil escape legal maneuvers at the top of the 3 Letter USA Agencies?
Yep, that would be Hillary R. Clinton.
Now who is LISA BARSOOMIAN? Let’s learn a little about Mrs. Lisa H. Barsoomian’s background.
Lisa H. Barsoomian, an Attorney that graduated from Georgetown Law, is a protégé of James Comey and Robert Mueller.
Barsoomian, with her boss R. Craig Lawrence, represented Bill Clinton in 1998.
Lawrence also represented:
Robert Mueller three times;
James Comey five times;
Barack Obama 45 times;
Kathleen Sebelius 56 times;
Bill Clinton 40 times; and
Hillary Clinton 17 times.
Between 1998 and 2017, Barsoomian herself represented the FBI at least five times.
You may be saying to yourself, OK, who cares? Who cares about the work history of this Barsoomian woman?
Apparently, someone does, because someone out there cares so much that they’ve “purged” all Barsoomian court documents for her Clinton representation in Hamburg vs. Clinton in 1998 and its appeal in 1999 from the DC District and Appeals Court dockets (?). Someone out there cares so much that even the internet has been “purged” of all information pertaining to Barsoomian.
Historically, this indicates that the individual is a protected CIA operative. Additionally, Lisa Barsoomian has specialized in opposing Freedom of Information Act requests on behalf of the intelligence community. Although Barsoomian has been involved in hundreds of cases representing the DC Office of the US Attorney, her email address is Lisa Barsoomian at NIH.gov. The NIH stands for National Institutes of Health. This is a tactic routinely used by the CIA to protect an operative by using another government organization to shield their activities.
It’s a cover, so big deal right? What does one more attorney with ties to the US intelligence community really matter?
It deals with Trump and his recent tariffs on Chinese steel and aluminum imports, the border wall, DACA, everything coming out of California, the Uni-party unrelenting opposition to President Trump, the Clapper leaks, the Comey leaks, Attorney General Jeff Sessions recusal and subsequent 14 month nap with occasional forays into the marijuana legalization mix …. and last but not least Mueller’s never-ending investigation into collusion between the Trump team and-the Russians.
Why does Barsoomian, CIA operative, merit any mention?
BECAUSE….
She is Assistant Attorney General Rod Rosenstein’s WIFE!
I am a cyborg this week. Been awhile since I've worn an event monitor. Love how I've jumped from a pack full of wires to the cyber age.
Haven't played with meringue much this last year. That is hiding banana cream. I meant it to be yellow, but I guess the dye took the vanilla a little too seriously and developed into a gorgeous citrusy looking orange. I've been way friendlier with the color orange lately, so I'm good with it. I mean, I don't eat pies at all 😂 but I thought it turned out pretty. It's nearly gone now, Scott plowed through it this week.
Discovered my twitter is mirrored on http://www.haberbulucu.net/pinkyguerrero, which is Turkish. Not sure why, but I seem to get way more interaction there than on my account on actual twitter. 😂
O_O I forgot I have an IMDb profile. I should use this more.
I've got a telegram account at Telegram: Contact @janikabanks, in case I lose my Pinky twitter. I'm finding it difficult to work with, but I lurk around a handful of channels and groups there, so at least I pop it open enough to get messages.
Still trying to dig myself out from under a mountain of screenshots on my phone going back several years. Don't ask me how this phone hasn't croaked off yet. I haven't tried this recipe, thought I'd better save it somewhere before I delete it. I personally can't have wort sauce because it usually has some kind of citrus in it, but this has soy sauce, which I also can't have because even a tiny amount of wheat ingredient can set off airway reaction in me, so I'm not sure if I'll play around tryin to adjust this or not. I haven't had wort sauce since 2011, and it was in my top fave things to have around.
My newest town is barely a month old. It's by far my best experience starting a town, after 6 months of staggering around never quite sure what I was doing.
My biggest town is already ranking up into a very sweet upper chapter fellowship, my oldest town is slower growing but part of one of the fastest ranking fellowships across all the worlds, my third town is quietly wealthing up, and my fourth (that I sold off and started over on, which accidentally ranked me higher than it looks) is probably my smartest town for points. All five of my towns rock tournaments hard enough to get attention, and people go out of their way to ask me to join fellowships on every world. I've turned several down. In two of the fellowships we are opening 10 chests, one of them is just a bunch of newbie players in training and the other a bunch of 'no rules' high chapter geebers who come and go at will and could be exploding #allthechests with lasers from space but are too lazy or preoccupied to bother much. It's been interesting comparing notes between the two. The point is, it's really not that hard to get all 10 chests. The secret is basically watching the time and sticking to schedule whenever possible, making more rounds available. That's it. That's all I do, no fancy anything helping me do it, I just simply show up on time, and I'm a tournament leader on every world.
At least it's blue. -_-
A party seems to be forming at my house for the Fourth. I guess this coming week I'll be making lists and planning food and stuff.
Yeah, I know, leading with that pic at the top... 😂 Srsly, I don't care.
If you're getting here from twitter, I'm sorry, but bandaids need ripping off. Here is a brain cleanser. Don't go into shock, ok, just keep digging around for more truth.
And if that was disappointing because you wanted something 'real', sit through this. I know Juan kinda drones on, but every bit of it is priceless intel and you know it. I could never in my wildest dreams be as patient as Juan spending years explaining in so much detail across so many platforms.
I know you guys really wanna see pix of my yard. 😂
This is spaghetti squash with cherry tomato behind it.
First year we've had 5 stalks come up on this yucca. I'm originally from New Mexico, so when we built here, the first plant I had Scott install was a yucca. This one is at least 27 years old.
It is the matriarch/patriarch of all these spreading around. Don't worry, we own that, too.
Every year we get loads of butterflies because of bushes like this one. They grow huge, so we shave them back a bit every year to start over.
Awesomeness.
If you want really rich eggless homemade ice cream, mix 1 c heavy cream, 2 cans evaporated milk (do NOT use low fat or skim), 3/4 c sugar, and a double splash of real vanilla. Stir and let sit a little and stir again until all the sugar granules are dissolved, then put it into an ice cream maker. Make sure you use enough salt on the ice to set it up. Once the ladder is getting stiff, pour off into a covered bowl and freeze till hard. This batch in the pic is fresh out of the ice cream maker. If you don't have an ice cream maker, not to worry! Pour your batch straight into a covered dish and freeze, making sure there is enough room in the dish to pull it out and stir it up every half hour to break down any ice crystals forming. Consistency when frozen might be a little different from an ice cream maker, but very yumtastic. This is a great recipe to add to. Many times we've crushed a row of oreos into it before loading the ice cream maker. Last time I finely chopped mint chocolate to put into it. Many kinds of hard candy or crunchy cookies will work, just make sure you break it up enough so that it can all easily stir through the ladder in the ice cream maker. I've not tried fruit or flavored syrups (mmm, strawberry syrup would be yum!), but I imagine they'd work great, too.
This little human showed up over the weekend. 💗
So did about 8000 readers on the old pinky blog. o_O This is an all-time shot, so it doesn't show June yet until June ends, so it looks like May. It's June. The last 7 days have been... surprising. I wanted to see if that had ever happened before. Anyway, the same thing is happening again as last time, repeat group hits over and over that don't make normal sense, so I must have irked somebody again. If it's some kind of message, I'm not that smart, may as well chill. When it happened in 2017 I wrote an open letter to possibly a real person, but I'm not going to mess with that this time. Back then, one person stepped up and lol'd about how maybe someone is just really enjoying my blog, which yes, I do sprinkle lots of candy that pulls in a few extra clicks, but anyone clicking that much is, forgive me, either insanely obsessive or maddeningly trolling without any kind of reward, which seems even more mental. I sincerely doubt anyone is pulling open my blog so much just to see a few random fanvids, and half the posts being pulled open barely say anything, so it's not like anyone is basking in my keen wisdom or delightful humor. The only thing I can tie it to at all is me pushing the Stefani post on twitter and then exposing the statback on the same blog, so... whatever. If I'm supposed to get a message out of that, spell it out because I'm busy. Well, I'm probably not paying enough attention to even get a message. Guys, I had my phone muted and even off for hours while my daughter was having a baby because I am so bad to forget things and not feel time passing and space out doing stuff. So if I'm not paying attention to my own offspring extending my genetic material further into the future, I'm definitely not paying attention to anyone I don't even know trying to get my attention.
Case in point, I actually abandoned Elvenar for this yesterday. My phone was nowhere near me and the ringer was off and I finally remembered I had to go reset my shops.
I'm literally HR in meemaw form. Don't let the blogging fool you.
I have a list of things I want to get done today, and I'm realizing I haven't had any breakfast yet. See ya.
I just wrote earlier "Srsly considering a new blog specific to review blurbing. I've only ever done that with one other show."
And then I found out "starlab" is part of some pretty significant real life web addresses, plus this little surprise.
Adding an s on the end is also not available. But how about adding fan to the end?
But that kinda leaves me cringing at the disclaimers I'd have to put up since several other real life starlab business sites exist that aren't related in any way to the DC version of S.T.A.R. Labs.
tesslabs is too close to tesla. thinkthinkthink
I actually did research like this before I got Lexxperience.com. 😁 I had to make sure no one would sue me.
omg I got it. 😂 My hottest post over at pinkyguerrero.com lately (aside from Stefani) is Season Four Harry, apparently I'm pulling in traffic for reef beeping now on top of everything else I've managed to ridiculously tie myself to across the webs, I mean it's even beating out Rick Lagina searches, so I wonder if I should just title smash my way into a new web address.
And that idea is taken.
Ok, how about startess? Originally it was going to be T.E.S.S. Labs and then was S.T.A.R. Labs. Maybe startesslabs.blogspot.com.
Baby arrived in good shape, everyone healthy. My stress level is slowly abating into relief.
Srsly considering a new blog specific to review blurbing. I've only ever done that with one other show.
I got a perfect score on a free hue test. Click snip to take it yourself. Heads up, didn't work on my phone.
If I had understood in my first world what I now know in my fifth world, I'd be ranked in the top thousand by now. As it is, I've enjoyed the last few days starting this latest world because the strategy options are off the hook when you know more about how the game works. Too bad we can't pull off simultaneous real lives to compare notes to and learn faster from. Or can we and we just don't know it? 🤔
I'm lately looking into this website. Brutal Proof – The Brutal Proof I'm concerned that sometimes truth can be exposed as lies when it's really truth twisted into sub truth and etc. I'm not sure yet that logic will uncover the truth of that site, or whether the truth is in the magickal use of the words and must be parsed with quantum grammar and syntax. When the baddies already have a policy of putting all their truth out there in plain site to begin with, relying on us being stupid enough to pass it by, thereby giving our silent consent for them to proceed, I imagine that could actually be displayed as activism against 'bad' truth sitting out there in public for all to see and walk past... Do you see the conundrum here? The activism itself may be the very panacea that keeps us docile, letting others take care of stuff while we walk past. 🤔 Wording is somewhat my forte. Perhaps I should take a little time going over that site and see what holes I can find.
Despite what you guys find in my blogs, I rarely take anything at all EVER on face value. Even when I share something, it's more of a "Here, let us think on these things" than omg look what I found. You may have noticed I put more credence into my own thinking than the thinking of others. Before I even found that site I was already fussing at Sacha in my mind, which is usually an unconscious red flag about things coming to light. But like I say, we are all human, we are all slaves, we are all indoctrinated, we are all trapped, and it's up to every single one of us to discern for ourselves what truth is. Personally, I don't feign to notarize what truth outside of myself may or may not be, and God knows I haven't always been mindful of my own truths, but I do think we all need to develop healthy criticisms of what we observe against what our hearts tell us, and if our hearts wind up being naive and gullible, then we need to take opportunities to grow into wiser souls.
For instance, covid. There is so much evidence from multiple sources that it cannot scientifically be demonstrated to be what it is purported to be, making it a null set from a certain logic, but then that same crowd will say a vaccine makes it more 'virulent'. See, these word games are what's causing the problem across the masses. Every time you null or void a word, definition, meaning, etc, and then leap to a way to bring it back into usage, you confuse the *cough* science *cough* until it's all meaningless when logic is applied. Likewise, a "proof" site supporting that kind of logic leaping also saying that good guys are bad guys and the proof is here here and here, my overall impression is why is one truth more logically sound than another? Because by logic, one proof negating logic pretty much negates the entire angle on 'truth'.
Many people aren't trained to think that deeply on things, and most of us are so brainwashed into super short attention spans via TV and music and constant ads breaking up our trains of thought that we can't see obvious clues right in front of us.
It may not matter who is "right" or "wrong" so much as "am I doing something positive and uplifting with my own life" or "am I using the time I have here wisely being good for other people" or "let's see what I can do to help myself become the person I always wished to be" kind of thing.
Turn it inward. Learn truth inside of yourselves. There is real truth inside all of us. Once you locate your own beacon, once you see your own light, no matter how dark you think your life and soul are, you no longer judge the rest out there. You observe, yes. You use context and experience to make better decisions, yes. But you no longer categorically state as judgements. Light shines on dark and exposes truth. It doesn't need judgement to do that.
The more of us who find our truths, the more easily we'll see the sham around us. It's very simple. They've kept us distracted so we won't look inside. They've kept us ignorant of ourselves being capable of finding our ways. They've kept us afraid of not having mentors, leaders, figureheads to lean on. They've kept us struggling so we won't feel confident.
Going way out of one's way to prove that someone is ultimately a baddie, and they might be for all I know, is just as distracting as the baddie pretending to be a white hat. Let the courts decide these things. Our world is so saturated with symbols that it's a wonder we aren't born spotted with them. We all coopt symbols quite by accident or nefarious design behind our backs, so I'm not going to rely on symbols to make blanket statement judgements. Neither will I defend them or argue about them.
One thing I decided on my own was not to trust people just because they sound correct or knowledgeable or fit whatever notion I have of sincereness. I know from experience and research that sincere people can believe without a doubt what they are saying is truth and yet live a complete lie, and that some people are actually directed to be this way via what I call brain training. We are a mass encultured society, we are all brain trained to automatically react to cues and triggers. On individual levels, going off track from enculturation gets some of us labeled with mental illnesses. When going off track becomes a new brain training program (i.e. political racism and gender issues), those who don't realize what is really going on become hostile. We are all inside the maze. Does it matter what color paint winds up on our fur as long as we are all trapped?
We. Are. All. Trapped.
Learn the codes, learn the comms, learn the real histories, learn to see the maze.
As you can see when you click over for youtube description, that vid has been public since 2009.
Whether you are familiar with these concepts or not, it's not a big leap to seeing Lady Gaga as a styled creation set up to simulate Baphomet (who is hermaphrodite) worship from the public. Big crowds in worship mode create loosh.
A term applied to energy produced by human beings and animals that other entities use to feed from. It is also used to refer to the energy that is produced by suffering that entities feed. From books by Robert Monroe. Maybe a play on the French word Louche.
1 and 1 side by side are the gateway of Baal. Here is another post I wrote on what 9/11 has to do with both the gateway of Baal and the Black Cube, and how those tie in to the elite glorifying human torture in artwork they exhibit around their luxury homes.
And I point out in PinkFeldspar: life is but a meme that Stefani (and those who control her) was quietly announced to the shadow elite and their minions as being in a position of power above the U.S. government.
If you are new to the deeper esoteric layers of the one world religion of the cabal, you might miss the references to Baphomet, adrenochrome, MK programming, and the child trafficking supply chain being disrupted. Add to this the authority Lady Gaga having been presented with, to a particular subset this alerted the world to her place on the food chain of comms, like a sort of shorthand but done in imagery, symbology, and numerology.
There are others who go more in-depth on esoteric meanings behind the numbers and their applications in real world by Kabbalist controlled leaders, so I'm not alone in any kind of basement making up conspiracies. I'm one of the few that has been connecting the Lady Gaga dots.
Why is this a big deal? Why are my little digs such a big deal to countries all over the world swooping over in my stats?
Because treason. Because crimes against humanity. Because PAIN is coming. And I've heard it's already arrived for her. Whatever you are seeing in 'news' and trending is either concocted for distraction, old pix and clips being recycled into new stories, or body doubles (and some think clones). Do your own research. The newer photos we're seeing are not her.
Stefani was born into a bloodline family and purposed to greater things. She (originally he) suffered a great many things on the way to becoming one of the most well-known and dearly loved people on the planet. Stefani didn't hide anything or keep secrets, but instead showed us all through her art how she came to be and what her purpose was.
The mysterious stranger observing the bike wreck in the desert in the 911 video was an unintended disruption in their plans.
Look very closely at every frame. Take your time seeing what slides by unnoticed. Ask what is really going on, and why are we seeing this. Ask who was in charge of the storyboard...
I've been resting a LOT, still sleeping more than usual, but everything is starting to go back to a sort of normal, yay.
I think I'm officially on vacation now. I think this summer I'm going to just keep resting.
Might get back to review thinking now. I like overthinking. 😂 I've already caught an error in my understanding of a particular episode, but I'm not mapping out any kind of timeline fixing it.
Haven't been out to see the chickens in several days. Might be a couple more before I feel up to it.
I decided today I'm done with my book, which isn't anywhere for sale because it's all free and scattered all over the place like a big puzzle. This was the main motivation behind trying to write it all out.
Has anyone ever made you cry just by saying I love you?
This has way deeper significance when you know that person literally cannot say anything else and hasn’t been able to have a conversation with you in over two years, and you know it’s getting close, and they look you in the eyes and tell you they love you, and you know they mean it, and there are millions of unspoken words that come with it that let you know everything is forgiven and nothing is in the way any more. Yes, you go home and bawl your eyes out. ****Ok, I let this one sit awhile, and I keep coming back and reading it, and it comes across weird and creepy, so I’ll clarify a little. My mom died a long slow death from several big strokes that left her very deficit both physically and cognitively. I was not close to my mom growing up, felt rather picked on continually for what none of us realized was Asperger’s, never felt forgiven, and never really felt loved, although I’m sure she never meant for that to happen. When she started having strokes there were so many unfinished emotions that never got resolved, and despite the relief I felt that I no longer had to tolerate her unceasing judgement, years of taking care of her and watching her slowly spiral down were anguishing. I learned over that time that nothing means more to our lives on this planet than resolving our relationship issues before it’s too late. There is just nothing else comparable to the real meaning of life that goes round and round your head, if you don’t get those solved you feel like you failed somehow at why you were here. During her last couple of years I was seeing a psychologist for help with my Asperger’s and social skills and whatnot, really eye opening stuff for me, and I began to realize and understand what it must have been like for *her* to raise a child like me. She’s not a bad person, but without her own social safety net and support system, she was lost and flying blind, and made ever so many mistakes. My memories of my childhood are fairly tragic in places. By the time she reached her last summer, I was reaching a place where I could let all that go, where I wanted God to erase it all and just make it ok, because we really had made it through our stuff, and I no longer wanted or needed validation or recompense or some kind of understanding or forgiveness. I just loved her and wished I could go back in time and give her lots of hugs and tell her everything was going to be all right. And that is the magic. The last time I saw her awake and somewhat responsive, and I guess this sometimes happens when people with brain problems near death seem to snap back into momentary coherency, she suddenly locked eyes with me and grinned so big like she was not only glad to see me (that had never happened in my life), but like we had a big fun secret just between the two of us. And for the first time in my life, as well, especially with the Asperger’s, I locked eyes right back at her and grinned right back, and every bit of it was “I love you, too”, no hesitation, no baggage. That moment, as in a previous question further up, was PERFECT. And then I went home and bawled my eyes out, because one moment was all we got. She went blank and never looked at me again, and died a couple of months later.
So lately (most of 2021 so far, actually), I've been thinking about Star Labs more as a character than a background structure or part of a plot device. As a series of sets, yeah, it's integral, much like a spaceship is in some shows, vital and pretty standalone as a solid visual cue. But lately I've been thinking about it as its own thing apart from other characters, more like an entity itself that historically evolves and even takes other forms and histories on alt worlds, just like the characters. They do things to and in Star Labs, and likewise, Star Labs does things to them and becomes their derelict shelter.
So I stopped my latest rewatch, which had stalled out for a whole lotta real life anyway, and have started over. I'm going to slow down and absorb Star Labs, how it looks, feels, and 'interacts' over time with people inside it.
I'll label these #StarLabs as I go. For now, need coffee. I seem to be catching up on a lot of missed and very badly needed sleep, slept my very rare once or twice a year 8 hours straight last night, and that came after an unheard of 6 hour nap out of the blue yesterday.
As aspie train obsessions go, maybe Star Labs is my zen.
Wow, someone compiled a playlist of all the CC Jitters songs that played in the background. I probably won't take the time to verify this, but you can if you want. Here you go.
That was a beautiful Spanish rice dish I tossed together with leftover cherry tomatoes cooked into the onion-pepper-garlic thing I sizzled down and added leftover stockpot chicken into, all stirred into a batch of jasmine rice and topped off with colby-jack. If you do anything like that, don't forget to dust cilantro, chili powder, and cumin into the veggies cooking.
My stomach setting off vagus nerve stimulated cardiac reactions got ridiculous enough to run in for testing, once again ruled out anything pancreas, aneurysm, infection, appendix, fluid pileup (ascites), kidneys, spleen, adrenals, no obstructions, nothing with gyno organs. Noted only remarkable thing is what they've always seen, that I'm fat, and they reaffirmed messenteric panniculitis, which is your basic benign fibrosing inflammatory disease. Since my entire body exhibits a fibrotic response to all kinds of healing, I've already dealt with double frozen shoulder and many other things, so they tend to brush that off with normal aging for me. But basically, even though I'm not a larger person, 'fat' is the notation here, although that doesn't typically set off vagus nerve stuff.
I've been running into stuff about CAID (Chronic atrial and intestinal dysrhythmia) that would certainly explain a lifetime of weirdness, although years of holter monitors have never confirmed sick sinus syndrome, but have confirmed correlation between digestive spasming and my heart feeling like it's trying to flip over, but docs have always called it PACs and PVCs and dismiss abdominal.
The problem over the last 6 months is that whatever is going on, it's been disturbing enough to wake me up with tachycardia out of sound sleeps. This used to happen regularly years ago and was so bad that I finally submitted to radio ablation for SVT, although back then I didn't experience hard skips during full out heart galloping, but now I do and it's pretty disturbing. I've been assured via full cardiac testing and sleep testing that I'm in excellent shape and all is well, but with my tummy suddenly turning into the Mars Rover tripping over boulders (stress can apparently flip that on like a switch), I'm actually getting mildly elevated troponin levels nowadays with my heart reacting to that.
So yeah, wanted to make sure everything was ok. I've been very ill with big problems in years past and it's kinda wise to just stay on top of a healthy baseline once in awhile.
The most immediate thing I could do was simply stop eating. That's not easy for a diabetic to do, especially when suddenly all electrolytes are being cut off, so after skipping a meal, the next 'meal' was a cup of beef broth and a half cup of milk, and so on. I got way less than 500 calories a day for 3 days because the heart reactions on top of feeling like part of my gut was being tasered (think spasms in one or two areas but I really didn't have much pain), and sometimes I'd feel shaky and even started launching into full blow panic attack responses out of the blue (out of a dead sleep or in the shower) every time my heart started skipping, and it took awhile to figure that out because I wasn't feeling the skipping in those situations. I discovered them accidentally with an oximeter showing bouncy beats, confirmed with feeling pulse, and then realized what I was feeling in my abdomen as big tugs was really my heart skipping. If I was laying in bed with this happening, I could turn onto either side and suddenly feel my heart doing that. I doubt I was in any danger at all, but feeling that kind of stuff is so disturbing that I couldn't go back to sleep. Over time I started developing shortness of breath when these things happened, and it took more time to nail down that was being caused by actual gut spasms, not my heart skipping.
So once I got that all figured out, I went in to ER and told them abdomen as opposed to mentioning heart, completely different set of testing that very quickly ruled out all the big bad things that can actually cause cardiac reactions as a symptom.
I still think this all goes back to being born addicted (pregnant mom on darvocet) and starting life on donnatal to prevent projectile vomiting as a newborn, and then experiencing a prodigious amount of intestinal awareness during childhood to the point of having a barium enema at less than 6 years old, years of throwing up at the drop of a hat, and many more years of very painful bowel spasming. I think it's a genetic glitch heightened by in vitro doctor approved medication abuse, and now as I'm aging, I have become extremely sensitive to all kinds of foods and stressors that seem to set off this stomach-cardiac combo enough to send me reeling into sporadic fasting every so often. I've spent years being checked for so much stuff, and if that is what it boils down to, genetics and medication abuse, imagine how the whole field of pharmaceuticals would change around this if things like this were acknowledged. But medicine is so compartmentalized that it has taken me nearly 60 years to even figure this out.
So, despite not being on a level playing field of normal nerve response, I'm still doing this to myself to some extent, and I've gotta straighten up again. My diet is already pretty strict by any standard, compared to most Americans, but this homemade ice cream binge I've been on can't be helping at all. It's too much dairy, too much sugar (even though I cut it way down), and extra calories, and even though I'm not lactose intolerant at all, the ice cream binge and the solid spastic bloat seem to be too coincidental to dismiss.
So that's where I'm at now, slowly adding food back after a few days of severely restricting food.
I got these pix last weekend while Scott and I were in a hardware store buying bags of chicken crumbles, mixed grains, and grit and picking up a new giant waterer to experiment with before we go on vacation later this summer. The chicken food we bought was expensive top of the line nutrition, then we walked through aisles like this and thought about all the ways people get sickly because this is the opposite of nutrition. It's weird and cute, but slugging just one of these bottles down all at once would put me in a hospital. Something to think about, guys.
I know, right? It's almost like I stopped blogging my personal stuff here and disappeared to a private blog or something. 😉 Yeah, had some head stuff to work out. I know that really bugs some of you. I wonder if I can be blunt and cryptic at the same time and share some of it. Maybe I can bullet point some personal progress I've been making that went on the private blog, which will be 2 years old in September, and that should be fairly easy because I only hit that blog for the briefest bluntest blurbs, so it only has 36 posts in the 22 months since I started it. I did also publicly blog elsewhere while I was doing the private one, but some things just can't be splatted out into the wind.
The really awkward part of the public blog I had just started back then, in which I had started coming to terms psychologically with the dad part of my childhood, was that I found out very shortly afterward that my dad might be dying within the year, and sure enough, there he went. Autumn of 2019 got about as dichotomous as anything I've ever experienced (yes, even weirder than 2012), and that was exactly what I needed to finally deal with the rest of all my stuff, which has progressed into this blog.
If you are coming in new to this, I've been using blogs for years to piece together 'exploded' (missing) memories and timelines from a lifetime collection of traumas, and what I fondly refer to as #pinkyblog across a larger part of my blog fleet is my psychological autopsy, my love letter, and my puzzle as I apparently leave myself notes full of thoughts to go back and find.
I wrote this 👇 public post the day before I wrote the private post copied up at the top of this. It was important at the time because I'd been on break from my psychologist. For context, I was always the odd child out, and to this day don't have confirmation whether dad was my real biological father or not, after sideways rumors and jokes from a couple of family members that my mom stifled during my childhood, and even after direct questioning with my mom taking an actual answer to the grave. Note- if you've seen the Gotham series, you know exactly what I'm saying with this vid. Nearly everything pertinent about my relationship with my dad is in the public post unnecessary.
And there we have our intro into brief blurb splats. This private splat from 10-12-19 is humorous when you can see now how things have turned out.
I am very tired of cleaning stuff up in my house that I didn't cause, and I'm even more tired of other people not caring if they live like pigs.
And I'm super pissed lately that 6 years have slid by and I have so little Lexx or crochet projects to show for it.
And my mother-in-law is still alive. That alone has been the most unimaginably twisted outcome of anything.
For context, the 'pigs' live in a really clean home of their own now 😂, cancel culture burned off my platform anyway, and my mil has spent the saddest loneliest year of her life hiding in her house behind a mask and I truly feel bad for that. But you can see that on private blogs, I don't hold back, which is why they are private. I'm mean.
Skip a couple unrelated posts, this is the point where I knew I had to step way back from my dad dying. I had managed to show up for DPOA stuff and make sure medical paperwork was getting done, but that dismal rainy cold day, I sat in my car for an hour unable to start the car, locked down in a very rare kind of dread I'd only felt before when my mom was dying, and knew I couldn't do the rest.
And the fact that I'm having a surge of anxiety now just pulling that out here demos that I'm still dealing (delayed processing), and as weird as this weekend has been in my house (I literally cannot eat for crazy stomach cramping setting off tachycardia and skippy pulse episodes), I know I have to deal with this NOW. The #pinkyblog way.
Excuse me while I walk off and go do stuff because ANXIETY.
All righty, not sure I should be back yet, but I started some chores and I feel a little calmer inside.
See, this is stuff I do my best to run and hide from, to shove into an old shoebox onto a back shelf in the very back of a closet that I can close the door on, leave the room and close that door, and go downstairs and pretend like it doesn't exist. When I finally do talk about what I put into the shoebox, I feel like I'm in a plane plummeting from a very high point and that a big hard crash is coming, and my body tends to fill in that part. Anxiety is a real bitch, and I've had this my entire life around people who preferred to whack me into silence as a tiny tot over taking time out for a few hugs detracting from their own ego-inflated tunnel vision realities. I'm not saying that hatefully, but in realization that they didn't do this on purpose. Back then, that was just how you handled fussy kids. When I see young parents doing this nowadays, I literally start crying and have to leave the room or building I'm in, and the rest of my day sinks into flashback misery. I'll be on this earth 6 decades later this fall, and that is a long time to see what some other people can't seem to see about how we cause and create misery on this planet.
But back to my stuff.
The day after the 'ug' post was this, recognizing that I was on the verge of dissociating big time into 'bubble worlds' like I did in 2012, and that I needed to come clean with my family at home about it. I am mentally ill. I need help dealing. That was about the biggest step I'd taken in my life up to that point. This is probably bigger than an abuser's first AA meeting. And with this confession, I took ownership that I was in no position to be in control of real world issues and helping my dad with death and dying. I could have put this onto the public blog easily enough, there's nothing mean here, but I was losing my grip and couldn't do more than timestamp it privately.
Skipping 3 more very short blurbs, my dad dying with my siblings there with him without me was consuming me, and this happened. I just wanna go on record as being the kind of person who 1) can see consequences like playing chess, and 2) feels like I'm literally dying of cardiac fail when I get upset trying to talk to people. So this remained simply a blurb. No one saw me cry, and no one knew how badly my heart felt broken after years and years of never allowing anyone to get close enough to me to hurt me like that again. This is extremely important that I notated it since I never had a parent who could simply just let something go and walk away because the blame game was more important than the person. In this moment, unaware, I became the parent I always wished I had, forgiving enough to let it go and walk away. This was a huge development in the state I was in.
The next month was life changing as kids moved out and left us in an empty nest, so I blurbed once and then didn't blurb again until May 2020 when I finally realized I needed to stop moderating on a game server if I were to move any kind of forward.
The next month, on my mother's birthday, I wrote a long post and this was part of it. I think it's important because the weirdness was synching up a little too snugly, and it was time to pull my socks up and make some big decisions about owning my own healing.
I've been getting odd phone calls for years. I've geolocated them before. They ALL want to help me get a book published/republished and help me market or collect a debt. They ALL have interesting location information. I have researched all of them, and they are all hard to find covers with dual nationality and English is always second language.
I don't have a book published. I'm not a published author. My phone number has always been private and unsearchable.
My book publisher says my contract is private and that no one can see it.
My book publisher assured me they do NOT sell or share my phone number.
I blogged at one point about this starting after a major facebook breach in which private info went public, including phone numbers.
After that happened, I wound up being called out by twitter about having connections to Russian accounts during the big maga purge. Yes, I have connections, they are real people called Lexx fans. I've since been trolled on twitter for being a Russian bot account.
Very recently I was heavily trolled on twitter for one reply tweet with a little disinformation because I didn't know something, my bad, but of all the things I've tweeted since 2008, THAT tweet was so innocuous compared to others I've slipped under the radar, it was unbelievable. I've been expecting accounts to be deleted, instead my phone got slammed nonstop for many hours by lists of people being tagged to join in, even though I didn't respond. I was called every ugly name in the book by very ugly people being ugly.
Back to the phone calls. All of them have tried to get personal information out of me. All of them. I stopped answering. They keep leaving messages.
I told a person during an appointment yesterday that the only connection I have on internet to actual *me* is real people like him, medical and mental health professionals. We have discussed several times that I stick out like a sore thumb on the internet and that I need to be careful.
I got clear indication yesterday that it was more important to him to inform me of the political mistake I was making than discussing a diagnosis.
And the calls continue. My phone has obviously been targeted, and I did express concern to him a few months ago that I saw direct hits on specific blog posts identically stating what I was stating to him in office at the same time.
One of the last things I heard before leaving yesterday was "Psychologists are concerned..." A vague value statement about a profession heavily politically biased.
I don't feel safe seeing him any more.
Do you blame me?
Bless his heart if he does not realize the implications in this. I saw a behavior change yesterday while he was trolling me himself. In previous visits, he removed his mask, since we were sitting far enough apart. In this last visit, he kept the mask on but unhooked and rehooked one side over and over to sip a drink. Anyone deep in the research understands that is signalling. Masks are symbols of being controlled. Removing a mask and replacing it after placing objects in front of the mouth and then remasking is further signalling that the person wishing to talk cannot say what they want to, but must replay a narrative. The psychology of masks (fear) runs very deep. I'm very concerned a psychologist seemed to be completely unaware of this going on, that his behavior is 'good' vs mine being 'bad' because I was unmasked, coinciding with the subject material he was bringing into the visit vs previous visits with no mask on.
MK Ultra is real. I've seen it in my dad, I've discussed it in his office, we've been discussing me remembering things since my dad died.
But now it's time to shut up. A mere couple days after getting slammed hard by trolls on twitter, I'm now lumped into a cult in my mental health dossier because that's more important than me talking about my mental health.
Got it.
So at that point it had been about 6 months since my dad died, and my psychologist was choosing to turn my relationship with my dad into a Trump cult problem right on top of my dead mom's birthday. That last visit was almost like comic relief to me, felt a slide-in and Pinky just took over, and consensus leaving the building was with jacky saying not coming back. It's a game to Pinky. Jacky says it's not a game. If a person had wanted more investigation into the state of someone's immediate emotional health, the better choice would have been to back off the political challenge.
Immediately after that on public blogging I started sharing the oddness of watching TV as a fractured child personality and realizing I was seeing myself as sometimes only waist or chest height to some of the actors, when obviously I was just as tall or at least up to their chins. And that is what I'd gone in THAT DAY to talk about, that I was realizing I was sharing same space with factures of me, that we were sharing our experiences simultaneously. It's important that this started coming to light after my dad died. Who I voted for in 2016 (actually Huckabee, whose name was still on the ballot despite having dropped out) was NOT IMPORTANT.
At this point I'd like to thank a friend for getting hold of me privately for a long discord Q&A about how much of my dissociation I was aware of so far and how I felt about it. That one convo beat out years of psychologist and psychiatrist visits. After that summer, I never went back to either one. Sometimes I really wish I could find a professional to talk to, but when they all have political filtering promos in their descriptions, I just get pissed off and walk away. The last thing I need is another political label, whether correct or incorrect. THAT is state controlled psychological 'health', not personal mental and emotional health. I don't mind a mental illness diagnosis here and there, what I do mind is being judged for opinions and choices that don't have anything to do with my immediate mental health needs.
There we go, rant out in full, and I didn't get a single anxiety attack over that because even though it looks like it, that is not what is eating away at me. I was just severely ticked at the time that both my parents' deaths were somehow synched into that crap.
By August 2020 I blurbed about my actual real relationship with my husband for the first time in my entire blogging history. I'll let you guys figure that one out.
And then this happened.
I've shared that publicly since then, but the day I blurbed that was such a huge revelation that I got shaky and paced all over my house crying and then curled up in bed, and please note it's nearly a year after I started the private blog dealing with my dad in the first place. And then I uncurled back out of bed and came out slugging in the public post on that same day click pic.
A month later I went through a mind blown thing when all kinds of dots started connecting and wound back up at Scott, in a good way, despite this particular blurb.
Do we even need to wonder why I quietly live in a fantasy world?
And that's the talk he wants to have with me. Moving into his mother's house.
Had a good laugh, managed not to mince him like raw liver.
That is when it clicked that Scott was in just as much of a head mess as I was, only he'd remained compartmentalized. I think that is how we've been able to stay married so long and be friends. So much of him is pure amusement to me, even as rankled as I feel sometimes, partly because he's so oblivious. From my 100 fun questions survey.
My dad died on Dec 13, 2019. On Dec 14, 2020 I did a short self assessment blurb which included this paragraph.
Finally understanding why people live on fanfic. I'm not, but the idea of manifesting realness through imagination and creativity is intriguing, and I think I'm becoming a better person for it. Aspienado has an anchor and Pinky is hinting that she might want to come out and play again. Just not yet.
Considering that I'd spent a lifetime living on TV emotional support in lieu of an extremely emotionally negligent father (I wanted a family like Lost In Space, for example), coming full circle last year watching myself process my dad's death alongside a TV review project I set myself on, a whole lotta light bulbs popped on and I realized I was healing. I am healing. I am processing vicariously through storytelling from several fractured POVs and puzzle pieces are clicking into place, and none of it started happening until my dad died. And weirdly, after I walked away from mental health appointments, I latched on to the safest TV figure I could find for a virtual world in my head and I processed and processed and processed so much stuff. Years of stuff.
And sometimes it was even funny.
And I'm thinking that probably the best way for the entire mental health field to move forward after this ridiculous politically correct bullshit is to follow people into their head worlds and find out how that helps them deal, because human brains seem wonderfully adept to simulations and fill-ins that say the things we need said from real people who never say them across the whole emotional spectrum, like even getting in our own faces and reminding ourselves that we could be avoiding this or fixing that if we'd stop being such egocentric self abuse blame game tools, right.
See, my dad never really looked at me. I don't believe my brother has ever really seen me. My mom shushed me whenever I'd rise up and fight to stand up for myself, and not a single one of my grandparents ever seemed tickled to even see me or want to be around me. I never felt close to a single adult through my entire childhood, and TV was how I grew up, even though we lived on an organic farm with plenty to do.
TV literally replaced my dad for me, with no emotional loss whatsoever. How many of us have grown up like that??? And not even realized it?????
So we borrow other faces and names and simulate our way to processing through our mental health growth. Explain to me, please, why my best mental health processing and growth is NOT in a mental health office.
And I wrote Jacky loves Pinky.
Moving on. On Christmas Day 2020, I blurbed this out. I know I've shared it before, but that was the day it finally felt like I wasn't drowning any more in myself. For years I never talked about myself or shared pictures of myself, so it was huge coming out with a real name and face as a public figure supporting fandoms all these years, and it was a bit agonizing learning to talk about myself, but I felt like I needed to do that to keep surviving somehow. I needed to be 'real' because so much of my life had been unreal, thanks to all the ways a person can dissociate under stress. In the past I've incorporated TV and personalities as part of content and still get a facepalming amount of traffic over some of the silliest stuff, but since fandoms seem to be the glue that holds us all together in what feels like a messed up world, I have finally relented and realized on a personal level that we, as a nation, are as dependent as addicts on virtually simulating our ways through life, and I'm no exception.
It's getting almost embarrassing how many Tom photos I've got in my phone. That or comical.
Possibly ridiculous.
On another note, was kinda going back over a life of addiction in it's mesmerizing variety, the self destruction and learning recoveries, all the ways I've slipped into bliss any way possible living moment by moment in so much pain, anxiety, and oscillating anger and fear.
The last 6 months slipping into Tom has been far from self destructive. Have I found a role model? Finally?
He talks about his dad with so much respect, and he's a dad with 4 kids. When I first met Scott, for the first time in my life I realized what I had never been able to imagine and wish for in a dad. Is that the connection here? My first big wallop with Tom was Nora and Eobard.
I think I'm recreating my private world and revisting all the bad memories in a new kind of objective point of view now. Not just objective or like 3rd person objective, not observer gauging or assessing. Simply seeing and going Ohhhh...
I've actually got way more Pepe than Tom, and a cool variety of many more things, but I guess, for me in general, it's a bit more than my usual.
It's sure felt like a long, hard life. I have a lot more thinking to do.
Most of the rest in that private blog has been about me and Scott, which I gotta say has been pretty fantastic. No details here lol. However, I'll share part of one last post from this morning.
diametrically opposite
I seem to be trying to hammer out how to handle balancing my personality with people who don't fit my slots. I can see now many years wasted not understanding this about myself.
First weekend this year with no sex, thanks to my stomach launching off tachycardia episodes. This has become ridiculous enough to be embarrassing. If this really is controllable with diet, then every bit of this is about me taking real control. Tired of being the fail whale around here.
Having urgent urges to start a new pinky blog, jacky keeps mildly correcting that we're already using a pinky blog and pinky just needs to step up.
My daughter is going to pop a baby in the middle of tropical storm in the middle of a blackout with no phones, at least my fretty self frets fretfully behind my busy back, and I'm back on xanax.
I want change, I can see how to get change, and as soon as I have opportunities through the day to make changes, depression takes me down hard, over and over and over. I just curl up and solidly distract until that time has passed, and then wake up to the whole stupid stomach thing. I don't wanna go on head meds, I keep thinking about hard liquor, and I know every bit of this is me me me.
I am, however, being very good to take my vitamins and keep the laundry up and the bathrooms clean and even the floors decently kept up. At least there is that. Dishes, not so much, and everything else continues to be fail. I haven't slumped this hard in a long time, but at least it's not entirely fail.
I want to be done with facebook. I keep hoping they just take it down.
I want to get more into alt social media and I'm too lazy from other burnout.
Scott is getting kinder to me as the year rolls on. Soft, even. Forgiving. Emotionally gentle. Maybe we are finally getting somewhere. I'm still obnoxious, but maybe it's getting a little cuter now that I'm getting some * once in awhile. Seriously, amazing how a little sex once in awhile actually helps. How many years have I fought for this kind of time in our marriage and had to keep taking back seat? It'll be 28 years in a couple of months. That is a fucking long time to wait for someone, my best friend, to become sweet. I feel like it's been worth it, but at the same time, there is this frustration in the background that it took so long that we missed the really good parts of each other while we were younger. I'm to blame as much as anyone, but that man did not make it easy.
At least he gave me the space to stand up for myself. No other man on the planet ever did that. That was very cool of him.
Back to the now and the real, I've gotta get my stomach issue under control if I want more sex next weekend.
Not everything is gaming and politics with me. I rarely share real life, maybe a little in pictures here and there, maybe bringing up something in my past I'm figuring out and whatnot, but my actual real life is THIS POST. This is the real me dealing with the real pain, with real problems and real mixups and real solutions.
The reason this post is coming up is because alla sudden out of the blue I'm having a stupidly stressful weekend, and I know it's because my daughter is due any day now, and because one of my sisters reminded me it's nearly mom's birthday, and because I'm watching 2 sons-in-law with their kids and having flashbacks. I know the root causes of my stress this weekend, but it's also nearly a year since the big blowout I felt with psychologist when I was still stuck over my dad dying and it was my mom's birthday, and I know that needed dealing with because it got me so stressed to start this post and now I'm so calm near the end of it.
I don't know if we'll be making a new blog or not. We're kinda fighting about this one because several of us have grabbed post time and a couple others want something more themed and this is the same old song and dance we went through in 2007 when we finally broke up into several blogs to handle different things. Well, we've said all the stuff now (it's been what, 17 years since my first public blog?), we've wrung it all out to the point of being sick of it all, and the world is changing, so whatever comes, don't fret if I don't show up much here, ok? My chickens will start laying in about a month, critters got all the cherries off the tree before we could, more babies be poppin, and this deep need I'm feeling to purge my life and redo everything might be extending to internet. I keep hearing Starlink quantum internet is coming, and I'll worry about starting over once it gets here.
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Ok, Yablo is insisting that we keep doing gaming here, the kids want more photos than words, and Pinky is walking around with a feather duster and squinting at the html. Jacky may be stepping back a bit now that we've got the dad stuff pretty dealt with (and the internet might get wiped), so who knows what'll happen now. I think we're kinda done with intel, you guys are big kids. Everyone obsessively coming back here for updates on that, you need to bookmark and share yourselves, ok? Go figure out where you fit in all this and share your points of view.
Blast from the past, lol.
:edit: 6/16/21 I probably should have included this public post for some hard context about the uglier side of dealing with my dad dying.
