I know, I go away for a few little bitty days and no one knows what I'm doing.
Organizing.
Lots and lots of organizing.
No, you don't want the details, it's just boring stuff like throwing away all my Johnny Depp movies and cleaning off my dresser to get my new stereo out that I bought myself for Christmas. And deleting a lot more stuff off my DVR. Digging through drawers and making executive decisions about whether I'm going to keep some yarn for another 10 years or simply just pitch it and wash my hands of ever thinking I could sit peacefully making something beautiful, given my lots in life. Who knows, maybe I'll delete 6000 things off my phone in one fell swoop. I'm just in that kind of organizing mood. Take things out and burn them mood.
Felt like playing the other night. Haven't done that in a long time. I'm sure I could have done better on the rest but I was watching TV and talking to Scott and racing through it on the side, completed it way ahead of the timer.
Slogged through a lower low than usual but didn't cry or curl up in bed like the Pinky days. Funny how a flat effect personality will bend manic around weird. The highs have been way less floaty, too, since Jacky slid in. Still, I did compulsively stab Scott with a pen the other day, haven't acted out like that in a long time. I'll have to be more mindful around my temper. Comes and goes like lightning in this mode. Over quick.
Possibly starting euphoria, noticed I'm forgetting to eat again. More absent minded than floaty so far.
It's been over 400 days since I've had chocolate, 5 1/2 years since I've had a sandwich, nearly 9 years since I've had peanut butter, guacamole, and lemon pie.
Someone finally threatened to dox me, gave me instructions on how to google search bitchute for a payoff. Guess the guy gave up on me, not realizing I don't bother checking email for weeks. After years of public personal blogging, I really don't care what anyone threatens to send all my contacts if I don't comply. Not sure anyone can humiliate me any more than I've humiliated myself so many times. Kinda surprised it took this long, I've really pissed a few people off.
Anyway, all the Snarkalecs been crossing my mind all week, every single one. Y'all got hugs in my head, so if you had a weird moment, that was probably me fumbling around with time and space because I have no idea how to properly fly the astral plane. Get it? Plane. Nevermind.
So. THIS. <<--(graphic image warning) Anyone who follows me on medias and across blogs needs need to know exactly where I stand. Scroll up and down that thread. If it doesn't make you feel sick, either ask why (are you broken and numb yourself? are you a perv?) or head for the hills (arrests are habbening! there's nowhere to hide...)
I am the most serious person I know in real life about defending children. While I have muted media 'friends' who in the past have shared and retweeted visual jokes about cute kids in big cooking pots or being tied and dragged by a carousel to the point of unconsciousness (top gif under 'carousel' search on twitter), I'm the one asking W.T.F. and finding out some of the pix we pass around as jokes are very real.
I mean, there is no way you can get a cute pic of a kid pretending to simulate unconsciousness (or death) being dragged around a little carousel. Ah, but she's asleep, you say. And I ask Then why is she caught being dragged around? And you say Oh, but maybe she had a bracelet on that got stuck, to which I immediately ask For how long??? Who wasn't in there watching the kid? And what if she tried and couldn't keep up and finally just went unconscious? And then the next stillindenial response would be Oh, I'm sure it's just a frame up for a cute vid.
That cute vid, which is years old now, was my big wake up call among my twitter group at the time that they don't see the obvious. They think it's funny.
Child abuse isn't funny. Child abuse to the point of harm IS NOT FUNNY.
I have seen pictures of crates of dead kids, taped up, tied up, unboxed and spread out on warehouse floors. I have seen actual pictures of cooked near term fetuses, boiled whole in big soup pots or roasted whole like little goats or lambs that we ate when I was growing up.
This stuff is not rare.
If you have a problem waking up to what is really going on all around us in every single city all over the world and the wars we are actually fighting across several fronts trying to make this all stop because you are too brainwashed to get over your political hate, then you are in for a very rude awakening. It was bad enough waking up to it slowly, over time, spending months digging and weeping through the night because I was feeling too sick at heart to sleep.
This snip clicks to another thread.
There is so much more to this whole story.
A very well done video (full length movie) has been published and is being distributed for free, easy to watch and listen to, easy to follow, and not nearly as horrible like what I just did to you if you'd like to know more. I personally knew all of this before the video came out because of all the research I've been doing over the years, but now this is all coming out into the open, it's all researched by thousands and sourced and verified, and can no longer remain hidden with so many of us churning up what the real truth is lurking below everything in our lives. Everything.
We're almost there. The whole world is about to change forever.
I wanna put a camera on her forehead like people do animals and just laugh my head off at how crazy the world looks at her speed.
We buried Bun yesterday. It was a very sad day.
Trying to do <br /> on this phone is ridiculous.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I guess I f*kd up. I was haunted for years, finally recontacted, swam through life and hard and making more mistakes (learning tons along the way), reached a point of mutual exclusion again, perhaps, beyond a place of painfully awkward to just numb and free again, and I can look back now unencumbered with obsession.
I wondered at first if I'm over her, but I'm never truly over anyone, so that's a no.
I wondered if maybe I no longer need her, but that is also a no, I need everyone and simply live without getting what I really need from anyone. It's an emotional lifestyle I'm very accustomed to and don't have a problem with because whadayado, right.
My psychologist asks me if I ever hear from her, and I kind of lie and say "briefly", not necessarily inserting that I was the one trying to maintain the briefest of contact every few months.
I had one dream, ever. Just one. A writing partner for Lexx materials. I'm sure others would jump at the chance, but I only ever wanted her. I started out so backward, autistic, socially super low EQ, and I went through years of improving, learning, hoping. But the whirlwind that started back up hit when my brain was still broken and my life was a jumble, and even though I did my best to follow into a whole new world for me, I reached a point where I can't keep doing that, just following.
I'm a leader. I want a working partner. I want our own material that is no one else's business, and I want to explode a fandom into brilliant new directions.
I was somewhat offered something like that in the beginning, unless I terribly misunderstood. Like if I was being scammed for my intellectual content, perhaps, maybe used for my presence. I don't know.
I've worked very hard getting all my stuff back under control, and exceedingly hard becoming more capable than I ever was in the first place.
I. Want. To. Write. Miraculous. Things.
Something others will really appreciate.
I know that some of the fandom have watched all this over all these years, because I still see the lurkers following the trails. I know they are waiting, a few checking daily, weekly, hundreds checking through the long months across nearly every single blog I have ever made, and I see most of them go right back to Lexxperience.
We can write for free for a worldwide audience.
I'll always be here. But yes, I do need to get back on my Lexx work, don't I? Another ten years sliding by will only bring more regret. I don't know how to do anything else.
My nemeses seem to be a little behind schedule this year. April is usually really brutal on me.
My quarantine eating is trying get out of hand. Oddly, I'm actually eating more veggies out of boredom, thank goodness I don't have ice cream in the house. How I haven't plowed my rice chex empty already is beyond me. Quaker original rolled oats sold me out one week, had to put a stop to all its wily ways. Honestly thought I'd be drinking more milk. Somehow I'm munching all day and it's hard to point to a real culprit since I don't keep junk around. Well, come to think of it, we've inhaled 3 shop trips of bags of onions. Been doing a lot of from scratch Mexican kind of stuff. There you go. Cheese. I've had 5 different kinds of cheese this last week. I bet that's it.
Getting a lot of naps though. That part has been really nice.
From what I can tell without paying for extra trackers, there are 4 of you who know nearly every move I make online within minutes, another 2 to 3 who know a couple of my blogs (not all) inside out, and at least two more who aren't quite so stringent, more like casual fly-bys every week or so.
In a funner freer life, I'd just put webcams up all over my house and yard. I love watching webcams myself, especially baby chicks or back yards with pets, the ocean, weather cams, etc.
Most of the people I was talking to never even hit this blog. 😄
I know, I'm failing to talk about myself. Let's see, what's been going on lately?
My sibs and I got letters about more money coming from dad passing. The surprises just keep coming.
I didn't send out a single Easter card this year, and we ate salad instead of an Easter dinner.
This last couple months is the most genuine rest and relief from stress and pain than I've ever had in my entire life.
This is also the easiest April I've had in years for spring allergies. My eyes are itching like mad and my ears feel stopped up, but still the easiest.
We watched The Rise of Skywalker 3 times over the weekend.
I am split in half, one foot forward, one feeling stuck.
I know it's an illusion in my mind and all it would take is a small change in brain chemicals to know I am really flying so high now that even the clouds are specks below me.
Believe it or not, this is my happy list. Yes, 39 years ago my soul broke, but that was nothing compared to what millions of people have been going through in slavery on this weeping world. Why am I happy on her deathversary? Because we're finding those people. Especially the kids. We're in go time and I'm hoping the fucking msm cracks open like a rotten egg. I'd say excuse my language, but that's a happy word today.
p.s. This is not a public list, sorry if you're trying to find it in search on your tv or something. I used to see incoming on some pretty big screens.
I guess I hadn't been communicating very well once I started talking about stuff in my past.
I had to explain the difference last night between hanging out with drug dealers and being friends with a drug lord taking me to a meeting in another drug lord's house (high security gang house) where if they hadn't agreed on a territory boundary, my guy would have been killed on the spot, and I'd either have been released to carry news of his death or been kept as property to do with as they pleased.
We both walked out alive, in part because I was so completely shut down emotionly that absolutely nothing rattled me and that was intimidating in it's own right, despite me being completely relaxed the entire time.
THAT is what I had become, between my dad and my friend's murder. THAT.
I took an online sanity test yesterday, more out of curiosity than concern.
I scored higher on PTSD, anxiety, and dissociation than I did on depression. Actually, I was pretty close to 100% on PTSD alone.
Still doing pretty good flattening manic swings. The dreams have been more intense lately, though. Memories are washing back in. Suddenly wanted alcohol out of the blue last 2 days. I don't dare.
Definitely glad I'm switched out of Pinky for April this year. Still mostly not feeling much. Not the same as being numb around my dad, not at all. It's more like just not caring. Makes remembering easier. Pinky couldn't remember.
3 more days. I'm already time slipping. All day I've thought it's still March...
Some of you have probably noticed I've been fairly clear about not tolerating human abuses, and particularly am against the use of children in dark religious ceremonies.
From what I've been keeping up with the last couple of years with the anons, we are currently all suffering together a world purge of a worldwide network of human trafficking, once and for all. We've all lived out our entire lives under the shadow of human atrocities and are somewhat so numbed to it that it passes right before us unheeded. We are trained not to openly recognize it and not to accept the reality of it so that we won't step up to stop it.
Along with these atrocities was a very large cash flow making regular everyday peoples weaker and elite wealthy business stronger. We have been quite literally cattle, and kept low so we would naturally assume nothing could change and best to accept and live as best we can within the fences around our minds.
That cash flow is flipping. Global banks are going down, the FED has been absorbed into the Treasury, and what I'm hearing is that income taxes will be abolished and quite possibly any federal loans will be forgiven, since they were illegally handled in the first place.
My FB timeline has a collection of information regarding all this. It's been tricky keeping my accounts active while I share info that seems to be getting a lot of accounts muted or deleted. I realized early on that this war is very real, and this is our last chance to use our 'freedom of speech'.
I am hearing that we may have internet and cell interruption this month. They are saying don't panic. We are safe in our homes while some very bad people (cartels, trafficking and drug rings, human abuses) are being arrested. Being safe in our homes means we don't need to worry about our loved ones being caught in scary events in schools and elsewhere. Big groups are easy targets for retaliation. Please mind the virus guidelines and be safe.
I love you all, even though I've unfriended many. I didn't want anyone caught in my wake if this account wound up being culled.
Q and the Alliance are allegedly a dissemination effort for getting intel to the public since regular medias stifle it. I believe this to be true, having spent many hours and months digging deep in so much research that I believe I'd have earned a history degree by now if I were in college. Dig for yourselves, question everything, trust no one. Look inside yourself for truth.
Those of you who have managed to find me even after I went dark and kept moving accounts- Bless your hearts. I very much care about you all, and I'm so sorry I pulled back from being more available. To me it seemed more important to keep information in place to be found.
If I lose this account, I do have a backup to take care of the fan group. That in itself has been very tricky as well, given what I'm involved in. We truly are living the times of LEXX and don't believe for a second that is the worst of it. What is actually happening on our planet has been far worse than anything we have ever seen in ANY science fiction. When I found out, I was sick for months, crying through the nights finding more and more and more...
Be brave and kind, love and forgive each other, and hopefully I'll see you on the other side. I have no idea at this point what comes next besides the rescue of our whole world.
